Problems in my home and problems with my mom

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1

I have a mom, who recently quit her job to help me study for o-levels.
She makes me study long hours and that’s how I often feel burn out and unmotivated to study. I can’t focus and gain knowledge. It feels like my brain is locked and perhaps reached its maximum file capacity.
She often thinks I rest “too much” which means when I take breaks that are usually within 15 min to 1 hour. Meanwhile my study time can last a maximum of 4 hours, that particular period usually at night being from around 7 to 10.00. Otherwise its a minimum of 2 hours at most.
She has frequent mood swings and sometimes insults my dad (to provide context, my mom actually grew up in a city, while my dad grew up in a village, we aren’t Singaporeans)
As coincidental this may sound to me, her sister, my aunt, has almost the exact same traits as her but worse because my aunt is way more impulsive and she frequently quarrels with my mom. It makes me wonder if she has undiagnosed mental health issues that were passed down from her side of the family because I sometimes started seeing her traits in me but I tell myself not to think like no matter how likely it seems.
She has called me useless before, threatened to k!ll herself if I went to ITE (she even specified she wanted to jump off our HDB flat)
To her, mental health means you are all smiles on the outside and that’s that

As much as I try to understand my mom, it’s hard to be with her under the same roof. Worse case scenario is when my dad has to side with her but that I understand because he’s still her husband and has to support her against me.
Because of all these issues in my home, studying has become difficult, I preferred being away from both my parents, and I even considered running away, join an orphanage, or worse, just end my life.

I don’t know how to ask for help. I can’t contact any mental health agencies as my parents would think its a waste of money. I really just don’t know how to explain this part, I just know my parents would react very negatively. I can’t open up to them. I also can’t open up to teachers/counsellors in school because they would contact my parents and my parents would dismiss it as “nonsense”. I also cannot go for therapy because, again, money.

What should I do.

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Hey @undying_sun. Thank you for sharing this so honestly. I can’t imagine how difficult it must’ve been to put all of that into words, especially when you’re carrying so much on your own. It really sounds like you’re trying your very best to survive and stay afloat in an environment that feels emotionally unsafe and overwhelming. It’s not easy at all.

And it makes so much sense that you’re feeling burnt out. Studying under pressure is already tough, but doing it while dealing with emotional distress at home? That’s a whole other weight. You’re not weak or lazy, okay? It’s just that your nervous system is tired from holding on so much.

Since your environment might not change anytime soon, maybe we can try making things feel just a bit more manageable for you. These might not fix everything, but they could offer some space for you to breathe, and just be.

  • :alarm_clock: Pomodoro method: Studying is like eating. You don’t eat everything at one go, right? You have breakfast, lunch and dinner, and maybe snacks in between. The same approach can go into your studying. Try doing 25 minutes of focused study, followed by a 5-minute break. After a few rounds, take a longer break. It can help you rest without guilt. You’d be surprised by how much knowledge you’ve retained.
  • :headphone: Use your breaks to emotionally rest: Put on a comfort video, doodle, stretch, grounding techniques, take a walk or listen to your favourite song.
  • :notebook: Have a “thoughts/feelings dump” space: When things feel too much, write it down. It’s not necessarily for anyone else to read, just for you to let it out.

And about your mum, I just want to say it clearly: it’s not your fault. I know you’ve been trying to understand her, but the way she’s treating you isn’t okay. Threatening you or invalidating your mental health isn’t love, even if she believes she means well. It’s okay to feel angry, hurt, and conflicted all at once.

You’ve also done something incredibly brave already: you’ve reached out and named what’s happening. That shows strength. And that tells me that somewhere deep inside, a part of you still believes life can feel better. That matters, and you matter.

And if things ever feel like they’re getting too heavy to carry alone, please know that there are 24/7 helplines where trained professionals are ready to support you, anonymous and judgement-free. One of it is the SOS 24-hour Hotline: 1767 and the National Mindline: 1711.

You’re not “too much.” You’re just someone who’s been given too much to deal with, and you’re trying to survive the only way you know how.

One thing at a time, okay? :sunflower:

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hi @undying_sun ,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you have been experiencing at home. That way of studying is not right, as most people can maintain focus only ~20 minutes at a time. If you find yourself not understanding what you are reading, then it is time for you to take a break (Pomodoro method is great for that purpose).

I think the issue you are facing is quite complicated. You cannot tell your mom to leave you to study on your own because she had quit her job to help you study, but she might be distracting you by being in your vicinity. I would really encourage you to explain to your mom that you need to study without distractions, and share your study plan with her. If you decide to stick to the Pomodoro method, consider leaving your phone outside your room for those 25 minutes of study (or somewhere your mom can see it), and only use your phone during those 5 minutes of rest time.

As for your mental health, try to go out for a walk or a short run every evening. This can help to improve mood and calm the mind. You can also make use of the free resources suggested by @ScribblingSunflower.

A word of caution: I do not recommend taking long breaks like 15 minutes to 1 hour, as the longer your break is, the harder it is to go back into studying again.
I wish you all the best in your O levels! :slight_smile:

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Hey @undying_sun,

you’ve been holding a lot. your mom quitting her job, tracking your study hours, saying your breaks are “too much” even when they’re just 15 minutes… that’s not just pressure, that’s fear sitting in your body. and when she says things like calling you useless, or threatening to jump if you go to ITE… it’s more than stress. it shapes how you rest, how you focus, how you even let yourself breathe.

even in all that, you’re still trying to make sense of it … noticing patterns between your mom, your dad, your aunt. trying to figure out if it’s something that gets passed down. that shows a kind of awareness most people don’t even get to. especially not when they’re this tired.

but just checking… does it feel the same with your dad? you said he sides with her, and maybe that makes sense to you on one level… but on another, maybe it also stings. so maybe the first step isn’t solving the pressure from her… but easing the pressure inside you… that relentless voice telling you to keep going or else.

you noticed the school counsellor thing. you already know it’s a possible way out… even if your parents might react badly. but imagine that maybe talking here first is like writing in to your school counsellors for guidance.., not going through yet, just… letting them know how you truly feel… you reckon if this would be something real quick to get support for?

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Hey @undying_sun I can tell you’re going through a lot of stress right now. Perhaps you’re blaming yourself for not being able to study for long hours like your mom wants. Compounded with the quarrels at home making it difficult to study, and the suicidal thoughts your mom mentioned contingent on your results, you must have been carrying a lot all by yourself.

You feel the impulse to just run away from it all, and understandably so, given the amount of stress you’re going through. You’re not lazy or weak for wanting to escape; your mind and body is overloaded by all the pressures placed on you. And that’s okay, you need not blame yourself for that.

As for ways you can manage for the meantime given that your O-Levels are approaching, I second the recommendations that @ScribblingSunflower and @Rotovap have suggested. Taking scheduled breaks after periods of studying, doing things that you enjoy during those breaks, as well as writing out your frustrations to let go all that weight are all effective ways to deal with the situations as of now.

I understand that you can’t find any source of professional help, as either your parents will be notified about it or you don’t have the money to do so. However there are avenues of professional support available, if you’re open to them:

  1. CHAT offers free mental health assessments for youths aged 16-30, it’s worth giving it a shot if you’re worried about having an underlying condition and are seeking professional treatment as soon as possible. You can book an appointment with them at this website: https://www.imh.com.sg/CHAT/Get-Help/Pages/default.aspx
  2. CREST-Youth also provides screening for mental health symptoms and support channels for youths, you can check out this website and email them to book an appointment: SupportGoWhere

I just want to affirm you for persevering through all the challenges so far, it’s really not easy. Give yourself ample time to process your thoughts and emotions, and take things one small step at a time. You’re doing well, and know that things will get better. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey, you can always talk to us here on let’s talk or seek professional support whenever you feel distressed. Jiayou!! :heart:

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Hi @undying_sun,

I’m really sorry you’re carrying all of this - it’s far too much for one person, especially someone trying to study and grow. The way your mom treats you, the pressure, the emotional volatility, and the threats - none of that is acceptable, and it’s deeply unfair that you’ve been made to feel trapped, unseen, and unsafe in your own home. You’re not useless, and your pain is not “nonsense.”

It makes complete sense that you feel overwhelmed, burnt out, and desperate for relief. You deserve support, rest, and a space where your feelings are honored - not dismissed. Even if it feels impossible right now, there are ways to find help and build safety, and we will walk with you through it.

In terms of therapy, there are actually a couple of services which are available free-of-charge. One of them is the Youth Integrated Team (YIT), which offers free mental health support to anyone aged 12 to 25 years old. You may find your nearest YIT provider through the following links:

In addition, if you require immediate mental health support, you may contact the following 24/7 helplines:

National Mindline: 1711 (Call) or +65 6669 1771 (WhatsApp)

Samaritans of Singapore: 1767 (Call) or +65 9151 1767 (WhatsApp)

I hope this helps you in making a better sense of the support that’s available around you. :blush:

Best regards,
HanSolo2000
Befriender | let’s talk by mindline

7

@FuYuan_Affections I am a little closer to my dad, because we both get the same suffering from my mom, his wife. He’s normal, and he is also aware, aware that my mom is overly sensitive and impulsive, although he never admits that she’s like her sister, my aunt. But yes, when he has to side with my mom, it is either that he agrees with her or has no choice.

Whenever I see myself being sensitive or impulsive like my mom or my aunt, I tell myself I do not want to end up like either of them. If I do get mental health support from people outside, I would give them only one condition, that they should not tell my parents about it. My biggest worry is that all these issues would affect my studies, and I won’t be to do well. They (my parents) always tell me it always depends on the student to do well in studies, because in the end the student takes the exam, not parents nor teachers, but I have doubts on what they said.

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Hey @undying_sun,

it’s clear you’ve been thoughtful in how you see this situation. you’re aware of your own feelings, the weight of your mum’s fears and anxiety, and how her sensitive and impulsive side affects the whole family. That awareness already shows you’re not just reacting; you’re also reflecting.

you’re carrying a lot, and it’s okay to give yourself self-empathy here… to acknowledge that you are someone who notices, cares, and still feels the weight of these dynamics. This isn’t about blame; it’s about recognising that you’re navigating something difficult while trying to protect yourself.

you’ve also already set an important boundary, being willing to receive help only if your parents aren’t informed. That’s a valid and important condition. It’s worth bringing that up early if you speak to a counsellor, so they understand and can work within that boundary.

since you’re aware of your priorities, especially how you want to focus on your studies, you can make counselling work for you by setting clear goals from the start. That could mean telling the counsellor exactly what you want to work on first, such as managing stress, staying focused, or finding ways to cope with pressure at home. This keeps the support in line with what matters most to you, on your terms.

no rush, just whenever you feel overwhelmed with pressure and need someone that you can trust to talk with, on your terms, you know where to look..