I can't do this

Ask a Therapist Seeking Help
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I know time and time I have been here lol, posting a few things and lurking around the posts, and sometimes I just wonder, when will I feel the need to not come back ( in the way as in my problems are solved and whatnot )

I feel like things are getting worse again, I don’t know how, but its just getting worse, my mentality, my headspace in general.

I’ve been forgetting, a lot more then usual, I’ve been sadder, I’ve been more stubborn lately, in the way where everything has been screwing with my work because my brain says you cant do work until you have a conversation with someone at 1am at that made me stay up for 5 hours to find someone to talk to. I never did the work after.

Im in poly, I can’t be doing this, why am I doing this? I should be more responsible, I need to be more responsible. I should be helping myself, I’ve been trying, listening to things that might help. Take a small step! Don’t plan unattainable goals! Why don’t I listen to it?

Its to the point where I keep thinking of sending myself to the hospital to try and find another excuse to not submit work again. I dont want to die, yet I don’t really know how true that statement feels to me anymore

I’m still waiting for my psychiatrist evaluation next monday. My teacher is already exhausting his efforts to help me. My parents are spending so much to help me. I don’t want to retake. But at this point I just might with how badly I’ve been doing, and how last minute I’ve been doing things and submitting.

This isn’t just oh they’re stressed, they’ll do better next time and know to submit early next time anymore. This is why? why can’t I help myself?

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Hello @shi thank you for being so honest. What you’re going through sounds incredibly hard, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. This isn’t about laziness or irresponsibility. You want to do better, but your mind is fighting you, and that’s not your fault. Struggling with mental health can make even simple things feel impossible.

You are trying, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You’re aware of what’s happening and you’re taking steps like listening to advice and waiting for your psychiatrist appointment. That matters.

It’s normal to ask why you can’t just help yourself, but when your mind is tired and overwhelmed, self-help isn’t easy or enough. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you need support, and that’s okay.

You care a lot about your teachers and parents. You deserve help without guilt. You deserve peace and real support. Keep holding on to your appointment next Monday, but if things get worse, don’t hesitate to reach out sooner.

You are not alone. You matter more than any exam or deadline. Taking things one moment at a time is enough right now.

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Hey @shi it seems like you’ve been carrying a lot of weight inside you for a long while. From what you’ve shared, recently you have been experiencing overwhelming feelings of sadness more frequently, and can’t focus on your work anymore. You feel urges to go to the hospital, perhaps to escape the feelings of stress that engulf you when you’re doing your schoolwork. You’ve attempted to manage these emotions you’re dealing with, but somehow, your brain refuses to work with you. You feel extremely stressed and helpless, as your studies are on the line and your teacher and parents are doing all they can to help you — if you don’t do well you’ll be letting them down.

Phew, that was a lot, so let’s take a breather, alright? And whenever you’re ready, let’s talk about it :backhand_index_pointing_down:

Firstly, the symptoms that you’ve mentioned: pangs of sadness, increasing forgetfulness, the impulses to run to a hospital to see a doctor — then the feelings of guilt that ensue, wondering why aren’t you helping yourself. That’s not laziness or something wrong with you; there may be something more complex at play here that is out of your control.

Secondly, the expectations on you to do well in school, be it from your teacher, parents or the self. This further compounds the stress you have to deal with, as you feel the need to meet these expectations. But it’s okay. You are already trying your best to process your emotions, but your emotions don’t seem to cooperate with you. And that’s okay. If your parents and teacher know that you’re trying your best to be in the right mental headspace, I’m sure they wouldn’t blame you, and so, you shouldn’t be so harsh on yourself too.

Now then, what’s next? I believe the professional evaluation from the psychiatrist appointment you have would be useful for you to know whether there is an underlying condition that is causing your distress. From there, they will be equipped with the medical knowledge to provide you the best treatment plan there is to make you feel better.

Until then, the wait may be gruelling, but please have hope, just like I’m hoping that you will be able to overcome all this pain. If you ever need a community to talk to, let’s talk will always be here to lend you our listening ear. And if you want to talk to someone in real-time, you can call up the National Mindline hotline at 1771.

You’re not alone in this. Your parents, teachers, friends and the online community here are by your side. You will be able to get through this and by then, look back and find the fight today all worthwhile. Jiayou! :heart:

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Hey @shi. I just want to take a breath with you here, and acknowledge you for how hard you’re trying. Not just with school, but with holding yourself together when things feel like they’re falling apart. I can feel how much you want to do better, how much pressure you’re under, and how painful it is to not understanding why your brain won’t cooperate when you need it most.

Sometimes our brain freezes or spirals because it’s trying to protect us from something it hasn’t learned how to face yet. That’s not your fault, and needing help doesn’t make you weak. It makes you honest about your struggles.

You’re not failing, okay? You’re responding to distress the only way your brain knows how right now. You’re still showing up, still trying to make things right, still holding on to your appointment next Mon. All of that counts for something. Strength. Resilience. Patience. Grit. You name it.

If there’s one thing I hope you carry with you is that, you are not a burden for struggling. You are a person worthy of care. Always. Even if you can’t submit your work on time. Even if you feel like you’re failing.

You’re not alone in this, okay? Sending you lots of care and warmth :sunflower:

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hai @shi , thanks for sharing your troubles with us! it seems like you’re struggling a lot right now, with loneliness, academic stress and many other things.. on another note, its very considerate of you to think about how your parents and teacher might be stressed as well, but im sure they’re more than willing to be of support to you, so try not to worry :3

you mentioned you were getting forgetful lately, and also sleeping quite late; do you think these two could be related? sleep does have quite a large impact on memory, and on top of making you more forgetful, lacking sleep could also worsen your mood and make you more tired in your everyday life. perhaps we can try improving in small steps? for example, try to sleep a little bit earlier every day, and if you really need companionship, maybe you can wake up extra early to talk to someone instead of staying up late.

additionally, i know being unable to help yourself can seem like a personal failure, but i assure you it isn’t. no man is an island after all, and its alright to rely on others for help!! if a loved one was facing difficulties, you’d help them out too in return, right?

in general, i hope your evaluation goes well, and in the meantime, don’t stress too much okay? i believe in you!! :heart_decoration:

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Hey @shi,

it’s totally okay to find yourself here again… even if part of you wonders if there’ll ever be a time you won’t need this space. reading what you shared felt heavy, especially as it sounds like things keep slipping further away.

you mentioned you’re forgetting things more often, feeling sadder, and getting stuck in stubborn moments, like needing an impossible conversation at 1am. It’s clear you’re finding it hard to step out of this cycle, and I get how exhausting that must be.

you’re in poly now, i can imagine the pressure and the expectations building up. you’re already trying your best and sometimes even caring support from teachers and parents can feel like another layer of expectation. but maybe it’s okay to feel like you’re not coping perfectly. i mean who set this rule that you have to show you’re always responsible? and do you really have to manage all of this alone?

there’s time for everything, and no expectation for you to handle it all right now. if things feel heavy or impossible, what’s one gentle thing you can say to yourself?

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Hi OP,

Your experience really does sound similar to mine when I was in university. That feeling of constantly trying, trying and trying to get better, but you always fall down into that same hole of depression and anxiety. That feeling of being a burden to your loved ones. That feeling that you have to have things worked out.

I don’t know the full extent of the problems you’re facing, but I can understand it’s not easy when you’re always at war with yourself. It’s exhausting. You’re exerting so much of your energy just to keep it together. Honestly, the fact that you’re still here alive is already a win. Give yourself some credit. It’s not easy to keep living.

This is going to sound cliche, but I do believe that things can be better. It does not mean that it will be good, but it will be better. 4 years ago, I would probably not be here with how many times I’ve considered ending it all. I’m so lucky to have a good roommate who listened to all my vents. I’m lucky to have supportive batchmates and friends outside of university. I would say that life has gotten better, even though I’m still quite unsatisfied with some aspects of my life.

Let me tell you a story. When I was going through a depressive phase, I was looking up questions about whether it was worth it to just end it all. Call it morbid curiosity, I suppose. There was this one comment I saw on the Reddit thread and this line snapped me out of my depression:

“If you’re at the point where you want to end it all, that’s when you have literally nothing to lose, and only everything to gain. You are free.”

In how I interpret it, it means I can do whatever I want, and I won’t lose anything. So, do I really want to end my life in university, in a stressful and miserable state? No, not really. I want to end it with a bang. I want to find more things to care about. I want to pursue my passions. I want to do something that makes my heart leap with joy.

Sorry that this has become a really long post and I may have went on a tangent. But OP, I believe that you have the strength to overcome it. And you’re not as trapped as you think you are. You are free. Nothing matters, which is why you can choose to do whatever that makes you happy. I hope you can create your own happiness.

I’m glad that you’re getting yourself checked at a psychiatrist. I hope you’ll be able to get checked out and perhaps get prescribed medications if needed. I got prescribed antidepressants early this year and I will say that it has tremendously changed my life for the better. And I hope you’ll find some support groups or counselling services that can help give you the tools to deal with your problems.

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Hi @shi

Just want to acknowledge how brave you are and thank you so much for coming onto Mindline to share your thoughts :blush:! Although yes, coming onto Let’s Talk may seem like a bad thing to you because you keeping coming back because there are problems in your life. However, I just want to reassure you that you opening up about these problems on Let’s Talk is not a bad thing, and just want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with voicing them out and I want to thank you for even doing so, it means a lot to all of us :grin::sunflower:!

Anddd also want to reassure you that you ARE trying. By even taking this step to post about it here, to want to “fix” your “issues” is a sign you are already trying and you are making the effort to do it. Don’t belittle these small actions and small steps you are already taking, from just getting up from bed instead of doom scrolling for hours, to eating breakfast/lunch instead of stoning. From wanting to do well in school and to not disappoint your parents. These are small steps you are already doing, don’t belittle them and think they are not part of the efforts you are already taking :grin:! You got this! One small thought at a time :sunflower:.