I am so freaking tired

There have been several things that are contributing to my distress. Firstly, I have always been an odd child. I avoided eye contact, struggled with social interaction, and had many other quirks. I don’t want to specify because that would occupy most of my post, and this is not the most important issue. I have long suspected Asperger’s, and talked to my SEN officer about it. She called my mother, and informed her of my issues. She also told my mother to get me assessed for ASD. Until now, my mother hasn’t taken me to the autism centre yet. My family has always looked down on those with disabilities, and god forbid I have ASD. After all, there is a chance that I do not have ASD at all. However, I am certain that I have OCD. My OCD used to manifest as organising items repeatedly, and getting on edge when I see that said items are not organised to my liking. For example, I had to align boxes with the lines on the floor, and ensure that they meet at a 90 degree angle. Mind you, this was when I was in kindergarten. Now, my obsessions and compulsions are invisible. I engage in counting and chanting. I am obsessed with grammar and odd numbers. I live with my grandmother who sees this behaviour every day, and yet dismisses it as mere lunacy. My grandmother isn’t kind to me at all. She gaslights me, scolds me, and talks down on me every day. When she catches me slacking off, she hurls insults at me, saying that I am “useless”, “stupid”, “retarded”, etc. Mind you, this happens every day. She uses the same insults to the point where I have internalised them. My grandfather is worse. He uses physical force. I recall a particularly traumatic incident where he slapped me so hard that I hit my head against a wooden table and my nose began to bleed. He didn’t even apologise. He would restrain me, and hit me repeatedly. Recently, I spoke out of turn. He punched me twice with an extreme amount of force. There is a gigantic bruise on my right arm, but thankfully no bruise on my right thigh.

Secondly, academics. In Secondary 3, I had a lot of drive. I would constantly push myself to study hard even though I received little to no acknowledgement. Ever since the June holidays last year, I began to lose my spark. I started to turn in assignments late, and I would study last minute before an exam. I studied particularly hard for my SA2, and thankfully, received good results. However, my situation worsened when I entered secondary 4. I would constantly have late submissions, which caused me to stay up very late to complete my assignments. I have entirely lost my drive. It is currently the June holidays, which many of my peers are using to catch up on their work. However, for me, that is not the case. I am too addicted to my phone, and I hardly get any work done. I can be stuck on the same assignment for the entire day. Every night, I am hopeful and convince myself that things will eventually work out the next day. But, they never do. Every day, I am inching closer towards the O levels, and yet I am not doing anything about it. The O levels are constantly on my mind, and I constantly convince myself to study. However, I just never do. It is a continuous cycle of worry, despair, hope, etc. Throw in some scoldings and beatings from grandparents, and you have a perfect recipe for teenage depression. Now, combine teenage depression with OCD, possible Asperger’s, and whatever possible mental illness I have, and that’s a formula for suicidal thoughts. My mental health is suffering, and I need help.

It is not possible for me to consult a psychiatrist right now. I need someone to wake me up, to snap me out of this reality, and get me to study. I need someone to talk to me and offer guidance. It is difficult to achieve that within a single post alone, but that is better than nothing. I just want to know that there is someone out there who cares about me, even though I am 99% convinced that nobody would even bat an eye if I were to die in front of them right now.

This equally strange uncle somewhere out there cares about you. So don’t be trashing yourself just to put yourself down.

Of course I do not agree to your grandparents verbal and physical abuse. But I understand that they grew up with their own parents and grandparents from a much harsher environment. I can’t imagine growing up in an environment that food is scarce, education is only for the privileged.

There has never been any guide book on how to be a parent or grandparent. It helps if we can forgive them for not being a perfect one. We will probably screw up just as badly in our own ways when we become one. Do a Google search. I think parents in Singapore are the most sleep deprived. That’s how tough it is for them.

But never mind about that. What’s important here right now is you.
I find it comforting to read about why it has to be 90 degrees. I need everything straight line and square (if not transparent then white). I find it visually smoothing and join my friends in making fun of how crazy I am.

You seem to be a very smart kid and are capable of doing very well in life. It is lack of support and people expressing love, support and acknowledgement that makes you lose your motivation in what you do in life. I didn’t have those also. Trust that you don’t need anyone to have a great life.

You may not be aware that a plumber in your generation will likely be doing better than a doctor. Screwing up your O level is unlikely going to be a bad thing. But letting unhappy events in life gets you down and deliberately not doing the best that you can, the only things that you can get out of it is making yourself feel lousier than you already are and limiting your own options to what you can choose next.

Asperger, OCD, the world is constantly slapping us with more and more labels. I don’t think any of those make anyone lesser. Asperger are geniuses. OCD creates an organised system out of any chaos. We are all different individuals - good in some ways and suck in others. Everyone in Singapore are so well educated but likely the first to die if stranded on a deserted island.

Things aren’t exactly what you wished for right now. Your parents and grandparents could be more loving and supportive. But they shouldn’t matter because you can either choose to make it worse or go kick some ■■■ because you are the only one who will decide what your life is going to be. No one can stop you from having a life that you love.

We are going to die one day like it or not. But before that day come, don’t cheat yourself from the life that makes us happy.

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See if ur school counsellor can help

Your response made me tear up. I really appreciate it

I consult an SEN officer, so I’ll see if she can help! Thanks for replying

Dear @Bianca,

I’m so sorry to hear of your pain. :people_hugging: It sounds like things have been really challenging for a long time and you’ve been hurting. Thank you for coming here to share with us. You’ve been facing a lot, and it’s clear that you are a resilient and thoughtful person. It’s okay to seek support and to want to be heard. Your self-awareness and insight into your situation are wonderful strengths, and it takes a lot of courage to reach out and express what you’re going through. Well done! :clap:t4: :clap:t4:

The way you’ve described your experiences shows how deeply you care about understanding yourself and seeking help despite the challenges. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge the weight of what you’re dealing with. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. I’m glad you recognise that you need more support. Well done. :+1:t4: Awareness is a great first step in the right direction. Not many youths are aware of it, but you are. I’m really proud of your ability to value yourself. :star2:

The way you’re treated by your grandparents is not a reflection of your worth. Often, people who hurt others are themselves hurting. This is sometimes referred to as “hurt people, hurt people.” It’s possible that the harsh treatment you’re receiving is a result of transgenerational trauma—pain and patterns of behaviour passed down through generations.

This isn’t about you as a person but rather about unresolved issues that they might be carrying. Despite the challenges, it’s possible to break the cycle of hurt by learning life skills like emotional regulation, communication, and conflict resolution. You have the power to seek out positive influences and support systems that can help you heal and grow. Your desire to be heard is valid, and there are people and resources available to support you. :grinning:

Reaching out to a school counsellor can be a helpful step. Counsellors are there to listen, to help you feel understood, and to support you through these tough times. Additionally, there are online support communities and resources where you can find understanding and advice. Here are some suggestions for your consideration:

  • CHAT - Provides free, personalised and confidential mental health checks* and/or referrals to professionals, if necessary, for youth aged 16-30.
    Call: 64936500/ 64936501 Email: chat@mentalhealth.sg
    Operating hours: Tue – Sat, 12pm – 9pm, Closed on Mon, Sun and Public Holidays
    *This is not a counselling session. It is a chat to understand your mental health concerns and recommend suitable professional help.

  • SOS: For crises. Provides 24 hour CareText, a text-based service that provides emotional support for those in distress (WhatsApp 9151 1767). They also provide CareMail, an alternative avenue of emotional support for those who prefer to write in via email (pat@sos.org.sg) or call them at 1-767

  • eC2 by Fei Yue Community Services: Provides Quick Chat, a one-to-one mental health screening via online chat for youths aged 12 - 25yo to talk about their mental health or emotional concerns. Operating hours: Mon, Thurs, Fri, 10am - 12pm, 2pm - 5pm (excluding PH).

  • webCHAT​: Provides text-based, in-the-moment support for young people aged 16 - 30 years old residing in Singapore who would like to gain clarity of their situations.
  • TOUCHline: 1800 377 2252 - For youth who wish to speak to trained counsellors on any topic, including cyber wellness. Mon - Fri: 9am - 6pm

  • National Anti-Violence & Sexual Harassment Helpline (NAVH) - 1800-777-0000

  • For the full resourse list, please click here

You may also want to consider getting involved in youth organisations like the Brahm Centre’s Youth Care. Volunteering can provide a sense of community and connection, allowing you to meet others who may share similar experiences and offer mutual support.

If you’d like to may I invite you to take a moment to reflect on why the O-levels are on your mind. Are you striving to meet family expectations, or are you pursuing personal goals and future possibilities? While family pressure can be intense, I hope you’ll choose to focus on your own growth and aspirations. It’s okay to be different from your family and to carve out your own path. Even without a formal diagnosis, you can explore strategies that help neuro-diverse brains. Techniques such as structured routines, mindfulness, and breaking tasks into smaller steps can be very beneficial. Experiment with different approaches to find what works best for you.

You are not alone in this journey. There are people who care about you and want to support you. Keep reaching out and sharing your experiences. You’re always welcome to share more with us. :grinning: You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. It’s okay to ask for help, and there are resources and communities out there ready to offer the support you need.

In this moment things might feel like they are impossible, I hope you’ll remember your many strengths and lean a little more into your resilience as well to support you through this challenging time. Brighter days ahead are possible. :smiley:

I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter! :grinning:

Take care,
CoolBreeze =)

uncle!!! your replies are so solid, i really enjoy reading them. The depth of wisdom is impeccable :stuck_out_tongue: