Dropping out of College bc of MH

[bumblebee03]

Last week, I decided to drop out of college. I felt like this was the right decision but deep down I am extremely disappointed in myself. College has been a confusing time for me and I’m sure I’m not alone in this. I’ve changed my major, transferred schools and cut contacts with people that were bringing out the worst in me. I struggled with severe depression and anxiety and relapsed with my eating disorder and self-harm. In the 3 years I was at college, I had two mental health crisis, both of which I had to be hospitalized.

I know that I can be capable of academics. Financial worries are not on the forefront of my mind because my parents support me, which I am grateful for. I feel like its wasted money, time and effort to continue higher education because my track record with my mental health has been awful. Starting in high school I became a “revolving door patient” in pysch units. I feel so much shame for being given all of these wonderful life-changing opportunities and my mental state kept taking it away from me again and again and now my college degree. I decided to drop out for safety reasons and it was deteriorating my personality which eventually lead to a deep depression and autistic burnout where I felt like I lost any functioning. I didn’t (and still don’t) feel like a person/human. [sidenote: this year I discovered I am autistic which has been a lot to process as well].
I had all of these expectations for myself. I wanted to get a degree to show people ‘I made it’. It was the one thing I told myself: “At least I will get a degree”, when I was going through crisis after crisis in my teens.

Most of all I am exhausted. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, and I hate pretending that I am fine when I am not. Does everyone just fake that they are ok and “have it all figured out?”. I feel heavy and like I want to sink into the ground every day for just existing. Adulting and figuring out how to support yourself is hard enough.

At what point does pushing through become harmful instead of brave?

Thank you for reading my rant. I hope you have a lovely day.

[tobs]

Hi there @bumblebee03 , first off, thank you so much for sharing openly, vulnerably, and eloquently about the struggles that you’re facing. I want to tell you that you did a brave thing taking care of your needs at the moment and choosing to do the hard thing to drop out of college.

It really does sound like a lot has gone on in the past few years and it took tremendous energy and courage to keep going. It makes sense that you feel burnt out and tired right now.

@bumblebee03

I wanted to get a degree to show people ‘I made it’. It was the one thing I told myself: “At least I will get a degree”, when I was going through crisis after crisis in my teens.

This goal must have served you during those few years in college to sustain and drive you forward. Though, goals are just directions sometimes and we can always change direction, make a u-turn when the path ahead doesn’t feel right Life is long (and not easy at all!), and this is but a speed bump along the way. There is always the choice to come back to it when you feel ready, and if it still feels like something you’d like to pursue for yourself.

@bumblebee03

Does everyone just fake that they are ok and “have it all figured out?”.

Would also like to encourage you that it takes bravery to put a pause to things when everyone else seems to be moving forward. Though, what we see that people put up is usually not the full truth of their entire being! There is absolutely nothing wrong with showing that they are ok, and at the same time, it’s also completely fine to wear your heart on your sleeve From this, I can see that you perhaps value authenticity and that is a great thing!

Just a little sharing about myself, I am in my early thirties now and decided to do a career switch just because it feels right to me at the moment. I do not know what lies ahead, and it is indeed terrifying to be restarting when my peers are moving on to senior positions in their various careers. Pushing through my previous job will have meant that I prioritised my career over my interests and I believe I will probably regret not taking my current step.

In the same vein, I don’t think there’s really a meter to decide when pushing through is good or bad; everyone has a different threshold and reason for doing so However, it might be helpful to take some time to tune into your emotions and personal goals, and find meaning in the decision that you’re making at present. I encourage you to trust in your ability to make decisions that are uniquely right for you, and discover the value of the pause you’re taking for yourself.

Sending my love, and I wish you all the very best. I will be here if you wish to share/discuss more