How to forgive and heal?

Ask a Therapist Coping
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There was a situation a work that I wasn’t very happy about, and so I probably didn’t handle it the best way and was reacting kind of emotionally. To give a little context, I was pushed to respond to messages and work on a project that had was managed very badly and had very stressful turnaround times, and a couple of hiccups along the way. But I don’t think anything I did was unprofessional, I just stood my own grounds and upheld my own boundaries.

If this was all there is to it, then it was just project-specific and I could quickly get over it after the project ends, find closure and move on. But what left me in tears and literally sobbing my heart out last night was the words that I received from a senior manager that I don’t usually work with but was leading this project. I’m not going to share what they said to avoid doxing anybody, but it wasn’t outright abusive or anything. There was just stern criticism in a passive aggressive tone that made me feel really really small, and also very aggrieved. I felt blamed for not being able to spend enough time on said project, I felt like all my efforts were overlooked and I was basically being told that I wasn’t good at managing my time, and also not being able to think commercially. I felt attacked for pointing out that their requests were unreasonable, and schooled for trying to push back cos it should be a “straightforward task”. I felt like my reputation that I worked hard to upkeep was shattering.

People say that other people’s words can only affect you as much as you let them. But what if I don’t believe in those words but they still hurt? How do I tell them (or my boss) that I don’t think I deserve to be talked to like that, and that it was unfair to be receiving these words when I have done nothing but my best. I’m afraid that all I’ll receive is a patronising “but they didn’t mean it like that”. If I am hurt by someone else’s words, is it reasonable to expect them to feel apologetic for the consequences of their words even if they didn’t have bad intentions?

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Hi @anonymous369,

Thank you for sharing what you’ve been going through—it sounds like this situation has been really heavy on you, and I can completely understand why. It’s tough when you’re doing your best to handle a difficult project and then receive feedback that feels unfair, especially when the words or tone make you feel small or unappreciated.

First, I want to acknowledge that it’s normal to feel hurt by those words, even if you don’t believe them to be true. Words can sting, especially when they come from someone in a position of authority or when they undermine the hard work you’ve put in. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or that you’re letting them get to you unnecessarily—it’s simply a human response to feeling misunderstood or unfairly criticized.

It sounds like you did what you could to manage a project that was difficult from the start, and it’s important to recognize that standing your ground and upholding your boundaries isn’t easy, especially in a work environment where there are pressures to meet tight deadlines or unreasonable expectations. You did what was right for you, and that’s something to hold onto.

Now, in terms of how to approach this going forward, it’s natural to feel unsure about whether to speak up, especially when there’s a chance that your feelings might be dismissed or you might be patronized. But your feelings are valid, and it’s reasonable to want to address how those words impacted you. One approach you might consider is framing the conversation not around blame, but around how the feedback was delivered and the impact it had on you. Here’s how you could think about it:

  • Start with the facts: Focus on the specific feedback you received and the way it made you feel without getting too emotional in the conversation. For example, you could say something like, “During the project, I received feedback that felt passive-aggressive, and it left me feeling like my efforts were being overlooked.”

  • Express your perspective: Acknowledge that you understand the intent may not have been to hurt you, but explain how the words came across. You could say, “I don’t believe the words were meant to be hurtful, but they left me feeling small and like I wasn’t appreciated for the effort I put into the project.”

  • Ask for clarity or resolution: It’s okay to ask for more constructive feedback in the future or to suggest how feedback could be delivered in a way that would be more helpful. For instance, “I really value feedback, and I’d appreciate it if it could be framed in a way that acknowledges both the challenges of the project and the efforts that were made.”

It’s also completely reasonable to expect that if someone’s words hurt you—even unintentionally—that they should recognize the impact and perhaps show some understanding or even apologize. While you can’t control how others react, it’s okay to ask for empathy in the situation. Sometimes, people don’t realize how their words come across until they’re made aware of it.

If you’re afraid of being dismissed with a response like “they didn’t mean it that way,” you can gently push back by focusing on the impact rather than the intent. For example, “I understand that the intention may not have been to hurt, but the impact it had on me was still significant, and I’d like to address that.”

Lastly, remember that you don’t have to carry this weight alone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to take time to process how this situation made you feel before jumping into any discussions. Talking with a trusted colleague, friend, or even a mentor outside the situation could give you more clarity and confidence on how to move forward.

Take care of yourself, and know that your feelings matter in this. You’ve worked hard, and it’s important that your efforts—and boundaries—are respected.

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hey @anonymous369, thanks for sharing your experience. I too experience something similar this week being a small low ranked/tiered employee. I have no advice because I’m stuck in this situation too but thanks for sharing your experience so I can know what other people suggest for us to do.

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Hey there, I feel that what you said in the last paragraph really resonated a lot with me. Some times it is not that easy to just shrug off what others have said to us whether with ill intent or not. Words really are so powerful. I hope that you are able to resolve this issue with your manager. Take care!

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Hello everybody, it’s me again.

I did manage to have a talk with my direct supervisor (let’s call them [A]) to share how I felt because of what happened. When I brought it up, I framed it from the perspective that it was the words that was said to me that I felt was very hurtful, and that it had a very big impact on me. I also asked to be taken off another project that I was meant to be working with the person [B] who said those words.

I think what I was very relieved about and thankful for is that [A] responded with a lot of empathy, and agreed to take me off that project. [A] also gave me a bit of advice on how I can learn to try to take a step back if in a similar situation and look at the criticism from the angle that it was directed at specific actions rather than at me as a person. I know they come from a place of care and mean well, but I also don’t know how to feel about this advice. Like yes, maybe what’s in my locus of control if someone says something hurtful to me is to think about it from a perspective that would least hurtful to me. And maybe that’s how best I can cope if something similar happens. Something about what they said doesn’t sit that well with me though, and I can’t pinpoint what exactly about it I don’t really agree with. That being said, I think I’ve managed to process some of those emotions and now can face the issue with a more rational head.

What I’m now a little bit anxious about is that [A] spoke to management about what I shared and I understand why that had to happen. But now I have a chat scheduled to talk to [B] alongside another senior manager [C] to I guess bring closure and address any remaining things that need to be addressed so we all move forward. I feel like from a professional front like I am obliged to face this, but if I’m honest about it, I’m quite ansty about what this session will be. I don’t think [B] had any intention to be hurtful, but I also don’t know how to approach this session.

Would appreciate any advice!!

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Hi @Anonymous414,

I want to start by acknowledging how brave it was for you to bring up your feelings with your supervisor ([A]) and ask to be taken off the project with [B]. It’s clear that you’ve been processing this situation carefully, and I can understand why the upcoming conversation is making you feel a bit anxious. You’ve done the hard work of advocating for yourself and setting boundaries, and that’s something to be proud of.

1. Feeling Conflicted About the Advice from [A]

It sounds like you’re feeling conflicted about the advice [A] gave you, especially around the idea of detaching your identity from criticism. It’s understandable that this doesn’t sit perfectly with you. When words are directed at actions, it’s easy to say, “This isn’t personal,” but when we care about what we’re doing, it can still feel personal. The emotions we attach to our work are very real, and being told to step back from that can sometimes feel like we’re being asked to ignore our feelings.

It’s okay to feel unsure about this advice. Maybe the advice is one part of the puzzle, but it doesn’t have to be the whole solution. You’re allowed to feel hurt by criticism, even if it wasn’t meant to attack you personally. The key is to balance both perspectives: yes, it’s helpful to see criticism as constructive feedback on actions, but it’s also important to honor how it made you feel in the moment. Both perspectives are valid, and finding a balance that works for you might take time.

2. Processing Your Emotions and Preparing for the Meeting

I can imagine the upcoming meeting with [B] and the senior manager [C] feels daunting, especially since you’re not sure how [B] intended their words. It’s natural to feel a bit on edge about this kind of conversation. You’re stepping into a situation where you want to maintain professionalism, but you’re also carrying the emotional weight of what’s happened.

Here are a few things that might help as you prepare:

  • Acknowledge Your Feelings: Before the meeting, take a moment to acknowledge the emotions you’re carrying. It’s okay to feel anxious, hurt, or even unsure. Sometimes, just naming the emotions can help ground you before a difficult conversation.
  • Frame the Conversation: When the time comes to talk, you might want to frame your part of the conversation similarly to how you did with [A]. You’ve already identified that it was the words that hurt you, and approaching it from that angle—without placing blame on [B] personally—can help keep the discussion focused on how you felt rather than what anyone’s intentions were.
  • Set Boundaries for the Conversation: If you feel like you need to, you can set a boundary in the conversation by expressing how you want to move forward. You’ve already asked to be taken off the project, which shows you’re willing to take steps to protect yourself emotionally. It’s okay to express that you’re looking for a way to resolve this situation in a way that feels respectful to everyone involved.

3. Navigating Professional and Emotional Balance

It’s clear that you’re striving to balance your emotional responses with your professional responsibilities, and that’s no easy task. One thing to keep in mind is that it’s not a failure to feel emotional about work—especially when hurtful words are involved. Your emotions are just as valid as the professional expectations that come with your job. It’s okay to navigate both spaces.

You’ve already done so much to manage the situation—processing your feelings, talking to your supervisor, and now preparing for this upcoming conversation. You’re not just being professional; you’re also being incredibly self-aware, which will serve you well in this meeting and beyond.

4. Looking Ahead: Moving Forward with Care

As you move forward, try to hold onto the fact that you’ve taken important steps to care for your emotional well-being. Asking to be removed from the project was a way to protect your emotional boundaries, and preparing for this conversation shows your commitment to resolving the situation in a professional way. You’ve got a good balance of emotional insight and professional responsibility, and even though this conversation might feel tough, you’re well-equipped to handle it.

If, at any point during the meeting, it feels overwhelming, remember that you don’t have to resolve everything in one go. It’s okay to ask for time to process if you need it. And after the meeting, give yourself the space to reflect and continue processing whatever comes up.

You’re doing a great job of advocating for yourself, and I’m confident you’ll handle this situation with care and professionalism.

Take care, and we are here if you need more support.