I self harm. If I don’t do it sometimes I get really anxious and there’s this thought that keeps all telling me to do it. And, I’m not very good at hiding it. One day, my teacher noticed and she asked what I did…I just lied to her that it was my cat and she said something that makes me suspect that she may know I did something. She didn’t push it though…I want to stop coz it feels like I’m lying to everyone whom I love, but I fear my parents finding out coz they are lowk the ones causing me the stress and everything. From my knowledge, if someone adult from school finds out they have to inform my parents, that’s the only reason I lied to the teacher..she’s lovely and very caring towards me but idk…
Hey @faithh,
Reading your post, it sounds like you’re carrying this constant tension inside… wanting to stop, feeling guilty about hiding it, but also being really scared of what could happen if adults around you know. That can feel very trapped and exhausting.
What stood out was when you said that if you don’t self-harm, the anxiety builds and the thoughts keep telling you to do it. Sometimes when stress keeps building for a long time, especially when someone does not feel emotionally safe or understood, the brain starts treating self-harm like a quick way to release pressure or calm the nervous system. That does not mean you are “crazy” or attention-seeking. It usually means you’ve been overwhelmed for quite some time.
And honestly… it makes sense why you lied to your teacher if you’re afraid your parents finding out may make things harder. At the same time, a part of you also sounds tired of hiding.
The fact that your teacher noticed gently and did not force you immediately may actually show that she was trying to approach you carefully instead of scaring you away. You described her as lovely and caring, and it sounds like some part of you wants to trust her but is still unsure if it’s safe.
For now, the important thing is that you should not have to carry this completely alone. Is there anyone besides your parents whom you feel even slightly safer with right now? Maybe a counsellor, teacher, relative, or friend?
If the urges start feeling too strong or you feel unsafe with your thoughts, you can also reach out to Singapore’s National Mindline 1771 or SOS at 1767. Even texting or chatting with someone trained can help slow things down when the anxiety starts taking over.
It’s okay that you’re conflicted right now… part of you wants relief, and another part of you wants things to change. Both can exist at the same time.
My teacher, I guess she hinted, she said that my cuts looked nice and even, smth I would find quite odd to say. Im honestly not sure if I can tell anyone, if I tell my teachers, I’m sure it would eventually get back to my parents, I don’t really have any relatives that seem to care. I once told my grandparents about my mum insulting me and they said I was being dramatic and it wasn’t much. As for my friends, they don’t exactly know what to do either and it honestly feels like I’m burdening them with my issues. And it’s the start of the June holidays and I’m scared, I don’t really want to be home with my mum, not that she abuses me or anything but I’m scared of the things she would say to me. I’d honestly wish I can go back to school and just have lessons instead of the holidays.
Hey @faithh,
I think what stayed with me most was when you said you would rather be back in school having lessons than starting the June holidays.
Most students are counting down to the holidays, but it sounds like you’re counting down to when they end.
Reading your reply, it seems less about having nothing to do during the holidays and more about what being at home means for you. You mentioned being scared of the things your mum might say to you. Even when there is no physical harm, words can have a real impact, especially when they come from someone whose opinion matters.
I also noticed that you tried reaching out before. You told your grandparents about what was happening, and instead of feeling understood, you were told you were being dramatic. That can make it much harder to trust other adults with something important. After experiences like that, many people start wondering whether there is any point telling anyone at all.
And then there is the difficult position you are in now. You want help, but you are worried that speaking to a teacher could eventually lead to your parents finding out. You care about your friends, but you also worry about burdening them. It sounds like you’ve been trying to protect yourself and protect other people at the same time.
Something I want to say clearly is that the fact you are scared of the holidays tells me that what you are carrying is affecting you deeply. This does not sound like someone being dramatic. It sounds like someone trying very hard to cope with a situation that feels difficult and lonely.
You mentioned before that when you do not self-harm, the anxiety and urges can become very strong. With the holidays starting, how have those urges been recently?
For now, I am glad you came back and shared a little more with us. It sounds like there is a lot you have been carrying mostly on your own.
Recently, idk I haven’t tried to resist the urge much. It just happens and then I realise and then I don’t know. I feel like nothing? It doesn’t even hurt anymore, I don’t even know why I do it anymore. At first it was just for the pain but now it makes no difference and I have to hide it somehow.