in the past, i used to pride myself as the older daughter of the family because i show care and provide guidance to my younger sibling, and also help out with household chores. nonetheless, as i become a young adult, i realised the definition of the “competent older daughter” has shifted, and i had friends telling me that i do not act like one because i am not “adult and independent” enough. a common reason they cited is that i am someone who fears solo travelling. my friends feel that older daughters tend to have adequate independence to do such a thing. i also recently came across a TikTok suggesting that the older daughters are usually the ones who are able to independently visit a foreign country by themselves. as i further reflected, i also find myself feeling helpless when i cannot assist my family members in certain matters, like finances and health, because i do not comprehend some things. this made me question whether i am really that competent of an older daughter that i used to think i am.
Hey @claire_123. I can really hear how much being the “older daughter” role has meant to you. It sounds like you’ve always carried it with pride and love, but now you’re questioning whether you still live up to it as life changes.
Being the older daughter often comes with invisible expectations, sometimes from family, sometimes from society, sometimes from ourselves. It’s easy to feel like you’re falling short when you compare yourself to others or to TikTok stereotypes. But the truth is, being the older sibling doesn’t come with a manual.
It might help to remember that “competence” as an older daughter isn’t a fixed definition because it evolves as you evolve. Being independent in adulthood doesn’t have to look like solo travelling or knowing everything about finances right away. Even if solo travelling or finances are goals you want to work toward, they’re still skills, and like any skill, they take time and practice.
It can also mean how you show up with love and care, learning as you grow with challenges, how you keep trying even things feel tough, and being there in ways that matters to your family. The fact that you care enough to reflect on this already shows how self-aware, responsible and thoughtful you are which are all strength of a competent older daughter.
It’s okay that you don’t know everything yet because adulthood is a process of learning, unlearning, and growing, not an overnight switch. You’re still learning, and that’s enough, ya 
Hello @claire_123, sharing a little fun fact - research shows that firstborns face 30-50% more stress and anxiety than their other siblings due to greater parental expectations and responsibilities. I personally admire my firstborn brother for his immense sense of familial responsibility and steadfastness - traits which I think are very valuable to society. I, on the other hand, have the benefit of being the fun, bright, sparky-minded, independent thinking younger sibling. As with people around us, we all have different strengths and pathways in life. I encourage you to focus on your strengths which seems to be your caring, nurturing and empathetic nature. This world needs more people like you.. and I am sure your family who loves you thinks so too!
Dear @claire_123,
Thank you for sharing something so personal - that took real courage, and I see you for that.
Your feelings are completely valid, and I understand why comparing yourself to others who solo travel might really shake your confidence. I must share that independence and maturity aren’t measured by a single action such as solo travelling. They’re seen through responsiblities, growth, countless daily choices that others might never even notice, being true to yourself…etc
As someone who also carries responsibility for younger siblings, I hear you. That comparison trap is real, and it can make you forget all the ways you’re already showing up as the capable, thoughtful person you are. But stepping back to solo travel because you recognize your current struggles with financial decisions? That’s not immaturity - that’s wisdom. That’s knowing yourself and making smart choices. There’s no wrong, no right, just what works best for you, and this decision works best for you, that’s being wise.
Also, some people thrive on solo adventures, others find fulfillment in different kinds of challenges, and both paths are equally valid. Your worth and maturity aren’t reduced because you’re honest about your limitations or because you choose different experiences than your friends.
You’re already demonstrating independence in ways that matter - in how you care for others, in your self-awareness, in the courage it took to share these feelings. These aren’t small things. They’re the real measures of who you’re becoming.
You’re doing better than you think, and you’re exactly where you need to be right now. You are very strong, see that in yourself.
Sending support and hugs💙
Lets not define stereotypes here. If older daughter is supposed to be competent and provide guidance to younger siblings yada yada, then I am the youngest daughter, currently the sole breadwinner of my family. Take that.
You should lift off that burden of the concept and medieval stereotype of “older daughter”. And your friends dubbed you as not being independent or adult solely because you can’t travel solo? That’s absurd. What basis do your friends have basing off on this theory? Why are they still your friends? (Kidding.)
It should all boil down to personality rather than the hierarchy in the order which you are born in.
And also give yourself a break. Cut yourself some slack. If you’re young (which presumably you are..) then know that you don’t have all the answers in the world and you are trying to be the best daughter you can be, irregardless of being older or younger! And like someone said to me “We are all a work in progress”. Trust me when I say this some older adults don’t even have it together.
So, no I don’t believe in societal/cultural ideologies of older daughter being this or that. And neither should you.
Have you watched the movie Diam Diam Era part 1 to 3? well….it portrays very well the role and responsibilities of the eldest daughter back in the older days.
Still….in modern days, i believe we shouldnt be too focus on such labelling. While…..in general a family should be a shared responsibility for it to work. And people tend to take for granted if you do too much.
I am not the oldest of the family, in fact i was the youngest, and i end up always the one to step up because I am a natural Jack of all trades, and the only issue is that due to mental health issues, i find it hard to stay employed. Still…..i am always in the spot where i find myself giving $1 and yet the family wanted $10. get what i mean? End of the day i pretty much just ignore them and mind my own business. And step up when it’s needed. Afterall…i dont see the reason to let everyone in the family build reliance on me.
So end of the day, being competent also means knowing when to help and when to stop helping. Just imagine if one day if you are sick and hospitalised, who should be the one to take care of the family issues?
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As a fellow eldest daughter, I can get where you are coming from. People often say older daughters become second mothers, but that’s too pressurising I feel. I actually read up on Clevel and Clinic that there is a thing known as Eldest Daughter Syndrome which is about the pressure that eldest daughters face.
It’s a good idea that u started feeling the uncomfortable with the pressure you are facing and I assure you this is a safe space to open up.
hello, fellow older daughter here, and I can see that you have provided care and love to your older siblings and helping around the house, which is super heartwarming 
I believe it is a personal preference as to whether one would one to travel independently and it does not affect your independence (as there are other ways of doing so, and seeing that you actively guide your siblings is a form of strength <3) rooting for you 
@lovelychange Swift also ustand the pressures of being Firstborn, her new album has a song Daughter. Have u heard it? Many commented they were crying when they heard it. In my case, got favoritism of boy by fogey ( i dw call him dad), caused me jealousy when younger. Alw bought toys force me must share. And i alw scored better with academic, but nev rewarded. He still disrespect females, its ingrained.
Last time i wanted approval din get, hm so now i wun respect such old folks. Empower myself