I have a dinner party coming up soon with my partner’s family and it’s not the full fleet of relatives but it’s still a sizeable group. It’s with some of the cousins and aunty uncle level. Although I’ve met them on multiple occasions, I still feel isolated and anxious around them. The last time I saw them was at a wedding and despite making small talk, they somehow still made it a point to exclude me. They pulled my partner away to do something with him but said they didnt need me and it was just their group. This happens pretty often, that they will tell my partner/me that it’s just for them. Which I unds bcase I’m not family and I’m the plus one. But I find it weird that despite these boundaries by them, my own boundaries aren’t respected. For example, I m not always able to attend every gathering bcause of my own family events. But they will communicate to my partner and ask where am I or why I never come to show face?
I don’t really understand. I also only get last minute invitations but expected to come whenever. With all this, I’m nervous for the upcoming gathering. How do I set boundaries with people that are not my family but expect me to abide by their own rules?
Am I the asshole if I decide not to talk much to them?
Dear @user0611
Thank you for opening up very honestly about your experiences. I believe the uneasiness you described with the extended family will resonate with many of us. I don’t think you are rude or unreasonable in wanting to have boundaries.
I gather that it’s the inconsistency the relatives display is the aspect that is most hurtful. I see that they exclude you when it suits them, but still expect you to show up and explain yourself when you don’t. That would also make many in your situation feel anxious and unsure of their place.
Please may I gently share that I believe you are allowed to have boundaries even if you’re not family. Being a “plus one” doesn’t mean you owe constant availability or last-minute attendance, and it doesn’t mean your own family or energy matters less.
You’re also not unreasonable for choosing to talk less. I have observed that being polite and quiet is a valid way to protect ourselves, especially with people who have made us feel left out.
For the dinner, it may help to go in with low expectations on yourself. For example do consider to engage when you feel comfortable, and step back when you need to.
May I also suggest telling your partner what’s been happening and its impact on you. This will raise his awareness. Brainstorm together on how best to approach similar situations in future and discuss how he could advocate and protect you. You shouldn’t have to handle this alone.
Please know that you are not doing anything wrong by wanting to feel safe and respected.
It sounds really uncomfortable, and it makes sense that you’re feeling anxious about the dinner. Being in a space where you’ve technically been included, but emotionally feel left out, can be very isolating. Anyone in your position would feel unsettled by that.
It’s understandable that you try to be accommodating and you know you’re not family, and you respect their boundaries. At the same time, it’s confusing and tiring when that understanding doesn’t seem to go both ways. Being questioned about your absence, getting last-minute invites, or feeling expected to show up whenever can quietly build a lot of pressure, even if no one intends harm.
For the upcoming gathering, it’s okay to go in gently with yourself. You don’t have to be “on” the whole time. Being polite, present, and taking care of your own comfort is enough. If you’re quieter than usual, that doesn’t make you rude, it just means you’re listening to your energy.
It might also help to share how you’re feeling with your partner, not as a complaint, but as something you’re navigating. Sometimes having them check in on you, or stay a bit more connected during family events, can make a big difference.
And no, you’re not wrong for protecting your peace. Relationships, especially with a partner’s family, take time to feel safe and natural. You’re doing the best you can in a situation that isn’t easy, and that deserves kindness from others, and from yourself too!!
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Thank you for being very affirming. I have spoken to my partner before about how everything feels and I do feel like he understands. We do have our own agreement of certain scenarios but I think it’s not always possible for me to rely on him. cause the bulk of the issue is that I get excluded from situations but my partner isn’t. So maybe I wasn’t so clear on that part. The truth is that I also don’t want to rely on my partner on every occassion because it means that I can’t really set my own boundaries? Like I need a man/person to set boundaries for me.
So I was actually looking for more practical self-help ways I can try to assert myself respectfully. Don’t really know what I feel about “low expectations of myself” haha. It sounds like I should keep quiet if I don’t have better things to say but that doesn’t seem right either.
Dear @user0611
Thank you for clarifying. It is good to hear that your partner understands and supports you when you share your discomfort. Your point that you will like to set boundaries for yourself independently while remaining respectful resonates with me.
May I recommend the following self help ways for your consideration:
When unsure what you feel, you can say that you are still thinking it through, or don’t have a final view although some aspect of it doesn’t sit well with you.
You can convey firmness even with calm tentative sentences saying you see things differently.
Replace self-silencing rules (“I should only speak if I add value”) with permission to speak even if figuring things out. stay silent only if you choose to, not due to self-erasure.
I recommend to aim for self compassion as you practice the best approach that feels authentic and maintains self respect.
Hi @CaringBee , thank you for sharing some tips. i think i’ll try some.
hello @CaringBee @here2hear
thought to update that the gathering wasnt too bad and went pretty well. it still was close with my expectation that i would be facing different opinions and would have to watch what i do or say around my partners family.
i think it was hard to assert the tip of i wont speak unless i feel like i add value or if i want cause i was spoken to alot. i also think it was abit hard cause my partner was the one hosting so it seemed that i was perceived as a proxy host. but i definitely felt more confident because i was able to share prior.
thx
Thank you for updating us, I’m really glad you came back to share this 
It sounds like the gathering went better than you feared, even though it still took a lot out of you.
I hear how complex that situation was. You went in expecting to manage different opinions and be careful with what you said, and on top of that, you were spoken to a lot and kind of placed in this “proxy host” role because your partner was hosting. That’s a lot of social pressure, especially when you were trying to practise only speaking when you genuinely wanted to or felt it added value.
What stands out to me is that even though it was hard, you still felt more confident, and that’s not nothing. Being able to share beforehand clearly helped ground you, and you showed up with more awareness of yourself and your boundaries, even if they weren’t perfectly applied. And honestly, boundaries often feel messy and imperfect when we’re practising them in real life.
It makes sense that it was difficult to stick to your intention when people kept engaging you. That doesn’t mean you “failed” at it, it just means the situation demanded more from you than expected. The fact that you noticed this and can name it now shows a lot of self-awareness.
You handled a socially demanding situation with thoughtfulness and courage. Be gentle with yourself tonight, you did something that wasn’t easy, and you got through it 
Genuinely happy for you!!!