My partner is most concerned about the gossips and smirks she received from her neighbours. They look down on her. She is a mother of two young children and is a divorcee. She is unemployed. In an attempt to silence the neighbours, she bought gold rings and a car, using much of her life savings. This life savings is meant for her children’s education and to support her family in times of need. It is a safety net. I had contributed largely to her life savings. I had urged her to regain some of her savings by selling back the car to the dealer. She refused. I value the hard-earned money but she is willing to spurge on material things to show them off to the neighbours. I am sure this will occur again in the future and she will spend her savings to purchase even more material things to try to silence her neighbours. I had tried to tell her that what her neighbours think and say about her are not important and she should learn to ignore them. She should think about her children and her future. I have been thinking of breaking up with her because we have fundamentally different values and priorities. But if I do that, she would not be ablto support herself financially. If I keep giving her money, I don’t think I am helping her at all. What is your advice?
Hi @freecricket6506. Thanks for taking the time to pen down the things that have been on your mind. This is a genuinely difficult situation, and it’s clear you care about her and her children even as you’re feeling frustrated.
The core issue is that her spending isn’t really about the neighbours. It’s about how she feels about herself. The divorce, unemployment, and social judgement have likely left her feeling deeply ashamed, and the purchases are an attempt to manage that. Telling her to ignore the neighbours won’t work because the anxiety runs deeper than that.
On your dilemma: staying out of guilt isn’t healthy for either of you, and leaving doesn’t automatically make her worse off in the long run. Continuing to fund her finances while she makes these decisions may be cushioning the consequences rather than helping her grow.
What might actually help is encouraging her to speak to a counsellor or therapist to address the underlying shame and anxiety. If you do continue providing financial support, consider directing it specifically to the children’s education fund rather than her general finances.
You can care about someone and still recognise that you cannot fix what’s driving their choices. That’s worth holding onto as you decide what to do.
A place where you can try to approach for counselling support for her would be Family Service Centre. You can try to locate the nearest centre to your place on this website https://www.msf.gov.sg/our-services/directories.