I felt I’ve been used by my ex-wife recently. This time, she had a fight with her parents and she volunteered herself to stay at my/her house. Now, they are better, she just leave the house without saying anything. Only did i know, she cried yesterday when we were about to go out while calling her mum. I never felt being used as much as she did. I helped her alot with handling the kids, prepared for our son’s birthday party and controlling my emotions in front of her. I don’t know what to feel right now. Angry? Sad? Or used?
Dear @Smag88
Thank you for reaching out and I’m sad you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of emotional weight right now, and I can imagine how frustrating and hurtful it must be to feel like you’re giving so much of yourself, only for it to be brushed aside without any real acknowledgment or communication from her.
I can see that you put in a lot of effort—handling the kids, organising your son’s party, and keeping your emotions in check in front of her—and it seems like she hasn’t shown the same level of care or consideration for you in return. Her leaving without a word and the way she was crying but didn’t open up to you makes it feel like there’s some emotional disconnection, which is understandably hard to process.
I think it’s normal to feel a mix of anger, sadness, and possibly even confusion in a situation like this. It’s okay to feel upset, because you’re human, and your needs and emotions matter too. You’re not just a backup for when things go wrong in her life; you’re someone who deserves respect and clarity, especially when you’re putting effort into being there for her and the kids.
You’re carrying so much, and it sounds draining to feel like you’re giving so much of yourself without receiving the care or acknowledgment you deserve in return. It’s a tough spot to be in, especially when you’re trying to hold things together for everyone, yet it feels like you’re being overlooked.
Setting boundaries could be really helpful for you here. You’ve been putting yourself last, and that’s been hard on you, so here are a few ideas that might help you regain some balance:
- Communicate Your Needs: It’s important to let her know how you’re feeling, especially if it’s been building up. Express that while you want to be supportive, you need some emotional reciprocity. You don’t need to do this in a way that feels like an attack, but rather as a way of saying, “I need to feel seen and heard too.”
- Set Time for Yourself: When you’re constantly giving, it can be easy to lose sight of your own needs. Setting boundaries around time—whether it’s for personal hobbies, resting, or simply having space for your own thoughts—can be powerful in preventing burnout. This could also apply to emotional boundaries, where you let her know when you need her to share more or when you’re feeling drained and need a break.
- Avoid Assuming: It sounds like you’re guessing a lot of what’s going on with her, and that can be frustrating. If you’re able, asking her directly, “I’m feeling confused by some things happening between us. Can we talk about it?” can give you more clarity and allow you to understand her perspective, too.
- Give Yourself Permission to Prioritise Your Needs: This one can be hard, but you deserve to prioritise your feelings. If you need to take a step back emotionally or physically to protect yourself, that’s okay. You’re not being selfish—you’re protecting your own mental and emotional health.
- Take a Moment to Reflect: Sometimes, we need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Is this a pattern that’s been going on for a while? What do you want to feel in this relationship—what would it look like for you to feel more balanced, respected, and appreciated?
The goal is to take care of yourself while still being there for her and the kids. It’s not about distancing yourself, but more about finding a way to have your needs met while being supportive of others.
Does any of that feel like something you could try? 
I encourage you to consider small steps forward.