idk what is going on but I’ve been feeling quite down for some time now and recently it has kinda gotten a little worse. Suicide thoughts are constantly at the back of my mind and needless to say the urges to hit my head, throw things and cut myself. I caved in to some urges such as hitting myself and cutting but the guilt and shame of having to hide the scars is really shitty. I wore long sleeves and people are asking “are you not hot?” and random stranger saying to his friend “she’s wearing a sweater in this weather” make me feel so ashamed but yet sh is the only thing that can make me feel a lil better. it feels like whatever way i choose or do is always wrong isnt it. Also, in class, seeing how people are always class parting to get their participation marks makes me really stressed out. Even when the prof asks a question that I think I might know the answer, I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I always doubt myself and I would always rather trust others than to trust myself so i ended up not class parting and when the prof reveals the answer, sometimes my guess was right but since i didn’t volunteer to answer, i do not get any points and i will really hate myself and have thoughts such as “i wanna kill myself” and an urge to really just sh, throw things such as the chairs etc. My class participation score right now are relatively low as compared to my peers and i will always feel extremely down and disappointed after class and this damn cycle repeats every week. im so tired of feeling like this. Also, a test came back recently and honestly not great. I still can recall how the prof shook her head and also told the class how disappointed she was in this class that 8 people failed the quiz…(and sadly I am one of them.) i feel like a loser in this and yea… I am also really stressed for my project work and im constantly scared that I am not contributing enough to the team. i really feel like i suck. idk. i just wanna die honestly. also on the topic of wanting to die, my friend’s friend suddenly fell really ill and needed urgent surgery or a transplant to stay alive. This make me feel like a real loser because why do i keep wanting to die while other people are trying their best to stay alive… then here comes the thought that if i die, i can donate my organs to those who truly wants to live. not tryna make this sound heroic or what not but its lowkey a win-win isn’t it. idk. idk how to save myself anymore. i’ve been holding on for quite long already and im scared that i might actually give up soon…
what’s making u suicidal and the need to self harm?
Seems like you feel unconfident in yourself, you feel like you have a lack of ability due to your academics which is leading you to have low self worth. And this lack of self worth is driving suicidal thoughts within you. Yet you feel guilt because you understand the concept of valuing life.
I’m really sorry to hear all this is happening to you, it must feel overwhelming and tiring at the same time. You must be in a lot of pain to have thoughts of suicide.
I want you to know that it is not ‘sinful’ to feel guilty over having feelings of suicide yet wanting to at the same time. In the end, you want to live this life but want to avoid this pain you’re experiencing in your life.
I do not know the full extent of your situation, nor can I ever fully understand this deep pain you’re going through right now. But I want to let you know, even as an anonymous reader here, reading this short blog post, I can feel how difficult your life is right now and how you want to escape from this living hell.
If you can, try and consult a close adult, such as your parent or form teacher. Let them know these feelings of pain you’re experiencing and the problems that cause them. Perhaps they can provide some wisdom or solution to help you escape this problem. If possible, get them to refer you to a counsellor or psychotherapist, for example: the school counsellor.
While I do not advocate for self harm, I perfectly understand why you are using it as an outlet to help cope with your life right now. It prolly seems like even breathing and eating may be difficult at this point right? If self harm for now helps you feel better and cope in the time being, I understand why you would perform it.
I would advice you to find an adult you trust and consult them on the daily. Given that you are wearing sweaters to hide your SH scars, it seems you are afraid of getting judged for the mental health crisis you are experiencing right now.
I want to assure you a trusted adult like your form teacher will do the most to ensure your safety and comfort. I don’t know you personally, but I’m sure you are a life that the ones around you treasure.
May god bless you
Hi anonymous 394
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I believe it takes a huge dose of courage to reach out for help as you navigate this difficult period. Please also know you are never alone. Just look at the number of people who have responded to your post! It strongly suggests there are many people who care and want to listen. You reaching out here is already a great step towards you coming out of this situation. Your feelings are fully valid and understandable. 
May I ask you to quickly reach out to the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) which offers a 24/7 hotline at 1767. You can also reach out to them via WhatsApp at 9151 1767.
Additionally, if you feel immediate danger, please call the emergency medical services at 995 or head to the nearest Accident & Emergency Department.
Your school Counsellor is another resource available to help you process your emotion and develop strategies to better manage your situation so that you feel safe. She could educate and equip you with skills such as emotional regulation, progressive muscle relaxation and alternatives to urges to self harm.
Meanwhile I recommend that you:
- Keep a gratitude journal. Take stock of what you are thankful for.
- Exercise daily. It releases Endorphins which is a feel good hormone.
- Practice mindfulness. Studies suggest it can help build resilience and reduce feeling of inadequacy.
- Do the opposite action. Instead of avoiding class participation, participate. Set a small goal achievement such as “I will answer three questions the lecturer posts.” To address procrastination and study techniques, use the pomodoro method where you focus for 25 minutes and rest for 5. The cycle repeats until you cover the topic.
- Reach out to trusted friends and family. Studies suggest that surrounding yourself with good support builds self confidence.
Please remember you are not alone. Your life is deeply precious and there is an exciting life journey ahead waiting for you. Keep going and take small steps. You got this!