hi I’m sorry if this is long but basically last year I had some friendship issues with my main class fg that left me out and made me lonely but it’s not like I didn’t have other friends just not that close and it was a bad point in my life but after it was over we are all friends or mutuals and it’s okay but then this year I thought nothing could happen but I think the stress from last year manifested into panic attacks which rlly started to scare me and I confided in my new friends about it and stuff and my parents love me ik but sometimes they rely on me a lot as the oldest daughter and I always get scolded for everything and I usually don’t tell my problems to anyone cuz I started to sh a few months back and I know it’s a rlly bad coping but sometimes I feel like it’s the only thing I have left and that also ruined my relationship w those friends as rumours spread that I did it and a misunderstanding happened and then they said rlly nasty things about me and sent rlly long paragraphs just flaming me and saying things like I feel so stupid for being your friend and now I feel like it’s a burden to talk to people about my problems as they don’t really care or it’s too much for them to handle and they think that it’s weird and attention seeking that I sh even though I try to hide it but idk I feel like I’m in a rlly bad place rn even though this misunderstanding and stuff was in may and we are friends and on good terms again but I feel that I can never trust anyone about this anymore and I have to hide all my feelings in school and the fact that I’m still doing it because it will just be the cause of more rumours and like my studies have always been ok but I always feel that I have to work really hard just to do well and everyone thinks it’s so easy for me to score well and do well and at times I feel like I’m down so bad that I can’t even do well on some of my tests and everytime I ask my dad to tutor me I always end up crying or like any thing can make me break down and in my sport which I do a lot and I love but I was playing with like adults and my snrs who have been in this club for a long time and I only joined last year and everyone expects me to be as good as them or even my 15 year old teammates I feel like I can never be as good as them no matter how much I try I don’t skip any trainings and I always try my best but idek if that’s enough and I would get panic attacks after the games and luckily my jnr who is my very close friend recommended this page to me because I’m very aware that I’m in a bad state but I just can’t tell my parents and some of my teachers already know that I sh but they always want to tell my parents like it would do anything my door can’t even lock properly because my family shoved a piece of cardboard in it so that it wouldn’t close and I’m not allowed to lock my doors so yea and like I know how bad it is to sh and I’ve tried to stop but sometimes idk what to do anymore I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die also like there are times at night where I’ve slconsidered it but I know that it will just cause more problems for everyone arounde but it’s like I have a close group of friends but idw to trauma dump on them and how do you explain to someone that u just feel sad all the times no one wants to be with someone who can’t even deal with their own emotions and problems and just tired all the time there will be days where I feel like it’s worth living and days where I just want to run away I have exams every week because of how my school arranged it and I’m just getting stressed each week trying to study for my tests and do my homework and keep up this facade that I’m okay to my parents and teachers and friends and I know that I probably need therapy or I’m never going to get better but I can’t tell my parents and idt I’m burnt out but yea I just have a lot of anxiety and overthink a lot and idk why I can’t just be normal and be happy and yea thank you for reading this
Thank you for taking your time to write in to Let’s Talk! It must have taken a lot of courage from you to write these into words.
Firstly, you are not weird, attention seeking or a burden. You have been carrying a lot of panic attacks, exhaustion, sadness that is hard to explain. These things suggest that you have been carrying far more than anyone should have to carry alone and not signs that there is something wrong with you. When you are feeling overwhelmed and nowhere to put the pain, self-harming makes sense.
It must have been painful for you what your friends said to you, and it makes a lot of sense that it has made you feel like you cannot trust people anymore. It seems like you built the wall to protect yourself. But I hope over time you can find at least one safe person to let in because you deserve to be known and accepted. I also noticed that you mentioned that there are days where you feel like life is worth living but there are also days where you just want to run away and that you have considered it. I can see how thoughtful you are especially when you have thought about how it will cause more problems for everyone if you were to consider it. It sounds like what you really want is relief. And want all this weight to stop. That is something to hold onto especially in hopes for things to get better.
I would encourage you to speak to someone about it who can provide support. I can leave some resources down for you to consider here:
- If you wish to connect to someone online, national mindline 1771 do have counsellors round the clock who are able to support you through free counselling and providing resources you can consider in the long term. You can call in to 1771 or WhatsApp them at 6669 1771.
- Even though you mentioned that you don’t want to live but also don’t want to die, I also want to make sure you have somewhere to turn to if those thoughts are overwhelming. You can reach out to Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1767 via call or WhatsApp at 9151 1767 they are available 24/7 and have counsellors who are trained in crisis related concerns
- If you are still in school, you can also reach out to your school counsellor as your first point of contact. In addition to that, I hope you can also approach your close group of friends for support even though you don’t want to trauma dump on them.
Please know that you don’t have to go through this alone 
thanks but my sch Counselors are the type to go and tell my parents that I sh and like idk in my cca I feel like I’m a gd player but not the best ofc and like sometimes I feel that I’m not gd enough for the team despite being one of the captains it feels like everyone else is improving but recently I’m more tired even tho I don’t rlly show it and in sch like a floater friend in friend groups and it hurts and idk why I get so affected so easily by every small thing liek if my coach scolds me or I Think I’m not playing well I’ll disappoint my snrs and like idk it’s horrible but I keep thinking about everything and it’s probably rlly bad for me but I just can’t stop over thinking and feeling sad all the time
I hear you @involvedradish108 thank you for sharing more with me. I see that there are a lot of places in your life at the moment where you are measuring yourself against others, for example, your CCA, your friend groups. And in most of them, you are coming up short in your own eyes even when evidence says otherwise. It must have been exhausting for you. I also noticed that you said you don’t really show tiredness. I am wondering how long have you been keeping all of this on the inside? Please know that you are not sensitive or weak. I see someone who has been holding on a lot for a while now. Having said that, may I ask if the self-harm thoughts and thoughts about not wanting to be here is still present for you right now?