There have been several things that are contributing to my distress. Firstly, I have always been an odd child. I avoided eye contact, struggled with social interaction, and had many other quirks. I don’t want to specify because that would occupy most of my post, and this is not the most important issue. I have long suspected Asperger’s, and talked to my SEN officer about it. She called my mother, and informed her of my issues. She also told my mother to get me assessed for ASD. Until now, my mother hasn’t taken me to the autism centre yet. My family has always looked down on those with disabilities, and god forbid I have ASD. After all, there is a chance that I do not have ASD at all. However, I am certain that I have OCD. My OCD used to manifest as organising items repeatedly, and getting on edge when I see that said items are not organised to my liking. For example, I had to align boxes with the lines on the floor, and ensure that they meet at a 90 degree angle. Mind you, this was when I was in kindergarten. Now, my obsessions and compulsions are invisible. I engage in counting and chanting. I am obsessed with grammar and odd numbers. I live with my grandmother who sees this behaviour every day, and yet dismisses it as mere lunacy. My grandmother isn’t kind to me at all. She gaslights me, scolds me, and talks down on me every day. When she catches me slacking off, she hurls insults at me, saying that I am “useless”, “stupid”, “retarded”, etc. Mind you, this happens every day. She uses the same insults to the point where I have internalised them. My grandfather is worse. He uses physical force. I recall a particularly traumatic incident where he slapped me so hard that I hit my head against a wooden table and my nose began to bleed. He didn’t even apologise. He would restrain me, and hit me repeatedly. Recently, I spoke out of turn. He punched me twice with an extreme amount of force. There is a gigantic bruise on my right arm, but thankfully no bruise on my right thigh.
Secondly, academics. In Secondary 3, I had a lot of drive. I would constantly push myself to study hard even though I received little to no acknowledgement. Ever since the June holidays last year, I began to lose my spark. I started to turn in assignments late, and I would study last minute before an exam. I studied particularly hard for my SA2, and thankfully, received good results. However, my situation worsened when I entered secondary 4. I would constantly have late submissions, which caused me to stay up very late to complete my assignments. I have entirely lost my drive. It is currently the June holidays, which many of my peers are using to catch up on their work. However, for me, that is not the case. I am too addicted to my phone, and I hardly get any work done. I can be stuck on the same assignment for the entire day. Every night, I am hopeful and convince myself that things will eventually work out the next day. But, they never do. Every day, I am inching closer towards the O levels, and yet I am not doing anything about it. The O levels are constantly on my mind, and I constantly convince myself to study. However, I just never do. It is a continuous cycle of worry, despair, hope, etc. Throw in some scoldings and beatings from grandparents, and you have a perfect recipe for teenage depression. Now, combine teenage depression with OCD, possible Asperger’s, and whatever possible mental illness I have, and that’s a formula for suicidal thoughts. My mental health is suffering, and I need help.
It is not possible for me to consult a psychiatrist right now. I need someone to wake me up, to snap me out of this reality, and get me to study. I need someone to talk to me and offer guidance. It is difficult to achieve that within a single post alone, but that is better than nothing. I just want to know that there is someone out there who cares about me, even though I am 99% convinced that nobody would even bat an eye if I were to die in front of them right now.
It sounds like things have been really challenging for a long time and you’ve been hurting. Thank you for coming here to share with us. You’ve been facing a lot, and it’s clear that you are a resilient and thoughtful person. It’s okay to seek support and to want to be heard. Your self-awareness and insight into your situation are wonderful strengths, and it takes a lot of courage to reach out and express what you’re going through. Well done! 
Awareness is a great first step in the right direction. Not many youths are aware of it, but you are. I’m really proud of your ability to value yourself. 
