Hi. I honestly don’t even know where to begin because I feel like my entire life has been falling apart, and I don’t know if I’m the problem, if I’m mentally unwell, or if I’m just a genuinely horrible person. For years, I’ve struggled with feeling empty, exhausted, and like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was young, and there have been periods where I genuinely believed everyone would be better off without me. I constantly go between feeling okay for a while and then suddenly crashing into overwhelming guilt, sadness, self-hatred, and hopelessness. When something bad happens, my brain immediately jumps to, “I’m disgusting. I’m a terrible person. I deserve to die.” Those thoughts repeat over and over until I start believing them. Recently, something happened that completely shattered me. There’s someone I love deeply. We weren’t officially together, but we both still loved each other and still talked, even if it was only briefly. During a period where things between us were complicated, another person approached me sexually. Looking back, I genuinely don’t understand why I didn’t leave immediately. I wasn’t enjoying it. Throughout the whole thing I felt guilty, dirty, ashamed, and like I was betraying the person I loved. I kept thinking to myself that this wasn’t who I was. Afterwards I regretted it so much that I told the other person I didn’t want to do anything like that anymore because I felt disgusting and because it went against my values and my religion. Part of what made it difficult is that I was terrified of what would happen if I said no. I was afraid this person would leak our conversations or ruin my reputation because we knew each other through a community where I am fairly well known. I became so focused on preventing that fear that I ignored how awful I felt inside. Looking back now, I don’t know whether I froze, whether I was too afraid to refuse properly, or whether I simply made an incredibly selfish decision. That’s one of the things I want help understanding. A few days later, the same person asked again. That time I repeatedly said no. I told him I felt dirty, that I wasn’t that type of person, that I didn’t want to do it anymore, and that I wanted him to respect my decision. He kept asking anyway. That experience made me realise even more how much I regretted everything that had happened before. Eventually I confessed everything to the person I love because I couldn’t live with hiding it. His first reaction was devastating. He was heartbroken, and I truly believed I had destroyed him forever. I immediately started believing I was beyond forgiveness. I kept calling myself disgusting, a monster, a cheater, and a horrible human being. I genuinely believed I deserved to die because I had hurt someone I love so deeply. That night became one of the worst nights of my life. I had a panic attack that lasted for hours. My heart was racing so hard I thought something was physically wrong with me. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t sleep. My head hurt constantly. I couldn’t stop shaking. I kept repeating to myself that I should kill myself because I had ruined everything. The person I loved became terrified that I was going to die and considered contacting emergency services because I stopped replying to him. Looking back, I realise how close both of us were to completely breaking down. What confuses me the most is that after he had time to process everything, he still told me he didn’t think I was a bad person. He said I made a mistake but that I couldn’t change the past and could choose what happened next. He even said he still wanted to try rebuilding our relationship. Instead of feeling relieved, I almost felt worse, because I genuinely don’t understand why someone would forgive me after what I did. I keep thinking he deserves someone better than me and that staying with me will only hurt him more. At the same time, I love him so much that the thought of losing him hurts more than I know how to describe. This whole situation has made me realise I have serious problems with boundaries, guilt, self-worth, and how I make decisions when I’m scared. When I think someone might abandon me, expose me, or think badly of me, I panic. Instead of making clear decisions, I freeze or make choices that don’t match my values. Afterwards I drown in shame and convince myself I’m irredeemable. It feels like I have two completely different versions of myself: one that knows what kind of person I want to be, and another that completely falls apart when fear enters the picture. Outside of this relationship, I’ve struggled with my mental health for years. I often isolate myself. I stay in bed for long periods. I have very little motivation. My sleep is terrible. I frequently feel emotionally numb or empty. I struggle with anxiety, especially around confrontation, disappointing people, or opening up. I often feel like everyone would be happier if I simply disappeared. My faith is incredibly important to me, and in many ways it has been one of the biggest reasons I haven’t acted on my suicidal thoughts. At the same time, I constantly feel like I’m failing the person I want to be religiously, morally, and emotionally. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know whether my reactions come from anxiety, depression, trauma, low self-esteem, poor emotional regulation, or something else entirely. I don’t know why I become so overwhelmed by guilt that my brain immediately tells me I deserve to die. I don’t know why I struggle so much to maintain boundaries when I’m scared, even though afterwards I feel nothing but regret. I think what I want most isn’t for someone to tell me that what I did was okay, because I don’t believe it was. I want to understand why I made those choices, why I hate myself so intensely afterwards, why I seem to collapse emotionally so easily, and whether it’s actually possible for me to become a healthier person. Right now, I feel trapped between wanting to become better and believing that I’m already beyond saving.
Hi there persistentpeony2319, thank you for reaching out today!
Firstly, I want to tell you what you have shared here took a lot of courage and strength. You mentioned you want to understand why you made those choices and believing you are already beyond saving, but I want to let you know that understanding your patterns, recognizing what happened, and being honest about the fear that drove your decision, those took a level of self-awareness and is not what a horrible person looks like. That is someone who genuinely wants to understand themselves and be better.
Everyone in their lifetime will make mistakes, will make decision that they regret, it sounds bad but that is what makes us human. Regret can be a good thing; it is what drives us to do better and not want to make the same mistake in the future. What is important is that you acknowledge them, understand them, and be better which you are already doing. The fact that you are reaching out today already shows you are taking charge and taking steps to understand them to be better. You are not beyond saving, you are on the right track of saving.
I also want to say something carefully but clearly. The first encounter you described, feeling unable to leave, freezing, being afraid of what he would do if you said no, feeling dirty and guilty throughout, that doesn’t sound like a selfish decision. That sounds like someone who was scared and felt trapped. The fact that he kept pushing even after you repeatedly said no the second time matters too. Please don’t carry all of that as purely your fault.
Those patterns, decisions, experiences, and regrets you described here are worth to explore with a professional. You don’t have to figure and understand everything out on your own, you can always speak to a counsellor or therapist to have them safely address it with you.
Lastly, I do want to check on your thoughts of dying, or how you always default to “deserve to die”, are you having those thoughts now and are you safe? I want you to speak to someone or and those thoughts address as well. If you need resources, you can always reach out to Mindline at 1771 or WhatsApp at 6669-1771 for someone to provide resources that best suit you. If you need to speak to someone to have immediate support for your thoughts, you can always reach out to Mindline or SOS at 1767 or WhatsApp them at 91511767.