I'm scared, I feel trapped

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(tw: sh)

I don’t really know what to do right now. I’m scared and I feel trapped inside my own body because it feels like it’s been so long since I was last functional or able to control myself. I’m even scared to think and be in my own head, it’s like I’m always spiralling down, so I always try to distract myself with my phone and novels. In consequence, so many responsibilities in my life are being neglected, and I will need to reap the consequences if this goes on.

I’m a student in my last year of high school, and I haven’t been able to meet my academic demands at all. I think it’s been bad since 5 years ago, because that was the time I started harming myself due to academic stress and fear. No one ever noticed anything because I was functional up until last year where I can’t keep up with everything anymore. I used to be the best student in my class, was described as cheerful by people around me, and even though I don’t feel mentally well, I managed to keep it hidden up until now, and no one suspected a thing.

I think I started harming myself because it’s the most effective way to force myself to do my responsibilities. I can’t describe exactly why, but it just is. I actually hate harming myself, I hate the pain, I don’t like dealing with the scars, but it’s effective, so I can’t stop. Because the world doesn’t wait for me, I need to keep being functional even though I’m struggling. I’ve been clean for a few months now though, because I noticed that even harming myself isn’t effective at making myself do my responsibilities anymore.

I don’t have the motivation to live anymore, but it’s not like I want to die either. I just can’t see anything in my future, and it scares me. It’s been so many years since I last genuinely want something, felt passion towards anything, or do something just for the sake of it because of my own desire. I’ve just been doing the things I need to do, and the rest are just distractions…

I genuinely don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I don’t know what I want, and I can’t even picture what happiness would look like for myself because I don’t have any desire.

I’ve tried reaching out for help to my mother a few years ago, but it’s like she didn’t even want to give me help. She acknowledges that I’m harming myself but then she didn’t do anything about it. Because if this I often don’t know if I’m just over exaggerating my problems inside my own head and everything is actually just fine, because I know my mother loves me and we aren’t on bad terms or anything… I don’t get why she ignored me, but it hurts, and I think because of it I’ve started closing off from my mother and gotten into so many arguments with her.

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Hi @user1652,

I understand the overwhelming sensation of being ensnared in a cycle of emotions that appears to be out of control. It’s really hard to feel like you’re unable to meet your own expectations, especially when the pressure from school and everything else is never-ending. It makes sense that you’d want to distract yourself from all those feelings, but it sounds exhausting and lonely at the same time. I can imagine how frustrating it must be to feel like no one truly sees or understands what you’re going through.

It appears that you either shut down or resort to distractions, such as your phone or novels, to manage overwhelming emotions. You mentioned that harming yourself used to help you feel in control, even though you don’t like it and it doesn’t really work anymore. This suggests you’re trying to force yourself to keep up with everything when you feel like there’s no other way to make it through the day. These coping methods make sense because they’re a way to keep moving when everything feels too heavy, but it sounds like they’re no longer giving you the relief they once did.

I want you to know that I understand that It’s not easy to experience this kind of emotional numbness and feel disconnected from everything, including yourself. More importantly, I was curious: what were your responsibilities? What will happen if you don’t do your responsibilities? As you mentioned that you are in your last year of high school and you haven’t been able to meet your academic demands at all, were you referring to this as your responsibilities? I want you to know that it’s okay to not have all the answers about your future or what happiness looks like right now. I want you to know that we don’t necessarily have all the skills to handle responsibilities, and sometimes we need time to acquire those skills.

You’ve mentioned a few things that used to work for you, like the distractions you turn to. It might help to start small—maybe a five-minute break to do something you enjoy, like listening to music or a quiet walk, just to reconnect with yourself. When it comes to your responsibilities, breaking them down into smaller, more manageable steps might help, too—like tackling one thing at a time instead of thinking about everything all at once.

What about having to speak to your school counsellor? They may be able to assist and work with you, and you will not be alone to handle this.

It might seem impossible to find a way out right now, but even small actions can make a difference. You don’t need to have everything figured out right away. What’s important is that you’re talking about it and starting to explore different ways to cope. And that’s a huge first step. You’ve been incredibly strong by pushing through, even when things have felt so heavy. I believe in your ability to find a way forward, and you don’t have to do it alone.

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that sounds quite scary and exhausting to go through :frowning: i can relate to the pressure of academic stress and it really can get a lot over the years

i really do see that you’re trying hard despite everything though and i want to affirm you for that… even if our coping mechanisms may not be the most helpful the fact that you keep on going and trying is an achievement in itself

it must be frustrating to have your family dismiss your concerns :frowning: would you consider seeing a school counsellor or seeking help from another social service agency?

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Hello, thank you for replying to me
Yes you’re right, the responsibilities I was referring to are connected to my academic demands. Aside from normal tasks like homeworks and tests, I’m in the student council, a club, and a non-profit, all of which involve many people. I don’t want to cause trouble and inconvenience anyone by not fulfilling my role, so I can’t afford to falter. I’m also in a government managed program that I can’t afford to mess up in either, because they’re really strict and it could reflect poorly on my school if I mess up, and subsequently all my juniors who want to sign up next year would have a harder time. I prioritize the things that would affect other people first, but it causes my own grades and performance in school to drop because I can’t manage all of them. I was told to manage my time better and I know they’re right, because there would be periods of time where I feel like I can’t do anything and really ended up doing nothing at all when I am supposed to be finishing my tasks, so theoretically I should’ve been able to do the tasks I’m being given with the allotted time had I been better at managing myself. It just kind of hurt being told to do better when I genuinely don’t know how to.

I’ve tried to do as you said and break down my task into smaller steps, but maybe I was doing it wrong because I just ended up feeling more overwhelmed. I would list out the tasks that I need to do, and then assign them to each day before making a schedule. But it just makes me realize how little time I actually have and that many of my deadlines are almost on top of each other. How do you break down tasks and make it feel more manageable instead of being more conscious of how much you actually have to do?

The suggestion to do something enjoyable does actually sound good, and it has worked sometimes in the past, but most of the time I would have a hard time arranging my own feelings and thoughts to actually rest during the break, and I would just be more anxious and freeze, as in I can’t go back to my task anymore. Is this normal? What should I do about this?

And about the school counselor, my school only has a college counselor as in to help us for university admissions, instead of a guidance counselor, which you might be referring to…?
I’ve wanted to consult with my teachers for a long time though, but I never worked up the courage because I know they would be obligated to notify my parents about the things I say. And I just haven’t met any teachers or adults that I felt safe enough to consult with yet. I’m afraid of opening up to my friends and such because while I’ve done so in the past, their words bothered me more than help me, which I don’t really blame them for because they must not really know what to do either, and maybe I’m just too sensitive sometimes.

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Thank you for your supportive words :‘’
I hope you’re alright as well because it sounds like you relate to some of my experiences

I don’t have a school counsellor, but I’ve never considered a social service agency. I’m not sure how to acess them, and I don’t really know what they do, but thank you for the suggestion

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thank you for your concern, i am doing better after leaving school, you’re really kind :slight_smile:

some family service centres provide counselling and support services! services like CHAT and REACH can also help connect you to the services you need (though some may need parental consent im not too sure)

when you say you don’t have a school counsellor, does your school not have one at all? are there any teachers you are close to that you would consider talking to?

i get that navigating the system can be quite overwhelming though, if you need any help or support finding your way i am happy to help :slight_smile:

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I’m glad you’re doing better :raised_hands:
I’ve never really understood how to navigate things like social services and such. I’ve tried to call the helpline twice in the past and they didn’t pick up, so I kind of assumed things like this just aren’t handled very well in my country (?) I’ll do more research on my own later so I’m not as lost

And regarding the school counsellor, my school only provide a college counsellor unfortunately, and I haven’t met any teachers that I think I could trust yet, I’m going to keep trying though

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ah thats quite unfortunate :frowning: can i ask what country you’re in?

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I’m from Indonesia, and I think mental health isn’t a priority here yet because the country still faces many other issues

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ohhh okay… i dont know much about the services available in indonesia either :frowning: do you know anyone thats gone through something similar you can ask?

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Thank you for sharing more about what you’re going through—it’s clear you’re carrying a lot on your plate, and I can see how much you care about fulfilling your commitments without causing trouble for others. That’s a really admirable quality, and it shows how responsible and thoughtful you are. However, it appears that you’re overburdened to such an extent that it’s beginning to negatively impact you, a situation that can be challenging to handle independently.

It’s understandable that breaking tasks into smaller steps made you feel more overwhelmed—it seems like seeing everything laid out made the reality of your packed schedule feel even heavier. Sometimes, it can help to take a different approach, like focusing on just one or two priorities at a time instead of trying to map out everything all at once. For example, instead of scheduling everything for the entire week, you might try starting with just today or tomorrow. Would something like that feel more manageable?

About feeling anxious during breaks—that’s a really common experience, especially when your mind is still racing with everything you have to do. It’s okay to struggle with truly resting. One thing that might help is setting a timer for short, intentional breaks (like 5–10 minutes) where you do something calming, like deep breathing, stretching, or even just closing your eyes for a moment. The idea is to give your brain a small reset without the pressure of needing to “enjoy” the break or make it perfect.

I also hear your concern about not having a guidance counsellor or feeling comfortable consulting with teachers. That makes sense, especially if you’re worried about them informing your parents. It’s okay to take your time to find someone you trust. If a teacher feels too formal, is there someone else in your school or community—a mentor, a club advisor, or even a peer who has been through similar challenges—who might feel safer to talk to?

And you’re right, friends might not always know how to respond in ways that feel helpful, but it’s not because you’re “too sensitive.” You’re just looking for deeper understanding, and that’s a natural and valid need. It’s okay to want support that truly resonates with you.

You’re doing the best you can in an incredibly demanding situation, and the fact that you’re trying so hard to make things work shows your resilience. It’s acceptable to approach the situation incrementally, and even minor changes can yield significant improvements over time. You’re not alone in this, and with the right support and strategies, things can get better. Let’s keep exploring what might work for you. :yellow_heart:

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Maybe I could try asking my friends who’s had therapy in the past, they might know somehthing from their parents
Thank you for the insights : )

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Thank you very much for the suggestions, I will try implementing them and see how it goes. Reading what you said about rest, I realized I might have tried too hard to enjoy my rest instead of genuinely resting, which made rest feel more like a chore.

And regarding finding someone to talk to, I realized that it might not just about finding the right person but also how and what I shared to them… I think if I disclose too much at once they might feel overwhelmed. I noticed that the few times I’ve tried to share things in the past, people just ended up keeping their distance from me, might that be the cause? Being ignored hurts but I want to understand it from their perspective as well

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Thank you for your thoughtful reflections. It’s great to see you exploring what rest really means to you—recognising that it doesn’t have to be something to “achieve” but simply a time to let yourself recharge. That’s an important insight and a good step toward finding balance.

It’s also insightful that you’re considering how and what you share with others. Relationships can be tricky, and sometimes the way we share can unintentionally overwhelm others, even if they care. The fact that you’re reflecting on both your feelings and theirs shows a lot of emotional intelligence and willingness to grow. It’s understandable that being ignored would hurt, and it’s okay to feel that way.

If you’re open to it, taking small steps in sharing might help—for example, starting with one thing you’re comfortable with and gauging the other person’s response before sharing more. This can make the conversation feel more collaborative and less overwhelming for both sides. It’s a process, and it’s okay to experiment with what feels right for you and the people you’re sharing with. Let me know how things go! :yellow_heart:

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