Hi there! Just wanted to confide in somebody who would be willing to lend a listening ear.
Recently, I have been getting that my kindness is being taken advantage off by my family members regardless of how close they are.
My family consists of my parents, my grandma and my sister. I am the elder of two, and my sister is differently abled. Actually, living in this family setup didn’t seem much of a problem till recently.
When we went overseas for a month to visit my grandparents, I had to help out with the chores there as they live alone, so the least I could do was to assist in some of the chores when I visit them. We went to “places of leisure” there but I couldn’t actually enjoy because I always had to be on standby. It must be noted that I had to battle with a lack of sleep the whole of the vacation.
My grandparents advised me to help my parents with looking after my sister especially since she’s now in her teens causing her to have more behavioural problems than ever. My grandmother who lives with us, has become rather sedentary because of her addiction to her devices. So, she’s depending on someone for satisfying even the most essential needs such as getting her a cup of water from the kitchen. Though she often does this when I’m about to make a trip to the kitchen, it is rather annoying to be instructed to do something whenever, I have something planned. Moreover, she’s also snacking more than ever, even in the nights. This affects my sleep as I share the room with my grandmother.
Just felt that I couldn’t keep these problems to myself anymore.
Thanks for reading!
Hi @lovelychange,
Thank you for sharing about your struggles so authentically.
What you’re going through right now must incredibly overwhelming. It’s understandable that you’re feeling taken advantage of, especially when you’re already juggling so much.
Can you tell me more about how these situations make you feel? Is there a particular instance that stands out in your mind?
It’s also important to remember that it’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs. I’d like to acknowledge the toll that this situation is taking on your well-being. It’s totally valid to preserve your emotional bandwith, especially in difficult situations like these.
May I also ask if you have tried communicating your feelings to your family? And if so, what was their response like?
I’m more than happy to hear you out. 
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Thanks for taking time to reply @HanSolo2000 . It means a lot to me.
Well, recent times I feel extremely overwhelmed, frustrated, confused and “betrayed”. Here’s why I feel that way:
- Trust - I trusted them so much that whatever they are doing will help me in the long run. I thought it was just a way for me to learn how to be independent and manage myself in the long run. Now I feel that it seems like more than that.
- Misdirected - I would say that my parents are rather “confused parents”. Actually, there are a lot of events which happened in their lives which led up to this. They have always been on the situation where they have to consider their parents, siblings and relatives opinions when it comes to parenting me and my sister. These people not always know what’s going on in our family, so they get an incomplete picture of the situation at home.As they say, too many cooks spoil the broth, you see.
I understand that it takes a village to raise a child, so one can’t actually close doors to suggestions from others. However, I recently doubt my parents’ ability to discern between serious suggestions and fake “displays of concern”.
I also feel extremely tired from having to attend to their needs almost all the time but not meeting any of my needs effectively.
I would say nothing in particular since most day-to-day scenes themself have an impact on this impression that I have come to develop.
I have communicated and am taking the effort to communicate my concerns constantly despite some family “drama” that occur every now and then.I say no more frequently and more firmly ( especially since they have a tendency to guilt trip me). I hope this can actually help them learn about my need for space in the long run.
Thanks once again for the concern!
It sounds like you’re carrying a heavy emotional burden, and I can understand why you would feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and betrayed in such a situation. Trusting that someone has your best interests at heart, especially your parents, can make it all the more painful when things feel misdirected or out of control.
The sense of feeling pulled between expectations, not just from your parents but also from other relatives, can be exhausting. It must be incredibly frustrating to feel like too many voices are influencing decisions that directly impact your life, especially when those voices don’t fully understand the whole picture. And it makes sense that you would start to question your parents’ ability to discern what is truly helpful versus what might be misguided.
On top of all of that, the imbalance of constantly meeting their needs without your own being met sounds exhausting. It’s okay to acknowledge your own needs and prioritize your well-being too. You deserve to feel supported, not drained. It’s not selfish to want space for yourself in the midst of all of these challenges. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to seek a balance that works for you.
I am wondering if there are any strategies that might help you feel grounded or supported when things feel this overwhelming?
Actually, that’s what I’ve exhausted over the years. I had a different coping mechanisms at each of the different phases of facing this problem. They varied from going for walks, to visiting the library every now and then. However, no matter how far I walk and how long I stay in the library, I just cannot get the same amount of relief.
Hi, lovelychange,
It’s alright to pour out your emotional problems once in awhile when you feel overwhelmed, and I am glad that you have selected mindline.sg. as the platform to do so.
It must be irritating for you to try to accommodate all the requests from your family members during the month-long holiday. Not only did you have to carry out different chores, you were expected to be on stand-by to help during your visits to the places of leisures. What made it worse was not able to have good night’s sleep due to disturbances in the night. In addition, I presume that no one expressed any word of appreciation for all your sacrifices made during the trip. All these upset you.
Everyone expects their holidays to be enjoyable and so did you. Thus, it is perfectly normal for you to feel frustrated due to all the “unfinished” requests, lost opportunities to enjoy the places of interest wholeheartedly, and most importantly, no good sleeps.
In your sharing, I can see that you are indeed very kind, caring, considerate, reliable and responsible towards your family. I am certain that your family members know too.
Yes, I agree with you that you shouldn’t keep the problems to yourself. Confiding in someone (either online or in-person) is one way to release the tension in you. However, you may also want to consider sharing your frustrations with your family when you could find the opportunity. I have a hunch that they might not realise that they were expecting too much from you, as you have not expressed your thoughts/feelings to them before. Setting some simple boundaries might be helpful to ensure that both your needs and theirs could be met.
Feel free to drop in to confide your feelings whenever you see the need to do so.
Take care and have a good day.
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It can definitely be frustrating when coping mechanisms that used to work so well no longer provide the same level of relief. It sounds like you’ve tried various approaches to manage the challenges you’re facing, and I commend you for your efforts.
Remember, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed or frustrated. It’s a sign that you’re acknowledging the depth of your emotions and seeking ways to cope. Sometimes, what worked in the past may not be as effective in the present. It’s important to be patient with yourself and explore new strategies that might better address your current needs.
Would you like to discuss some other coping mechanisms that might be helpful? Perhaps exploring new activities or seeking support from others could provide additional relief.
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Actually, I’m looking into various methods of coping too. In the meantime, I just felt the emotional burden was getting rather unbearable. So, I just wanted to let out my frustration regarding this matter in a trusted self care network. Thanks for taking time to lend an ear for me to lament about my plight. It’s the concern that matters to me more rather than a solution to this problem. This really means a lot to me! Thank You once again!
Hello @lovelychange 
! Thank you for sharing your story with us 
You seem to be dealing with a lot at the moment, so I appreciate you sharing all of this. You’ve been giving your family so much of your time and energy, so it’s reasonable to feel exhausted when it doesn’t seem balanced or appreciated. It’s particularly difficult when you feel that you’re the one who has to be dependable and accessible all the time. It is naturally difficult to feel responsible for taking care of your sister, assisting with housework, and being there for your grandmother while still not getting enough sleep.
Setting boundaries is acceptable, especially in familial relationships. Given that you seem to be overburdened, are there any little ways you might find extra time or energy for yourself, even if it’s only a little bit at a time? Perhaps beginning with a simple routine to establish some personal space, or even scheduling a little period of time each day for yourself, even if it’s just to do something you like. Additionally, talking to your family about how their expectations impact you may lead to a discussion about how they may lighten the weight.
Take things one step at a time and rest when needed. You’re not alone and there are methods to balance things out. You deserve every understanding and support 
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Actually, I have revived my past hobby of reading books on my way to school. Actually, I’m proud of myself for having completed one whole book, by doing so. Celebrating small successes you see…
While my family knows that I feel stressed they cannot really offer any practical suggestions. I used to go for dance lessons. But now that has become rather difficult. they keep on reinstating that I should take them up again, but practically this is rather inconvenient at the current point of time. While I am anticipating taking up dance lessons, it seems rather impossible in the near future.
I have discussed with them at numerous instances. They say that I have to learn to “live with these problems” rather than complaining. So, I kinda lost hope discussing these problems. However, I am in the process of making them realise my difficulties. Here’s how. I used to study at the library after school. But I guess they have become rather complacent as they used to create some drama over how it was not actually required for me to go to the library to study. But now, ever since I started going to uni, I changed my approach to studying from home, rather than going to the library every now and then to study. The funny part is that now they are asking me why I am not going to the library as often as before.
My approach is that, if they cannot realise by themselves, I have to make them understand at least now.
I guess this attempt is starting to bear fruit, in that whenever, someone tries to dramatise the situation as I start to lament, they sort themselves out by reinstating the facts. 
To add on, they tend to “substitute” the lack of resources with something else. For example, if I were to be complaining about having a lack of a conducive environment for study, they would try to compensate it by saying about how I am able to get numerous dresses every time we go overseas. Like hello, they are not even substitutes, they are actually two different entities. Maybe I should try substituting my poor grades for the favours I have carried out. 
Well, that was just a postulation.
Thanks for the support everyone! I just want to reassure that I am taking initiatives step-by-step to solve this problem. I again thank all of you for offering support with this matter.