guilt and the everlasting pain

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

This is kind of a continuation of my previous post but here’s some context for smooth transition: I burnt out severely at the start of JC, continued to do so throughout the 2 years and basically messed up life + comparison was/is eating me alive.

I wrote that previous post before A level results were released, expressing my concerns and feelings that I have kept in for too long. I previously mentioned that I really wanted to get into a super competitive course (law), but did not have the confidence since I ‘messed up A levels’. The thing is I actually thought I had a chance at the A levels. I was quite confident for some of my subjects, and really tried the hardest I ever had throughout the two years for this final exam to prove myself.

Well I did horribly and worse than expected (even after lowering my expectations).. and THE HUMILIATION was brutal. I was really at the bottom of the cohort this time around. Getting such a score when you are in a top school is seriously embarrassing and I genuinely had no words for it. That day, my future was ruined and many many doors closed. I remembered looking at the uni igps and I could not make the cut for almost everything but the bottom courses.

I feel like I have moved on and come to terms with my situation, but this weird form of guilt is still eating me alive. Friends that I have known since primary school/secondary school have all gotten scholarships and are doing double degrees while I am here stuck with a seriously mediocre degree. It’s not even a case of comparing with those going to Oxford/Harvard, but more of within the local unis. I actually feel super bad for my parents - all the wasted tuition money.. and now they have to pay so much for my school fees just because I screwed up once in life. I have no job security; not even a shot at getting a scholarship with a bond. People who were once as capable as me are going to great places and I feel so so so alone and left behind. Life just looked at me a laughed it’s ■■■■ out indeed.

Was this all really my fault? Did I not try hard enough? Did I make a mistake? I don’t really know. I know uni is a fresh start, but I can’t help thinking about the people I am going to meet and how they are just going to bash my confidence again. Seeing schoolmates’ LinkedIn profiles and their ‘incoming nus law undergraduate’ really really pricks my heart, though I know that me wanting to go into law was just ultimately going to be a fallacy. But it hurts.

Do you think this will pass over time? Do you think life will improve?

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Hi @maythingsgetbetter. These feelings make a lot of sense given what you’ve been through. The gap between what you hoped for and what happened is real, and so is the sting of watching people around you seem to move forward while you feel stuck. That’s not self-pity, it’s a genuinely painful situation that you’ve been through or in.

I want to gently offer you a different way of looking at things, because I think you deserve more than just empty reassurance. The story you’re telling yourself that you’re behind, that you’ve ruined things, that your worth is tied to that one set of results, it’s understandable that you arrived there, but it isn’t the full truth. The LinkedIn profiles and scholarships feel like a scoreboard right now, but they’re really just snapshots of one moment in other people’s lives. You’re comparing your insides to their outsides, and that’s never a fair comparison.

On the question of fault: burnout is real and it’s brutal, and the fact that you pushed through two difficult years and still showed up and gave it everything you had for that final exam, that genuinely matters. The outcome was painful, but it doesn’t erase the effort, and it doesn’t define what comes next.

To answer your question honestly, yes, I do believe this will soften over time, and yes, I believe life can get better. But it might help to have some support along the way, whether that’s a counsellor at your university or someone else you trust. You’ve been holding this alone for a long time, and you don’t have to keep doing that.

If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, please reach out to National Mindline at 1771 via call or WhatsApp 6669 1771. They’re there to listen without judgement. You can also explore resources and tools at mindline.sg at your own pace. There’s a lot there that might help you gently find your way through what you’re feeling.