School makes me hate myself so much

I haven’t felt proud of myself in ages, I can’t remember how it’s like to not doubt yourself, I don’t know when’s the last time I didn’t feel like a pathetic stupid student that tries but not hard enough, that does work, but not well enough. I don’t even recognise myself anymore.

I’ve never felt so incompetent and useless. I’ve been trying to get an internship and not a single company has offered me a position, when all my classmates are one by one getting hired. The deadline for me to secure an internship is already over actually, but I’m still trying.

And FYP has been a little short of terrible. Not that I’m doing bad work, I just can’t motivate myself to do better. In reality I just want to give up and never think about school ever again. I chose this route, I chose poly, I did this to myself so I cannot give up, not when I’m so close to the end. But it has taken every drop of self-confidence in myself. Even my friends point out how much I overthink, how much I panic and doubt myself.

Everyday in school, I lose more respect for myself and I hate that I hate myself. I feel so bad about myself it’s not going to stop until I graduate. And when I graduate, I want to try a new path. But what if I suck at that too? Am I even good at anything, will I ever be happy with myself? What do I do, I feel so suffocated. Can I make it to uni? If I give up now, the nights I cried and cried and forced myself to stay up to finish my work and make it as best i can for the past 2 years would have been for nothing. All the times I sacrificed my health, my time for those I love, to get a good grade, if I tank it now then I’ll be an idiot right. FYP and internship takes up so many credit units. But I really really want to throw in the towel. I just want to be myself again.

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Dear @clover ,

Thank you for coming here to share your struggles with us. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It’s tough when it feels like everything is piling up, and you can’t seem to catch a break. :people_hugging: Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. :orange_heart:

It sounds like you’re putting in a lot of effort and still not seeing the results you hoped for. Not getting an internship when you see your classmates getting hired can be really discouraging. It’s important to remember that everyone’s journey is different. The fact that you’re still trying, even after the deadline, shows how resilient and determined you are. :clap:t4: :clap:t4:

Feeling like you’re not doing well enough or that you’re not trying hard enough is something many people experience, especially in a competitive environment. It’s easy to be your own harshest critic. It might help to take a step back and recognise the effort you are putting in, even if it doesn’t always feel like it’s paying off. You are doing your best, and that is enough.

Regarding your FYP, it’s understandable that motivation can be hard to come by when you’re already feeling low. Try to break down the work into smaller, more manageable tasks. Celebrate the small victories along the way, no matter how minor they may seem.

It’s also okay to seek support from those around you. Talk to your friends, family, or poly counsellor about how you’re feeling. Sometimes, just sharing your struggles can lighten the load. It’s okay to ask for help, and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Thinking about the future and fearing that you might not succeed is natural, but it doesn’t mean that you will fail. You’ve come this far, and that shows you have the strength to keep going. Even if this path doesn’t seem to be working out perfectly, it doesn’t mean you won’t find success and happiness in the future.

Many people have struggled early on in their school life and still went on to achieve great things. For example, Albert Einstein had difficulties in school and was thought to have a learning disability, but he went on to become one of the most influential scientists in history. Oprah Winfrey faced numerous challenges and setbacks in her early life, yet she became a highly successful media mogul and philanthropist. Similarly, J.K. Rowling faced significant hardships and rejections before her success with the Harry Potter series.

When we feel anxious or fearful, our thinking brain, which is responsible for creative solutions, can slow down because our brain is in survival mode. This can make it harder to come up with new ideas or perform at our best. It’s like our body’s resources are focused on immediate survival, as if there’s a tiger in the room, rather than on tasks like meeting a school deadline or polishing up a resume, which aren’t life-threatening. When we help our body feel safe and cared for, we can then achieve long-term success.

What you’re doing right now might feel like a top-down approach, where you’re relying on sheer willpower and mental strength to push forward. Consider adopting a bottom-up approach instead. This involves listening to your body’s wisdom and prioritizing self-care to enable your best performance. Picture yourself as the manager of millions of cells within you. When you’re kind and nurturing towards yourself, you create an environment where those cells can thrive and excel, rather than just survive under harsh conditions. Providing your body with essentials like nutritious food, adequate sleep, and regular movement gives it the resources it needs to generate the outcomes you’re aiming for. When these basics are lacking, our body naturally slows down to protect itself.

Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself with activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Allow yourself breaks and moments of rest. When your body feels safe and cared for, it can innovate and perform at its best.

Remember, your worth is not determined by your academic or professional achievements. You are valuable just as you are. Your worth doesn’t change; it is not transactional. Adopting a growth mindset that it’s safe to make mistakes and you can always learn can be a helpful strategy. See the gap in any situation as a gap in skill or knowledge and not a gap in who you are as a person.

I hope you’ll choose to hit reset and take it one step at a time, and be kind to yourself. I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter! :grinning:

Take care,
Cool Breeze =)

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