Hey @Strider,
I want to start with something subtle but important. You mentioned worrying that this might sound “cliché.” That reads less like a comment about your situation, and more like a fear of being judged or dismissed again, especially when the struggle already feels very real and very visible to you, yet others seem to carry on as if it’s nothing. That kind of quiet invisibility can hurt more than people realise.
When you talk about your whole body shaking at the thought of going to college, that doesn’t sound like dislike or lack of motivation. It sounds like your body has been holding too much fear for too long, to the point where it reacts automatically, almost as if it’s trying to protect you by shutting things down before you’re overwhelmed. That response makes sense when someone has been under sustained pressure.
I also want to pause at what you shared about lying about passing subjects. This part matters. It doesn’t come across as carelessness. It reads like something you did to cope to buy time, to protect yourself from shame, and from the fear of what might happen if you couldn’t meet expectations. The difficult part is that fear grows in the background when it’s avoided, and now it sounds like your mind keeps circling the same worry: What if the truth comes out and I’m left alone?
If failure or not meeting expectations hasn’t felt safe in your world, it makes sense that your system learned to hide and endure instead. That’s not a flaw, it’s a learned survival response.
Right now, it feels like you’re standing at an edge, wanting relief, but not knowing whether being honest will cost you too much; home, safety, belonging. That’s a frightening place to be, especially when it feels like everyone around you expects performance but doesn’t see the toll it’s taking.
I want you to hear this gently: feeling like there is no support at all is understandable in this state, but it isn’t the whole picture, even if it feels that way right now. There are people here who are taking you seriously. And there are people outside this space too, counsellors and helplines, whose role is not to push you or judge you, but to help you sit with fear, slow it down, and work with your body’s reactions at a pace that feels safer.
For now, nothing has to be decided all at once. Not college, not family, not the future. A first step can be much smaller, learning how to name the fear, notice where it shows up in your body, and letting someone help you bring it from “overwhelming” to something more manageable.
And if there are moments when holding all this by yourself feels too much, please remember there are people just a phone call or chat away who can stay with you through those moments. You deserve somewhere to land where fear doesn’t get to decide everything.
You’re not weak for being here. You’re here because you’ve been trying to survive in a situation that hasn’t felt safe for a long time and we are listening.
