Hello. I may come off as a goofy guy or someone who doesn’t care about what’s going on on the surface. Cos that’s how I usually am.
I have a part of me that really doesn’t care. I could trip and fall embarrassingly and and get up and move on without thinking much. I could see someone fall or get hurt and literally won’t feel anything. I’m not trying to be some stoic anime character but that’s literally how I feel. I could get hit with devastating news and I probably won’t react like how others would. Be like “oh okay”
Then my other third would be very emotional. I feel everything. If im happy, ill smile and laugh out of nowhere. I’ll interact with people without holding back. I’ll laugh, cry, be angry with or whatever with anyone. Maybe this is the most human side. I would feel content and happy with things.
then this horrid last third. I knew it was there but I didn’t know how bad it was till last Thursday. I was on the bus, then I got really angry. I don’t know whether it was morning anxiety, stress, annoying situations on the bus, but I was fuming. I imagined pushing someone into the doors of the open bus and like hitting everyone around me. Or use some stupid small reason to beat the guy next to me without caring for consequence. And that happens in my head and I visualise it. I don’t know when it will become something I see myself doing unconsciously and not come to after it happens. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I don’t know why I felt like that on that day. I didn’t think things would affect me that much that way. And since then my depressing thoughts come back every night since and I can’t sleep well.
Hi, it is definitely very stressful to be facing so much of emotions. I can see that you are having many different thoughts in many points of lives. You mentioned that you have angry side. I am just wondering if this angry side happen frequently and does it usually happen in the morning?
I am concerned about you especially you mentioned that the thoughts come back every night and it is hard for you to fall asleep. You deserve to be care and supported. You may consider to seek counsellor support. There are also some hotlines that you may consider to reach out to
call 1771. There is also whatsapp for Mindline counsellor
call 1767 for someone to talk to
you may consider to go to physical meeting for counsellor
Hello @user7112. That must have taken you some courage to put them into words. Well, I’m glad you reached out today.
The bus thing, that sounds really scary in the moment. But here’s the thing, the fact that you’re freaked out by it says a lot. You’re not sitting there thinking “yeah I should do that.” You’re sitting there thinking “what is wrong with me.” That’s a big difference. And those kinds of dark intrusive thoughts, they’re way more common than people let on. Doesn’t make them less jarring when they show up, but you’re not some monster for having them.
When you say the depressing thoughts are back, what do you mean by that? Like have they shown up before in your life? And is this stuff you’ve ever talked to anyone about, or has it just been living rent free in your head this whole time?
Thanks for sharing so honestly about your internal experiences.
What you have described sounds like there are various coping mechanisms that show up based on different situations you face. This is literally how we work – we learn these mechanisms as we grow and accumulate “data” about the kind of responses that keep us safe, and these become a “script” that we always return to.
I imagine the incident on the bus is leaving you feeling confused and fearful because the anger felt like something that is out of your control. Anger is an emotion that sometimes is protective in nature – perhaps you experienced a trigger that “turned on” the anger switch as a way to defend yourself against some perceived discomfort/threat. Some of these things happen quickly as fight-or-flight responses before you can even process it in your mind. This is something worth looking into and there is available support out there to help you understand your emotions better.
Do you have access to counsellors with whom you can explore this further?
You do not have to fear anger, it is just part of you (part of all of us) that requires a bit more time to understand
Hello. For this I experienced this same feelings again today but it’s more manageable cause I was at home. Since my previous post, I’ve seen my unit counsellor and my PCC psychiatrist and didn’t tell them because i thought it is a one off kind of thing and it is improbable that I will act upon it cause i found methods to distract myself that work most of the time.
I already was dealing with depression since I was 14. And I only got it diagnosed last year when I was 19 with low grade. It was just long bouts of low mood and hopelessness and one previous attempt during my a level year.
This anger has been on and off throughout but I never really told anyone because it was so quick or felt like it that I didn’t think much of it. But now, I am more aware of what im feeling and I think that this anger may have been fuelled by online content and piling frustration.
Usually these moments are quite quick. Like I will catch myself when im excited imagining some bad thing or accident happening in front of me, then I will be like uh yo why am I thinking that. Then I get super anxious which makes me peel my fingers till they bleed to feel the pain to get me to clear my head a little.
Now im doubting whether i really am that messed up to want to see others suffer or even myself just so i can be excited in a way i can’t really get otherwise. I hope it doesn’t happen again or I’ll reach out before I actually do something I might inflict on myself after.
