I live in a household of 5, including my parents, elder sisters and I. It has been years since we had an actual meal together as a family. And the house has always been filled with hostility and passive-aggressiveness. I feel that it has likely also led me to have poor stress management and anger issues. Being at home is draining and I feel upset when I am around them.
Since it is the school break, I have been spending more time with a friend and staying over at his place. I feel happier and more calm in his company, and I feel more at ease away from home and household members. My parents hated that, so much that they placed the fact that I “broke the rules” over the fact that my mental wellbeing was poor and I was having suicidal thoughts that phased in and out. It was either to tell them where I am or I’ll get kicked out. They tried to constantly instil fear in me to gain control, such as saying they will call the police or drive to where I am and shout from the HDB carpark to get me out in the middle of the night. Thinking back, it might have been manipulative of me to talk about my mental health in the midst of the heated argument. But it also proved to me that I would never be heard or seen by my own parents. To add on, they would get intensely aggressive on call and texts, but so silent in real life after that when I am actually home as if nothing had happened. When we do talk, I always try to communicate with them but they will deflect all my reasonings and feelings and blame it on external factors like my experience in University or my friends. Before this incident, I do usually notify them about my whereabouts. Not anymore because I felt suffocated, and I felt that there was no point in me doing so when they put so little trust in me and it is hard to reason with them.
Even though this incident is the main reason why I’m feeling so jittery and constantly low the past month, my mind also keeps bringing up the bad experiences I had with my family from years ago and replaying it over and over again. I feel so stupid and overly emotional, like I am going insane. Issues are usually not communicated or resolved at home, so I got more and more affected by them over time. Disrespect was constantly shown towards my mother and father did not do anything about it. I did not feel righteous for pointing it out or starting an argument about it. I was frustrated with the fact that there was so much going on at home that needs to be addressed but the one person who has “authority” does not do anything for years. Either way, I was told that it was not my place to say anything and I should have just let things be. I avoided father due to that back then, but was advised to just keep peace with him so that I will get financial assistance which I didn’t like. But I did anyway until the recent incident from the previous paragraph.
I know my actions have consequences, and I chose to follow my heart over my head multiple times which led me here. It’s exhausting and I don’t know what to do to move forward with this emotionally.
