Hey @kisushi,
It sounds like you have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out whether you are the problem in the relationship or whether you are being influenced by other people’s opinions. After a while, that can become mentally tiring because every conversation starts turning into self-checking and second-guessing.
Usually, people who are actively reflecting on whether they are hurting others are already trying to be accountable in some way. What you wrote sounds less like someone avoiding responsibility and more like someone who is becoming uncertain about how to trust their own judgment.
One thing that stood out was how much value you place on your friends’ opinions. It may help to reflect on what your friendships represent to you emotionally. Do your friends help you feel supported, reassured, understood, or grounded? When they tell you that your partner is manipulative, what feelings come up for you? Relief? confusion? guilt? conflict?
Similarly, when your partner tells you that you are selfish, what meaning do you make from those comments? Do you feel motivated to improve, or do you mostly feel fear, shame, or pressure? And when your partner has expectations of change from you, how do you usually respond internally?
It may also help to think about the reverse situation.
If your partner spends on time and urgency with friends, you got hurt without your partner realising it.”
How would you respond?
Likewise, if your friends were constantly criticised by someone they loved, how would you feel watching that happen?
Sometimes these situations are not only about who is right or wrong. They can also involve fear of losing the relationship, wanting reassurance, wanting to be understood, and trying hard to preserve connection with both partner and friends.
A few things can also exist at the same time:
- You may have behaviours you genuinely want to improve.
- Your partner may communicate in ways that affect your confidence and emotional stability.
- Your friends may care about you but still only know parts of the relationship.
- Both people in a relationship can contribute to unhealthy patterns without either person being entirely “good” or “bad.”
You also mentioned journaling. That can be useful, especially if the goal is not to prove who is correct, but to notice patterns more clearly:
- What usually happens before conflicts?
- What emotions show up first?
- After disagreements, do you feel clearer and understood, or mostly confused and guilty?
- Are both people able to reflect and take accountability?
Those patterns are usually more useful than trying to decide on labels immediately.
And if counselling feels financially difficult right now, you can still consider lower-cost support options or community services in Singapore. Even having a neutral space to process your thoughts can help reduce the constant overthinking and self-questioning.
Right now, it sounds like you are trying very hard to understand yourself and the relationship at the same time. It may help not to rush into deciding who is entirely right first, but instead focus on whether the relationship allows both people to feel heard, respected, and emotionally safe enough to grow.