I feel like ever since I turned age 5, I stopped being able to be myself fully. I need to put on a smiley mask to greet my friends every day. Doesn’t matter what I’m feeling, whether I’m anxious or completely depressed, I can’t let myself show it in front of anyone. I’m not conventionally sociable, conventionally attractive, conventionally hardworking. I spent my whole life trying to be closer to a normal person. But now, I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything I say or do is rehearsed in my head before I actually do it, of what someone else who would handle the situation best would say and do. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the confidence that I will do the same myself. But, pretending all the time is so draining. Taking off this mask, though, means throwing away my entire social identity I’ve carefully curated for my entire life. And I don’t even know, who this person inside this shell really is.
I wish I could start all this over again. if only if I had a chance…