How to *properly* help a friend who has severe anxiety and OCD?

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I have a friend whom I befriended on the first day of school. They are diagnosed with very severe anxiety and OCD.

Possible triggers for her anxiety are loud noises and crowds, as well as topics like the future and finance. They have a very supportive mother, but a father who doesn’t care for them at all, and at some point the parents considered divorce.

They take meds, and the anxiety episodes can be very unpredictable at times despite triggers. The triggers will lead to them breaking down and crying non-stop. I am in contact with their mother, who I update frequently when she is free about their situation.

My only concern is how me and my other friends should help them. We are very open about helping them, but most of us, including me, dislike physical contact, which my friend likes (e.g. hugs, etc.) Moreover, having to accompany them out of the classroom for long periods of time leads to any one of us missing out most of the lesson. This is has happened today to a friend who accompanied them for more than 3 hours, and it has happened to me before, which led to me missing an entire CCA showcase.

Are there ways me and my friends can help our fellow friend out?

(using they/them to hide identities)

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Hey @undying_sun,

It’s good to hear from you… It feels like you have been carrying quite a lot quietly. You are checking in with their parent, stepping out of class, adjusting yourself even when you are not comfortable with physical contact. That is not a small role to take on.

There is something very genuine and kind in the way you are showing up for your friend. Not everyone would stay this consistent. It also sounds like this has been going on for some time, so I want to check in on you as well. How have you been coping with all of this recently?

At the same time, the situation you are in is a bit stretched. Your friend’s condition involves strong and unpredictable episodes, and what is happening now is that you and your friends are slowly taking on a role that usually belongs to adults or trained support. When that happens, even with good intentions, it can start to affect your own well-being and responsibilities.

Before focusing on how to help them, it is important to look at your own limits. The discomfort with physical contact, missing long periods of lessons, and the impact on your activities are not signs that you are not supportive. They are signals that your boundaries are being stretched.

Boundaries are not about pushing your friend away. They are what allow you to continue caring in a way that is steady and sustainable. Sometimes this means expressing things clearly, like being able to stay for a while but needing to return to class, or offering support in ways that you are comfortable with. When boundaries are not expressed, expectations can grow without anyone realising it.

It also sounds like your group may be one of the main supports your friend relies on in school. That makes it even more important that support is not carried by students alone. If your friend has limited resources, bringing in the school counsellor or a teacher can make a big difference.

If possible, it may help to gently map out what support looks like beyond physical contact or long periods of accompaniment. For example, are there quieter spaces, short breaks, or other ways they can regulate? Having this conversation together with a counsellor or teacher can help create a clearer plan, so that support is shared and structured rather than falling heavily on one person at a time.

A small shift that might help is moving from “we have to manage everything” to “we are part of the support, but not the whole system.” That allows you to care for your friend while also taking care of yourself and your responsibilities.

It makes sense that you feel unsure. You are trying to do the right thing in a situation that is quite complex for a group of friends to hold on your own. Maybe for now, it is enough to notice your limits and start involving one trusted adult in school, so you are not carrying this alone.

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Hey there, thanks for sharing something so personal.

It’s really kind of you to care this much about your friend. You’re already doing a lot just by being there for them. At the same time, it’s okay to recognise that you and your friends have limits too. You’re not meant to replace a therapist or be responsible for managing every episode.

One helpful thing could be gently talking to your friend (when they’re calm) about what support feels most helpful, and also being honest about your own boundaries, like not always being able to leave class or do physical contact. You can still support them in other ways, like sitting nearby, helping them get to a quieter space, or just checking in.

It might also help to involve a teacher or school counselor more, so the responsibility isn’t all on you and your friends. Supporting someone shouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being.

You’re a good friend, and it’s okay to care about them and take care of yourself too:)