I’m in a situation where its hard for me due to my anxiety, constantly feeling like i’m unlikable. My coworkers don’t like me and its taking a toll on my mental health, I know I shouldn’t place my worth on how people perceive me but I just can’t love myself to be able to just not. I’m finding it hard to understand that it’s okay to not be liked by everyone. Recently saw a tiktok video about how social anxiety is rooted in this feeling of unworthiness and how you don’t fit in and everyone knows it and thinks it. And that it affects you because you’re ashamed of who you are. Haha this video keeps playing in my head because i know it’s true! I am so ashamed of myself, I think i’m a waste of space and that there is not a single good thing about me. I want to get better and I don’t know how.
Hey @user1552 ! I am so glad you reached out and shared your pain, I am sure there are other people who face this same emotions. Well, I did face this before previously and then worked on myself for a few years, haven’t fully recover yet and still learning now!
So you mentioned that you are ashamed of yourself, what makes you feel so? Have you talked to your close ones like your friends and family about how you feel? If you did ask them before, what do they say about you? Sometimes it’s just playing in your head that oh everyone in the world dislike me, but is it really the truth or is that what you think? As a practice, you can try listing the good things you have done and the not so good things you have done! It can be anything and can be something small like - I acknowledged my issue of having anxiety and I am trying to help myself by asking for help. I am so brave for this because I know I have been stuck with this problem for so long and I havent been fixing it but now I want to be better. If you have the mental capacity, you can try working on yourself like learning a new skill (maybe engage in sports/gymming/drawing/coding/fashion/skincare/finances/planning for activities/trips,etc). There’s a ton of things you can learn and if you are clueless, just let me know and I can suggest things for you to learn haha! I think it’s important for you to build self-love, self-compassion and confidence before we tackle the broader issue of not caring what others dislike about you.
Hope this helps and is not just a ramble!
hey, since its intern, just look forward for it to end. Try not to make the same mistakes again in future in other workplaces. I will usually leave the place if i messed up bad until colleague dont want to move on from my mistakes.
try to find urself a supportive community.
I’m open to be friends
You need to read The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga - it is an invaluable read and lays out everything you have discussed and provides a construct within which you can manage it. I have made so many changes to my life since reading it, and it’s so easy to read!
Happy to share my thoughts on what I took from the book if you read it and feel the need / desire to talk further about it
Dear user1552, I hear you, your challenges and your struggles. I promise you, you are not alone in feeling this way.
The first thing that caught my eye about your post is your title. Do you know that there is a book with the same title? “The Courage to be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga (you can borrow this book at the NLB by the way).
Perhaps the book might give you the answer you are seeking, how to be ok not to be liked by everyone. Maybe the book won’t give you the answers, and that is ok too. Because this can be an opportunity to read about how others respond to the same situation you are in if you like. And this is an invitation that I like to extend to you, because I have deeply benefited from this book too.
To go back to the questions that you were asking. There seem to be 3 areas that you are highlighting: 1. Anxiety 2. Challenges with co-workers and the impact on mental health 3. Feelings about yourself: feeling shame and I have nothing good.
Because you are grappling with many things at the same time, it can get overwhelming to handle it all by yourself. I like to invite you to reach out and allow someone to support you in this process. But here are some wayw to support you right now, and to kick start this process of you like:
- Anxiety - Emotions are simply information to us about the situation. And the mesage of anxiety is often about the lack of safety e.g. how people are perceiving me. There are lots of practices available on Wysa that can support you:
- (6 min) Mental Support & Wellbeing Resources in Singapore to Improve Your Mental Health | mindline.sg
- (4 min) Mental Support & Wellbeing Resources in Singapore to Improve Your Mental Health | mindline.sg
- Mental Support & Wellbeing Resources in Singapore to Improve Your Mental Health | mindline.sg
But my personal favourite is 478 breathing if you like to check it out (link)
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I don’t know the exact situation at your workplace, and thus I cannot say much. But I have a curiosity for you, how do you know that your colleagues do not like you? Did they say it to you, or you thought this way because of what you saw or heard? Know that if you didn’t actually hear them say it, the thought of them not liking you, is your thought and not theirs. If you like to do an experiment, I like to invite you to test it and see if the thought that you have is true. And you can do that by asking them directly. If they already don’t like you, what have you got to lose? You only have things to gain, by taking the courage to respond in a different way, to get a different outcome.
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Deep feelings about yourself - These thoughts that you have about yourself, chances are they weren’t there for a day, or a month or even a year. But it’s probably years that you’ve been grappling with these thoughts. And if these are the thoughts you’ve been telling yourself for as far back as you can remember. Then we need to be a little patient with ourselves as we work through this. The invitation I have for you is to this, the way you think about yourself or talk to yourself “I’m a waste of space or that there isn’t a single good thing about me.” Will you say the same thing to others? And if not, why do you feel it’s ok to say these things to yourself? The invitation I have for you if you are open, is to simply treat yourself the same way you would treat others. No more, no less. Just speak to yourself internally, the way you would to others.
And lastly, there is a lot of information in the social media world, but how do we know what is true and what isn’t? What works for someone may or may not work for us, so I like to invite you to find your own truth, how you want to relate with others and how you want to show up in life.
I hope you find the answers that you seek, and deep peace within you.
Cheering for you,
Seektruth