i don’t know what to do anymore. a levels is less than a month away and i feel nowhere near prepared enough, yet i feel so stuck in depression that it’s so hard to just study. i’m so exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. i feel so alone and horrible that it genuinely always feels like i have a part of me missing. this feeling keeps getting heavier and heavier in my chest and i don’t know what to do anymore. sometimes i get the urge to sh again but eventually get too lazy to go through with it so i just sit on my bathroom floor and stare at the ceiling. i feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me, why am i like this?? i keep feeling this sense of doom like i’m going to d1e but i have no clue as to why. aside from occasionally feeling like i want to, this feels so different in that i can just feel it coming instead of me walking towards it. i just want to feel peace for once.
Hey @pastypanini,
First, I want to say that it’s really brave of you to share what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re carrying an incredibly heavy weight right now, and being so close to your A-levels and feeling trapped in depression must feel overwhelming, especially when you’re also dealing with exhaustion and loneliness. What you’re describing—the heaviness, the sense of something missing, and the pressure to study but feeling stuck and it’s no wonder you’re feeling drained.
It sounds like there’s a lot of pain and confusion right now, when you’re in a place where everything feels like too much, it’s really difficult to know what to do next or how to get out of that stuck feeling. The way you’ve described this growing heaviness in your chest, and that sense of doom—it’s important that you don’t have to go through this alone. Sometimes, the mind can get so overwhelmed that it feels like we’re losing control, but these feelings don’t define who you are.
You mentioned that you’ve had the urge to self-harm again and sometimes feel like you’re not even walking toward these feelings—they’re just coming at you. That’s really important, I want you to know that even though it feels like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, nothing about you is broken. The depression you’re feeling can make it seem that way, but that’s not who you are at your core.
It’s okay to feel lost or overwhelmed right now. A-levels are tough on their own, but with everything else weighing on you emotionally, it’s no wonder it feels like too much. It’s important to remember that while these feelings are heavy and intense, they can change. Right now, the most important thing is taking care of yourself emotionally, even before the exams. It’s okay to slow down and focus on what you need to feel safe.
If you feel up for it, reaching out to someone—a counselor, a therapist, or even a trusted friend—might help lighten some of that weight. They can help you sort through this feeling of doom and support you as you find a way to feel more like yourself again.
I also want to encourage you to have a safety plan in place for when those urges to self-harm come up. Maybe that’s a list of people you can reach out to or a set of activities that help distract you in the moment, even if it’s just for a short time. You deserve to feel safe and cared for, especially by yourself.
You don’t have to have all the answers right now. You’re not alone in this, and there are people who want to help you find that peace you’re looking for. Do take care of yourself.
Hello @pastypanini
Sounds to me you’re feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of taking your ‘a’ levels, and this has led you to feel paralyzed with fear, which is affecting your daily life.
First, I want to thank you for sharing this with us, especially the past history of SH, it is not easy to do that, and especially because it is seen as “shameful” by our society.
Second, I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re experiencing right now. It sounds awful and agonizing, especially the part of this impending sense of doom. I don’t know how you’re managing all this honestly, and I want to let you know you’re really strong and brave to be able to endure all this, because I couldn’t be able to manage that. I didn’t even dare to go JC lol!
And the part where you feel exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically, with you feeling alone and with a part of you missing. Reading through all that made me feel mentally overwhelmed by itself. It must feel so painful to go through this, with time feeling exceedingly slow. I’m really really sorry to hear that this is happening to you. And I sincerely hope that you get out of this hellhole asap.
May I ask have you let any close adult - be it your parent or teacher, know about your situation? In cases like this, having a close confidante can be good to let them know about what you’re experiencing. You may find that it may provide you with some relief.
While they may not be able to help with what you’re experiencing emotionally, they may be able to help with the ‘A’ level aspect and help you manage through it better.
All the best, I hope you feel better.