Is it normal to feel like i just want to disappear off the face of the earth

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

i’m only posting here bc i tried to use the national mindline yesterday and it was NOT useful at all mind you. you guys really need to train your counsellors better.

anyways i’ve been feeling like this for a few years. i feel like i’m perpetually stuck in a loop of sadness and frustration, and i spend every single day dissociated and unable to focus on what i’m currently doing because i’m probably thinking about something else and i have no motivation to try hard any more. it’s gotten so bad that currently, school is the only thing that creates any sense of a routine in my life. during the weekend or the holidays, i spend most of the day just laying in bed not doing much cuz i can never find the energy to do something. if there’s no school the next day, i don’t even brush my teeth or shower. this makes me feel like such a failure sometimes because i can’t even keep my personal hygiene in check.

i haven’t been doing well in school either due to the aforementioned lack of motivation and energy. i feel like i’ve actually regressed in my intelligence and during most of my lessons, i struggle to remember basic concepts and it really just makes me feel like a piece of ■■■■ when i see everyone else speeding through their practice questions. i’ve tried to catch up at home but nothing changed. i don’t see the point of trying in school any more so i’ve just become a “bad kid” in class–i sleep most of the time and i never submit my homework. and so my recent WA scores have been absolute ■■■■. (i failed everything.) other than that, i’ve actually been late to school a lot this year, which has resulted in the school taking disciplinary action against me. i know it’s supposed to motivate me to go to school earlier, but it doesn’t at all, and most mornings i just lay in bed until the last possible moment before leaving for school. at the same time, i’m really scared that this will affect how people perceive me in school as well, cuz no one wants to be close to someone who never tries hard at school and is always in trouble with the discipline comm right? and i feel like my friendships are superficial enough already so what will happen if this continues?

i actually struggle with my eating a lot too. when i get stressed i binge eat till i feel like vomiting. just last week i had 2 bowls of instant noodles and an entire loaf of bread at 2am and that’s not even my biggest binge yet. but no matter how much food i eat, it can never fill up the emptiness i feel every day. and it has consequences on my health too. yet i still do it. i want to stop but i don’t know how to.

overall i just feel like a mega waste of food and money. all that investment is going into me but what results do i present? i just lay in bed every day. i’m no better than a piece of ■■■■. imagine if i could just disappear off the face of the earth so all those resources could go to someone who deserves them more.

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Dear @ducks

Thank you for reaching out here. Your feedback on the national mindline is noted and if you are comfortable, we may reach out to directly to find out more.

Meanwhile reading your post, my sensing is that what you described is not “laziness” or you being a bad person. Instead, the symptoms you described such as the level of exhaustion, disconnection, lack of motivation, trouble functioning, binge eating, difficulty with hygiene, lateness, sleeping through class, feeling emotionally numb and being caught in an endless cycle are indicators that you have been carrying a heavy load unsupported for a very long time.

To your credit though, I believe that despite the overwhelm, you are still trying, still persevering. Your actions of reaching out here for support and of still going to school are evidence of your determination to be better.

May I share that concentration and memory problems are probably not you “getting dumber.” I believe when people are chronically stressed, depressed, dissociated, sleep-deprived, or emotionally overwhelmed, working memory and focus drop. It can genuinely feel like your brain stopped functioning properly. Next, the binge eating sounds less like “lack of discipline” and more like using food to regulate stress or emptiness temporarily. That’s extremely common when someone feels emotionally depleted. Furthermore, the hygiene issues during weekends/holidays is also something a lot of people experience when their structure disappears and their energy crashes. Please know that none of the above implies you a waste of resources.

It will help you to reach out to community resources available such as counselling to get the immediate support you need. Your school counsellor is one option. Another option is to use the service wayfinding feature on the mindline website to find suitable support to reach out to.

https://www.mindline.sg/mental-health-service-providers/start

Alternatively, go to your nearest polyclinic and share what you are going through for a referral to see the polyclinic psychologists.

The line about wanting to “disappear off the face of the earth” is a cause of concern for me. May I gently ask if you are feeling unsafe with yourself?

Please reach out to the 24 hour SOS hotline (1767) or go to the nearest A&E dept of your nearest hospital if you feel your life is in danger. Professionals there will know how to support you.

You already took the first brave step by taking the time to write about your distress here. That tells me you want to take action to get better and I laud you for that. Please reach out for much deserved support soonest. You are deeply precious and you matter. Be kind to yourself always. :yellow_heart: