I don't know what I'm doing?

[hello_loljx]

Heyy so urm, I don’t know how to start hahaa, sorry if this is weird or anything. So urm, I’m a secondary school student, next year will be my N(A)-Levels and well I’m pretty sure I’m behind in my studies because I haven’t been doing well at all, the whole year I’ve been wanting to improve but ended up..just not doing anything and..wasting time.

Okay..soo, I stay up late wanting to catch up with work, sometimes I do, but i think most of the times I don’t and like it’s not just on weekends I stay up late on weekdays trying to finish my homework or just catch up with anything i learnt that day..but I usually end up wasting time and i get scolded for sleeping so late. I make plans in my head of stuff I want to do related to my studies at night or when I think I want to do it..but I don’t follow it and just stay up playing games instead of what i planned (and still sleep late or even later), I’ll honestly hate myself for doing it, because I’ll feel so unproductive and stupid for wasting the very limited time i have.. I know that I should make a physical plan (like on paper or some) but I think I’ll just hurt more if I don’t follow it..but I also know that I should try it out before thinking about what could happen and I should still try it even if my head is messing with me..but I think I’m like procrastinating trying it or some, cause the more i want to try a physical plan the more I don’t want to try it because of the “I might hurt more if I try” type sh*t or like I start thinking about why a planner won’t work and end up not doing it anyways. The thing is..this is so frequent, I think about something I want to do or need to do that I don’t want to do it anymore..I try to find reasons to do it (eg. i need to study, it’ll improve my grades and starting early is better than later) but like the thing I want to do is stuck in my head reminding me every thinking second..that I really don’t want to do it anymore and even if I do it, it bothers me..like how I needed so many reminers to do something or like why did i choose to start so late. So when I do start, it hurts and when i don’t start it hurts (I’m saying it hurts because the thoughts don’t stop)..The only thing I can do without the thoughts..is once I’m thinking of it (or like just being told once) and i do it without another reminder of something like..“I/you need to do that” or “why haven’t i/you done that” or “why won’t you/i just do it”. (i/you is my thinking or what I’ll hear..i=me you=someone telling me). But it’s hard for me to do something with just being told once sincee usually..when I’m thinking of doing that something I can’t actually do it at that time and I’m just thinking of it or sometimes someone’s telling me to do something and I’m not available to do it..so because of that I usually end up reminding myself a lot of that something that I want/ need to do or I get reminded multiple times..I don’t know why I’m like that. I funny and err maybe I sidetracked. Lemme try to find a link. Oh right, urm so because of this, right? i stay up late with a plan in my head or a thought of something i need to do or want to do and sometimes end up not doing it and waste my time, sleep late and lowkey hate myself for it. Pretty sure it’s my fault and I don’t know how to defend myself if it isn’t..Btw, I get told it’s my fault (that I sleep so late and waste time or even waste electricity) by my family and I’m choosing to sleep late when I can just stop and go to bed earlier..they’re probably right and well I’m also starting to think it’s my fault but I also think that it got worse overtime (like I sleep later everyday) and i can’t just..sleep earlier..for example from sleeping at 4am to sleeping at 11pm..I don’t think I can do that..if it took months for me to start sleeping at 4am (not a good thing, it sounds like a flex, what.) how do i just start sleeping at like 11pm in one day(or night haha)? I’m Just venting about that honestly..like how unreasonable it sounds and how my family is telling me to just do that (I might be wrong and it could be 100% reasonable).

But urm, theoretically speaking if I know that I should sleep earlier, how it can help me in the future and present, how i need to sleep earlier because sleeping late and later consistently is not good, how I understand that sleep helps with my physical and mental health and like how I’m being told multiple times I need to sleep early and how bad sleeping late is and still choose to do it instead of slowly trying to sleep earlier (like 5 mins earlier everyday)…is proof that I’m not helping myself, right? Well, i don’t know if it’s “not helping myself”..but I’ve been starting to think that I’m actively trying to k*ll myself by sleeping late and later (making myself sleep deprived). I want to sleep earlier but at the same time I don’t. Maybe it’s because having less/not enough sleep (6?-2 hours of sleep on a weekday) helps me by shutting up the thoughts and fogging up everything in my head. Urm, I also know that it prevents me from learning and processing information properly..and urm that’s why it affects my studies, I’ve been sleeping in class when I don’t want to..and I drink coffee to cope but i still sleep in class- Whatever..urm it’s the hoildays,..but I’m behind in school/studies yeah and next year I need to buck up blah blah blah lock in blah blah study..yeah. Okay so about the “actively k¡ll¡ng myself” part..I may be su¡c¡dal but i won’t actually k*ll myself and I’m not in any danger, I don’t have a plan and it’s just a thought..a passing thought, yeah. But maybe it’s bad when sometimes..how I’d wish I’ll sleep and not wake up because I feel so miserable everyday haaha..or how I’d wish I’ll have some incurable sickness and die a horrible beath because I deserve it..or how i’d wish I’ll get into some accident and d¡e instead of someone else who didn’t deserve it..it’s not that bad, I’m still alive and fine and living life like how I’m supposed to, yeahh, yeah. ← me trying to convince myself. =D Urm anyways, this is pain to read, i think I’ll make paragraphs (spacing).

Continuing on elaborating the feeling of misery..? I don’t think I’m actually miserable…I have friends and family like siblings (so I’m apparently not alone), I know of ways to help myself (eg. exercising, breathing exercises, talking to people about my problems or just talk to people in general, not being alone or being alone.., eat healthy, self-care, don’t be around negative people, etc), I know what I’m doing wrong, I’m literally not miserable. But, I feel tired almost everyday even after sleeping enough (note: but i still sleep late), I still feel alone/lonely? even though I have people I can reach out to(i think I won’t reach out to my friends because I feel like I’ll burden them? or they don’t really need to know because I don’t know their problems too or like I don’t want to explain because I feel like I’m too far gone amd unfixable..or i feel like they don’t really care in general) (I will not be reaching out to my family about things like this because they will say it’s all because of myself like how i caused it(which I probably did..) and stuff like “I gave you life” type sh¡t or like how I’m selfish and how lonely they’d be if I k¡lled myself), I want to do things but I don’t (and it’s a whole cycle with my head not shutting the f*ck up), I get shouted/scolded at(hahaa, it doesn’t sound so bad..except that sometimes there isn’t really a reason to shout and scold me, like the thing they want to say can be said but they choose to shout at me, sometimes and they could just be in a bad mood or it’s not my fault but they think it is and they are just mad so there’s no point explaining cause they wanna scold or shout at someone..funny, but again, it could be 100% my fault and I did something wrong to get scolded/shouted at and i deserve it :)), I kind of hate myself and I hate the life I’m living(very much). I hate myself cause I feel like I’m doing so badly and I can’t really do well anymore, I feel like I’m actually stupid and losing my mind sometimes, I feel like I’m a living burden sometimes, I feel like there’s so many things I need to do but i don’t end up doing it and I’ll regret it, I feel like every time I get shouted/scolded at a part of me breaks more, I feel like being forced to do something is so suffocating..like I can’t plan and do something on my own, I feel so tired of this physically? and mentally, I feel so unaccomplished, I feel so f*cking useless and worthless, I feel so wasted on, I feel so hopeless and I so hopeful at the same time, I want to give up and just stop trying? and I want to just stop caring. I should k¡ill myself. I’m not in danger or in any harms’s way, it’s just a thought, I won’t act on it and I have reasons to stay. i know it’ll get better or at least I think it’s supposed to get better and I’ll stop feeling like this, it’ll be okay because I know all the ways to get better..I’ll just end it here now :)) hope this isn’t too much.

[hello_loljx]

Oh yah, also, is not that I’m not happy or that I don’t go out and hangout with people (my family and friends), it’s just that when I do I’m just happy in the moment and when it ends I’m usually back to feeling miserable and it just feel like I wasn’t really happy or enjoying myself even though I was. But I also feel like sometimes I’m not actually happy in the moment like I’m just putting on a face to not let others worry and I don’t like pretending to be happy because it’s so tiring..I don’t really know how ro stop..but it’s fine, I’m fine :DD byee!

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hey @hello_loljx ,

I can feel how much effort you are already making before anything even happens.

What comes through is someone who confesses first and then turns very hard on themselves, almost as if criticising yourself early might reduce the impact of shame later. That kind of self-talk is usually learned. It does not appear out of nowhere. I can see that you are not “failing to perform.” , although quietly, it’s your way of showing protest.

You have been trying. Staying up late, replaying plans in your head, wanting to catch up and that matters. But when the plan does not happen, the voice that follows is harsh: “unproductive,” “stupid,” “my fault.” Those sound like words that have been heard before. Possibly from home and moments where effort was overlooked and only outcomes were noticed.

Over time, when your efforts are repeatedly met with scolding or disappointment, something inside begins to protect itself. Not by giving up entirely, but by avoiding. Not because you do not care, but because caring has become painful. Trying again means risking the same familiar hurt of being told it is still not enough.

On sleep, I want to slow this down with you. Being told that you are “choosing to sleep late” misses an important part of the picture. Sleep is not only a decision. It involves routine, rhythm, safety, and regulation. When your mind is constantly judging and looping, the night may be the only time things quiet down. It makes sense that your body holds on to that. That is not self-harm. It is a nervous system coping the only way it knows how.

Sleep is not just about deciding to “sleep earlier.” Your body needs a few things to work together.

Routine means doing similar things before bed every night. Even small habits help. When your body sees the same pattern, it learns that it is time to slow down. Without a routine, your brain stays switched on even when you are tired.

Rhythm is your body clock. Sleeping at 3 or 4am for a long time shifts that clock. That is why suddenly trying to sleep at 11pm feels impossible. Your body needs time to slowly move back. During the day, even if you feel very sleepy, staying awake helps build up sleepiness for night time. Long naps or sleeping late in the day can make it harder to fall asleep at night. Short rests or short naps earlier in the day are okay, but sleeping too much in the day can confuse your body clock.

Safety is about whether your body feels calm enough to rest. If your mind is full of pressure, scolding, or self-blame, your body stays alert. Night time can feel safer because there are fewer demands and no one telling you what you should be doing. That is why staying up late can feel comforting, even if it causes problems later.

Regulation is how loud or quiet your thoughts are. When your head will not stop thinking, sleep is hard. Being very tired can sometimes make thoughts quieter, which is why sleeping less can feel like it “helps” in the short term. This is not you trying to harm yourself. It is your body trying to cope.

That is why fixing sleep is not about forcing yourself to sleep earlier in one day. It is about small changes, staying awake during the day so your body can rest at night, and slowly helping your body feel safe enough to sleep again.

You are also right that moving from sleeping at 4am to sleeping at 11pm overnight is unrealistic. Bodies do not reset like switches. They adjust through small, repeated changes and consistent cues, not through force or punishment.

I want to say this clearly, because it matters that someone says it: your existence has worth even when you are behind, even when you are tired, and even when you are not performing. That worth does not need to be earned through grades, discipline, or meeting expectations. Hearing this from a counsellor may not feel the same as hearing it from parents, but for now, it still counts.

When you talk about wishing you would not wake up or wishing something would happen to you, it sounds like exhaustion and feeling trapped, not a wish to die. At the same time, those thoughts are heavy. If at any point they feel stronger or harder to manage, you can reach out to National Mindline at 1771 or chat via mindline.sg, even if it is just to talk and not to be “fixed.”

For now, it may help to pause the question “Why can’t I just do better?” and consider a gentler one: what hurts so much about trying?

You do not need to solve your life tonight. Writing this already shows that a part of you has not given up, even if another part is very tired of trying. We can take this slowly, one step at a time.

[hello_loljx]

Hello @FuYuan_Affections , thanks for the reply. really appreciate everything you said and for being understanding. I’ve read through it a few times and I think I understand more about my actions and thoughts now. Also, I find it interesting to learn about the few things that need to work together for sleep, I’ll work on it and find a way that works for me :)? About the question: “what hurts so much about trying?” I think..I don’t really have a proper answer for it, maybe it’s not doing as well as I expected to even if I tried, maybe it’s because the outcome of the effort put into trying wasn’t worth it.., or maybe it just really hurts and I’m also really tired of trying..and still knowing I’ll never being enough makes it hurt more, I don’t know.? I know I can’t be perfect and well..maybe no one’s telling me to be perfect. But, I don’t know, maybe when I do something well, I’ll increase my own expectations and compare myself to other people..even though I’m not supposed to compare and I can’t be like other people, sorry. I’m not supposed to compare others to myself because everyone’s journey is different but I can’t help but think about people’s success compared to mine. I know they worked hard and they deserve the success and outcome they worked for..but maybe if i one day do succeed i think i won’t deserve it hahaa..I don’t know. I want to try..I really do cause it’s a good thing to try..because I shouldn’t give up but..I don’t know why I don’t..well, I don’t really have anything else to say, byee..

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hello @hello_loljx,

Reading your reply, I notice how often the word “supposed to” shows up as if you are expected to already know what hurts, how to fix it, or what the right answer is. I want to be clear with you: that expectation is not real. You are not meant to have all the answers as we speak.

Even if you don’t fully understand why trying hurts, or why comparison keeps showing up, that is still okay. Not knowing does not mean you are failing. It simply means you are in the middle of something that is still unfolding.

I also want you to know this, you don’t have to figure things out before reaching out. There are people who are willing to hear you out first, without judging or correcting you, and then slowly understand how to support you better. No expectations. No pressure to explain everything properly.

The idea is not to fix you or push you forward. It is to work alongside you, at your pace, to co-create what helps you cope a little better right now. Even just being heard is already part of that process.

You don’t need to have a conclusion or a plan to stay in this conversation. If you want to keep talking, we can take it one piece at a time.

[hello_loljx]

Hi @FuYuan_Affections, I didn’t even know I had an expectation on myself like that…and I think I really needed to hear that, thank you. Also.., I would like to keep talking if possible.

[hello_loljx]

Hey @FuYuan_Affections, I don’t know why but..even though you said it’s not about fixing me, I really want to just get “fixed” and be “normal” again..I know that’s not really possible and I don’t even know what normal is..I just..maybe want to feel normal in any way.., like I want to be able to live a healthy life..? and stop being so self-conscious? about everything…I want to be like..how I used to be..I want to stop feeling like everything is such an effort, I really want to stop feeling like I’m a burden or problem..I want to stop being like this…but It feels like I’m hoping for too much and it’ll never be possible..I don’t know? I just don’t like this feeling..

[hello_loljx]

I feel so broken..I just want to be “fixed”.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hello @hello_loljx,

Reading through what you’ve shared so far feels clearer now. Having expectations for yourself is normal, about sleeping better, coping better, feeling more “normal” but it seems like you’ve been trying to work all of this out mostly on your own. There hasn’t really been someone alongside you, helping you think through things or figure out what might actually help, step by step.

When that happens, the journey can feel very lonely. The pressure to improve is there, but the support to make sense of how to do that isn’t. Over time, you have been experiencing a lot of quiet suffering and you weren’t accompanied while struggling.

As you mentioned how you used to be, that sounds like a loss that hasn’t really had room to be acknowledged. When there’s grief like this, comparison is what your mind is searching, trying to understand what changed, or what you might be missing. Unfortunately, comparing yourself to others usually ends up making things feel heavier instead of clearer.

When things hurt and the brain doesn’t know how to ease that pain, it looks for patterns and answers. It’s a sign you’re trying to cope without enough support.

Wanting comfort when things feel this hard is very human. Wanting life to feel lighter again makes sense. It points to how much you’ve been carrying, often by yourself.

If you’re open to sharing, I’m wondering whether you’ve ever had the chance to talk to a counsellor or someone outside your family about this, not just once, but over time.

You wanting to be fixed openly is having someone you can trust to help you think things through and recover alongside you. When struggles have been ongoing, having that kind of steady support can really matter.

When you are ready, have someone with you to guide you in this recovery process.

We can also keep gently thinking together about what might help you feel less alone in this, instead of expecting yourself to figure everything out on your own.

Going slowly here is okay.

[hello_loljx]

Hi @FuYuan_Affections, appreciate everything you said…Anyways., I’m open to sharing (by the way, all of these were done online), I have talked to a social worker before, in the early 2024 for about 5 months and I wasn’t supported anymore after that because I was coping well..? I told them things were going okay and the support wasn’t necessary..But that time I talked to a social worker was because I was struggling with $elf-harm, I reached out to Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) first and got resources to professional help (the social workers that supported me). I don’t really know if I was coping well then..and if I even got better..but either way, I was grateful for the help I got..I don’t think I want to reach out to them again though..? I also want to say that I did try to talk to a counsellor again in the late 2025 when the year end holidays started, the resource was provided by SOS(again..) and I did the mental health screening from the counsellor. I don’t know why but..I lied..? through the screening, I was fine according to the counsellor and the case got closed because I didn’t really want to explain myself to say I wasn’t fine. Also..I want to say that I did have a friend I talked to about my $elf-harm and $uicidal thoughts last time when it happened..but I don’t talk to that friend anymore because I got ghosted..he had his own problems and I understand it isn’t my fault or his fault he can’t talk me anymore. I don’t really know who can guide me in this recovery process..I don’t know what to say anymore..I funni :)) bye bai, thanks for reading.

[FuYuan_Affections]

@hello_loljx,

Thank you for sharing all of this so openly. I want to start by saying this clearly: the way you’ve described your past support, your hesitation, and even the parts you’re unsure about tells me a lot about what you’ve been leaning towards and what feels safe or unsafe for you right now. I’m not reading this as something to fix or judge. I’m simply noticing how willing you are to share, and that itself matters.

Reaching out to SOS before, working with a social worker for several months, and then trying again later with another counsellor, those are not small things. They are signs that you did try to seek help when things were hard. Even now, the fact that you’re talking about it here shows that a part of you still wants support, just not in a way that feels overwhelming or unsafe.

You mentioned lying during the mental health screening, and I want to pause there gently. That doesn’t read as dishonesty to me. It sounds like fear kicking in. Sometimes the intake process itself can feel very pressuring like you’re expected to explain everything clearly, justify your pain, or label yourself correctly. Wanting to avoid that, or not wanting to explain yourself again, is a very common reaction. There’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s also important to know this: counselling doesn’t mean you have to accept whatever is offered or stay with the first person you see. You’re allowed to decide what feels right for you. The process works best when there’s a sense of fit and trust between you and the person supporting you. That takes time, and sometimes it means trying more than once. Healing isn’t just about showing up, it’s about whether the space feels safe enough for you to be real.

About your friend who ghosted you, that loss matters too. Many friends genuinely care, but not everyone has the capacity or skills to walk alongside someone through a long healing process. Being dropped after sharing something that vulnerable can leave a deep mark, even if you understand it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It makes sense if that experience made you more careful about opening up again.

I also want to gently clear up something that often causes confusion. Talking to a social worker, a counsellor, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist are different experiences, with different roles and ways of helping. None of them are “better” in a general sense, it’s about what you need, and when. What matters most is that you feel able to speak honestly without judging yourself while you’re doing it. Healing usually isn’t one thing or one person; it’s a paced, whole process that moves with you, not ahead of you.

From where I’m sitting, I can feel how tired you are. But I can also see a lot of small wins that you might not be noticing yet, reaching out, reflecting, sharing honestly now, and staying in this conversation. Those count, even if they don’t feel like much.

For now, we can hold this space until you feel safe enough to talk about what felt uncomfortable before, and what kind of support might suit you better moving forward. If you’re open to it, I’m curious: with everything you’ve shared, what feels most important to attend to first right now?

There’s no rush to answer. We can take this at your pace.

[hello_loljx]

Hello @FuYuan_Affections, thanks for the reply :)! I really appreciate everything you said.

Also..honestly I want to say that..I’m open to answer most questions because of the anonymity…but, I don’t think I would ever actually talk about this in person, I can’t see myself ever talking about this so clearly in person…also, a part of me feels like I’m oversharing..I don’t know.

Anyways, to answer the question..I think my studies and physical health is what I should attend to first? I think it’s important to me..but I don’t really know..well, I do know it’s bothering me, like..how I still haven’t started studying, how I’m seriously running out of time and how great and helpful sleep is (but I’m still not sleeping early enough)..I hate thinking like that, but I can’t not think like that, I don’t know..I really am running out of time and I can’t help but regret. regretting isn’t going to help me in any way and I should just start somewhere instead of dwelling on the past but..I don’t know, I feel stuck? I don’t know..maybe because I feel like there’s so much to do..

(to add on?) I don’t know why but I think..some of the other things I shared isn’t that bad and maybe it isn’t that important as compared to my studies right now..? if i don’t really think about it, i’ll be fine..right? most likely fine..the only thing I really do think of is just my studies..so that’s what’s important right now hahha :)..the only other thing I probably think a lot about is how I’m ruining my own life and how badly I’ve been doing..it hurts thinking like that, but it’s fine, working on my studies will help with that..maybe. I don’t know. I really want to improve on my studies. I know how to start but at the same time I don’t..I don’t have anything else to say..byes, thanks for readings.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hello @hello_loljx,

Thank you for explaining this so honestly. I understand, and I won’t ask you to share more than you want to. It isn’t easy to talk this openly, especially with people you don’t know in real life. Feeling unsure about whether you’re oversharing is very common, and it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.

If studies and your physical health are what feel most important to attend to right now, then we can stay there. We can work from that point together. I can hear how urgent this feels for you, almost like everything depends on it. When pressure builds up like that, it can start to feel very extreme, as if one outcome decides everything.

I want to slow that down gently with you. Grades only matter if there is a you who is able to live, rest, think, and recover. In that sense, being able to live well comes before being able to perform well. It’s not that studies don’t matter, but they can’t exist without your health.

You mentioned regret, and that part feels important. Regret usually shows up when the mind keeps going back to the past, replaying what didn’t happen or what we wish we had done differently. That often means something in the present feels painful or unhappy. If things felt okay right now, the regret probably wouldn’t be this loud. So I’m wondering, very gently, what feels most heavy for you in the present moment.

It also sounds like the fear of not doing well in exams is very real. That fear creates stress, the stress affects your body, and then sleep gets disrupted. Once sleep is affected, everything else becomes harder; focusing, starting, even feeling hopeful. That loop isn’t something you’re choosing. It’s something that happens when the mind is under a lot of pressure.

When you say you’re “ruining your own life,” I don’t hear someone who doesn’t care. I hear someone who is stuck ruminating, where doing badly in studies starts to feel like doing badly at life as a whole. That’s a very painful place to be, especially when time feels like it’s running out.

We can keep this slower and simpler. We can talk about studies and health without turning them into a judgement of who you are or what your life will be. If you feel like answering, take your time with this: when you think about studying right now, what feels the most stuck, getting started, staying focused, or the fear of what the results might mean?

There’s no rush. We can go at your pace.

[hello_loljx]

Hey @FuYuan_Affections, thank you for the caring and understanding words. and I would like to apologise for the delayed reply..

I don’t why but..sometimes I still feel like “performing well” is more important than my health..I don’t even “perform well”, so i don’t really know what I’m saying..it just doesn’t feel like i would ever actually prioritise my health (living well) or anything related to me being “healthy” before actually being able to perform well, it’s like I don’t want to care about my health..?

I know I’m not supposed to keep going back to the past or keep saying/thinking what I should have done, because you can’t really change what you did and thinking too much about it is like being negative..and I should maybe just move on and just start now or like try to think positively..? Well..I don’t know, I wished I had studied during the holidays..I wished I had stopped being so lazy and just start covering/ going through any part of the work i missed or neeed help with..I wished that maybe if time didn’t go by so fast, I would have done something but who knows, I still would have wasted the time..I had more than 2 months and I wasted it away..it could have been used for so much and I wasted it..all gone and I won’t get that time back…I feel insane sometimes,..thinking like this feels insane sometimes..because I shouldn’t.and thinking about like that really isn’t going to change anything…

Anywayss.., about studying..I think I fear of what the results might mean. Because I feel like I actually like studying..? learning things and applying what I learnt on questions, exploring concepts and understanding information..feels good in a way? it’s like I’m actually doing something for once and I accomplished something maybee..Howeverrs, like on the other hand, the results will determine if I worked hard enough or like what type of student I am in school. the results will assessed..? i don’t like that…but i kinda know that..the results are like a way to show understanding and effort put into a thing for those results..and apparently how much effort you put into it is usually supposed to be shown in your results, so “work hard(in a way)” = “do well”. and maybe “do well” = “happiness and satisfaction” i don’t know lol. Wanna say that, staying focused may be hard sometimes and I may be stuck there sometimes, depending on my sleep? and maybe how I’m feeling mentally too lol. Starting on something is hard, like thinking about all the things I need to do or want to do makes me feel stuck..but being consistent is harder so, I’m stuck in that too maybe?..I don’t know, i know I sidetracked a lot though haaha., sorry. I don’t really have anything else to say now so, bye byes :)).

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hello @hello_loljx,

Thank you for being this honest. When I read what you wrote, it didn’t feel confusing or contradictory. It felt like something that has been shaped over a long time.

For many people, especially growing up, the message is very clear even if it’s never said out loud: you perform well, you’re recognised; you don’t, you lose opportunities or get criticised. Family, school, and even peers can all reinforce this without meaning to. So it makes sense that performing well feels more important than health to you. That idea didn’t come from nowhere, and it isn’t a personal flaw.

It might be worth pausing on this, just gently: when you think about performing well, who does it feel like you’re doing it for? Whose opinion feels the most important, or the most frightening to disappoint? Sometimes that question explains why the pressure feels so heavy.

I also notice how quickly you turn the fear of poor results into blame towards yourself. Calling yourself lazy, replaying how you “wasted” time, telling yourself you should have done better on the surface, that can look like taking responsibility. But it sounds more like harsh self-criticism than something that actually helps you move forward. Encouragement is very different from punishment, even if they’re both framed as “motivation.”

The way you link your worth to results also doesn’t feel random. It sounds learned. When validation mainly comes through success, it’s easy to believe that without results, there isn’t much value left. Living under that rule for a long time can make anyone feel stuck and exhausted.

What stood out to me is that you don’t dislike studying itself. You actually enjoy learning, understanding things, applying ideas, feeling that sense of having done something meaningful. What you’re afraid of is what the results might say about you. That’s an important difference.

Results are only one part of the picture. The process matters too, the steps you take, what you try, where you get stuck, what you learn along the way. When everything is judged only by outcomes, the process disappears, and setbacks start to feel like proof that you are the problem, instead of information you can work with.

So I want to leave you with something to think about, not as a challenge, just a question to sit with: how did it become decided that performing well must always come before feeling well? And has that rule actually helped you?

I don’t hear someone who doesn’t care. I hear someone who has been measuring themselves by outcomes for a very long time, and is very tired. We don’t need to change this belief today. Just recognising that it was learned and that it isn’t the same as who you are, is already something.

[hello_loljx]

Hello @FuYuan_Affections, thank you for being understanding and explaining..really appreciate it!

I feel like I’m performing well for my family or like specifically for my mum..? I don’t really know though…I get told to do well for my own future and stuff like how well other people are doing compared to me..? i also sometimes hear stuff like “why did I turn out like this instead of like how they want me to be” or like what I’m “supposed” to be doing because just another person(they know or someone told them) is doing it, so like..I want to do well for my family? so that maybe I’ll be something, instead of always being compared to people..? and like I’ll have something that I accomplished or to be proud of..I don’t know, maybe I’m just performing well for myself or for the people watching that I may not even know..because I can’t control what people say or think of me..

Just wondering, is my self-criticism really bad? I find it hard to stop thinking like that..

I don’t really know how it became decided..it just happened..slowly maybe?..I don’t know..but performing well just feels more important in a way because..i don’t know?..maybe because my feelings don’t really matter and people usually don’t see or don’t care about my feelings..? I know that’s probably not true. But wanting to do well is not that bad hahaa…That rule probably never really helped me though…I don’t remember anything that really relates to it, maybe cause when it does help or some..I’m too tired to remember? or it really just never helped and only made things worse..I’m not sure. Thanks for reading :))! bye baii, I don’t really have anything else to say..

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hello @hello_loljx,

Thank you for trusting me with this. You don’t need to explain or justify what you’ve shared. What you’ve already written is enough, and it helps me understand you better.

I notice how often you say “I don’t know” or “I don’t really know.” That doesn’t sound like avoidance to me. It sounds like someone who has lived with a lot of doubt for a long time, without much guidance or reassurance along the way. When there isn’t a steady sense of being guided or supported, uncertainty can start to feel overwhelming, and it becomes hard to trust your own sense of things.

What you shared about wanting to do well for your family so that you can “be something,” so that comparisons might stop really matters. It suggests growing up in an environment where being valued was closely tied to performance. In that kind of space, it’s very easy to learn that doing well is how you earn approval, pride, or even peace. That’s not something you chose consciously. It’s something you adapted to.

So when you ask, “Is my self-criticism really bad?” I don’t hear someone being harsh for no reason. I hear someone who has been struggling and confused, without clear guidance on how to handle doubt or fear. When no one helps you sit with uncertainty, self-criticism can become a way to manage that doubt; to push yourself, to stay alert, to try not to fail. It makes sense that this became your main way of coping.

The issue isn’t that you’re self-critical. It’s that you’ve had to rely on it for too long. Carrying doubt, pressure, comparison, and self-blame all at once is deeply tiring. Anyone in your place would feel worn down by that.

I also want to say this gently: wanting to do well is not wrong. Wanting to feel proud of yourself, or to have something that feels like an achievement, is very human. What’s been painful is that doing well started to feel like the only way to have worth, instead of just one part of a much bigger picture.

Alongside all of this, I can feel how tired you are. Not just tired from studying or sleeping late, but tired from doubting yourself for so long, tired from carrying pressure, tired from trying to make sense of everything on your own. That kind of tiredness runs deep.

Right now, whether it’s about your self-criticism, performing for your parents, or not knowing the “right” way forward, it’s okay to not know. It’s okay to pause.

The way you’ve been thinking and coping didn’t come from nowhere. It helped you survive in an environment where you felt watched, compared, and expected to be something. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you adapted. And adapting for a long time without rest can leave anyone exhausted.

For this moment, you can just be here, exactly as you are, even if you don’t have anything else to say. I can still sense your presence through your writing. That is already enough.

If it helps, you can think of this space as somewhere you don’t have to push yourself. You’re allowed to slow down. You’re allowed to breathe. You’re allowed to rest from judging yourself, even briefly.

We can take this gently, one step at a time. There’s no rush, and you’re not doing anything wrong by feeling this way.

[hello_loljx]

Hey @FuYuan_Affections, thank you so much for the kind and understanding words..I think I really needed to hear all that, it’s really informative? and clear…I’m also really grateful for the support and for your kind words :D..

I just want to know maybe..

How do I start trusting my own sense of things again…?

How do I unlearn what I adapted to..after so long, is it still possible? I really don’t want to be like this anymore..

I don’t want to be so tired..I sometimes feel like I’m not allowed to…

I can pause briefly and maybe stop judging myself for a while and pause for a moment..but it hurts sometimes when it comes back again..or when something happens (like when I get scolded)…

I have nothing else to really say…? byee bai :))

[FuYuan_Affections]

Reading this again, what stands out is how much effort you’re already using just to keep yourself going. Even pausing the self-judging for a short while takes energy. So yes, it makes sense that you feel exhausted.

Trusting your own sense usually doesn’t begin with confidence. It often begins with how you treat yourself when things don’t go the way you hoped. When you fall short or make a mistake, can there be a way to attend to yourself without piling on shame or guilt? If every setback turns into self-blame, your system learns that listening to yourself isn’t safe. Trust starts to rebuild when you practise responding with less punishment and more care.

About unlearning what you adapted to, it may help to think of this less as “unlearning” and more as learning new ways of experiencing things. Especially learning how to land more safely when something goes wrong. That might mean having support around you, or slowly learning how to offer yourself another chance instead of giving up on yourself. When you know there is support, your body doesn’t have to stay on alert all the time.

And yes, being on guard for so long is tiring. Part of learning is also learning when to rest. Taking a break isn’t a failure. It’s a response to being worn down.

You also mentioned how much it hurts when things come back again, especially when you’re scolded. You can’t control what others say, but over time, you can work on reducing how deeply it cuts. That often starts with noticing disappointment or shame when it shows up and reminding yourself that it’s still okay to try again.

You don’t have to figure all of this out now. Even noticing, “this is the tired part of me again,” is already a step toward trusting yourself.

We can leave it here for now.

[hello_loljx]

Hey @FuYuan_Affections, thank youu really appreciate everything you said. I better understand more things now and I’ll keep in mind the things you mentioned…thanks really, your words mean a lot!