TLDR; Navigating relationships is so smooth sailing in the media, like the good and bad relationships are so easily defined. But mine is so much more complex; the highs are really high, and the lows are really low. I can’t tell if my relationship won’t work out, and I should just end it or I’m just not fighting for it hard enough. Topics include selfishness, manipulation and cognitive bias.
I’ve been in a relationship with someone I love dearly for a while now. However, my partner has almost broken up with me a few times. It didn’t happen because I begged and promised them I would do whatever it takes to be a better person and partner for them. Maybe I was selfish to do that, but I sincerely believe I can become a better person so that we can both be happy.
Throughout the relationship, I have gone to my friends for advice before, and they’ll always say I should break up. They think my partner is rude, narcissistic and manipulative. But when I talk to my partner about the problems in our relationship, I realise maybe it’s actually me who is the problem. Maybe my friends think of them negatively because when I talk about the problems, it’s never about me or my fault. The kind of person I present to my friends is a near-perfect image, and hence, it’s causing them to think my partner is entirely the problem. Of course, my friends would be biased and support me no matter what. Of course, I would take their words for it that I am not in the wrong. Then I started googling about cognitive bias.
I’m just really tired and lost. I want our relationship to go back to when we were best friends dating, with so much love to give, comfortable talking to each other about anything. I want to fix things so bad that I would go for counselling to be a better person for the relationship, but I don’t have the money for it, and my partner believes if I am not capable of doing it myself then it is who I am and I shouldn’t change for them. Am I supposed to just accept that I am a selfish person and that there is no hope for me to change? If I don’t change, the outcome will be the same no matter who the person is.
So I guess the questions I have are
- Who’s right here? My partner or my friends? I completely see what my partner means when they tell me I am being selfish in the relationship and want to change for them, but my friends would tell me I’m being manipulated in this relationship.
- Am I actually just a selfish person who never takes the blame and takes the truth when it benefits me? Am I actually the manipulative one?
- That’s the thing about manipulation. How do you even tell? Do people who manipulate do it consciously or subconsciously? Can two people be manipulative in a relationship? How does anyone make a distinction?
This was really messy, but honestly, so is my head right now. I can’t string any cohesive trains of thought, and there are so so so many points I haven’t even mentioned. I will spare the lengthiness, I’ll write another topic for some of the rest. I’ve started journaling. I know that’s a good habit to cultivate, especially for self-awareness and self-improvement. But is there anything else I can do? Any strategies, practices, tactics, perspectives, etc.