Hello. Ive spent most of my life feeling afraid. Afraid of chasing ambition, afraid of what it takes to do so and feeling afraid of what is to come. In the last few years ive developed an annoying problem of having intense stomache issues throughout the day whenever im nervous. This can be due to exams, a new job etc. Sometimes when i stand in a queue alone, waiting for a waiter to tend to me, I just feel so nervous. One look from anybody in the restaurant and Ill most likely change my mind and head to mcdonalds just because they have the ordering machine and i dont have to wait and speak to anybody. Many times I feel like Im losing my sense of reality. Im detached from the real world and just going with the flow, constantly unable to grapple with my life. Everyday, i spend hours walking outside aimlessly, daydreaming about some fantasy where I am somebody, where I actually win and where I am happy. Other times I fantasize about being so hurt and in pain. As I hit the age of 19, I feel as though my window to succeed or to make something of myself has closed. I might get a job and live a normal life but the world wouldnt flinch if i dropped the face of the earth one day. Sometimes i feel so down that i have stupid thoughts . I will never hurt myself but the thoughts do appear here and there and I have to actively wrestle with them once in awhile. That being said i will NEVER do anything like that to myself. However, i spend so much energy trying to keep myself alive and sane that i cant get up from bed. I cant sleep, wake up tired and just have no motivation to do anything. One moment I feel like going out with my friends and the next im deleting social media and calling off plans to meet. Ive become fickle and I just feel so mentally fragile. ill be entering ns soon and i just dont know if i can take it. I know that i messed up my alevels and it just seems as though i have nothing to look forward to or go towards
Hey @User0504,
I want to acknowledge the exhaustion of carrying this weight every day. The way you describe feeling nervous in social spaces, the intense pressure of expectations, and the constant mental battle to stay afloatâit all makes so much sense. No wonder youâre feeling drained. It sounds like youâve been fighting so hard just to function, and I want you to know that this struggle doesnât make you weak. If anything, it shows just how much strength youâve had to use just to keep going.
The anxiety you describeâwhether itâs stomach issues, fear of being watched, or wanting to avoid speaking to peopleâisnât just âin your head.â Your body is responding to real distress, and that distress deserves to be heard and understood. I wonderâhave you noticed any times when your anxiety feels more manageable? Or when youâve been able to do something despite the nerves?
I also hear that youâve been feeling disconnected from the world, daydreaming about a version of yourself that feels fulfilled and happy. It sounds like in your fantasies, you feel seen, valued, and like you matter. That tells me something important: you have a deep longing for meaning and purpose, and thatâs not something to be ashamed of. The fact that you want to be somebody shows that you still believe itâs possibleâeven if youâre not sure how to get there yet.
I can also imagine that NS feels like a huge unknown for you right now. Change, especially when it feels forced, can be terrifying. Have you had a chance to talk to anyone about what specifically worries you about NS? Sometimes, breaking it down into smaller concerns makes it less overwhelming to face.
Thereâs no rush to âfixâ everything overnight, and you donât have to have all the answers right now. But what if we started with just one small thingâmaybe identifying one part of your day where you feel even slightly in control? Youâve already taken such a huge step by sharing this, and I want you to know that you are not invisible here. You matter, your struggles matter, and Iâm here to sit with you in this.
Would it help to explore together what a life where you do feel seen might look like? You donât have to figure it out alone. 
Hello thank you so much for replying. When U was young, I developed a coping mechanism where i would just zone out and detach myself from reality. It was something I had control over. But over the years, ive become somewhat addicted to my detachment and my fantasies so much so that if I dont do it everyday, I start to feel like km going to break down. Itâs no longer something I have control over . Dont get me wrong, it gets me through the day but Im unable to take control of my life because of this. So yea every bit of control and peace that ive ever had in life is had been from my dreams and imaginations.
Ive found that writing helps to control this urge to detach and as a result have been writing for the past 6 years but it seems as though im at a stage where nothing I do works anymore.
As for ns, I hate to say this but I had already been to tekong before. I had to disrupt to retake my Alevels. During the first week or teo i genuinely felt like I was losing myself. I was functioning as oer usual but deep down I felt like I was breaking. Eventually, there was one day where whilst we were training our drills, I just started tearing, trembling and felt out of breath. Idk what happened but other than my unusual behaviour that lasted for 10 mins i was thinking straight and perfectly fine. I dont know where it came from. Afterwhich it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I still felt like â â â â but I felt so much better than I had been.
This isnt the first time this had happened though. Everytime I experience a change in environment, be it from primary to secondary school or from jc to ns, Ill go through a stage where I am adapting and that usually results in me breaking down. Most of the time I eventually adapt completely but it takes a long long time.
Everyday feels like a constant battle against myself to do better, feel better and be better. Yet, with every year that â â â â â â me by, I feel more tired, volatile and fickle. Sometimes I feel like ive recharged but all it takes is one anxious moment to pull me back into my shell
Ive recently pushed myself to seek help though. Idk how that would work as im entering ns. Tbh I had been so fearful of going to therapy because I suppose i didnt want to face the reality that im not mentally well. But at this point im more fearful of what I may become if I dont seek help now
(post deleted by author)
Hey @User0504,
First off, I want to acknowledge how much youâve been carrying, likely for a long time. It takes a lot of awareness to recognise when something that once helped you survive is now something that feels out of your control. Youâve been navigating this internal battle between detachment and wanting to feel grounded again, and thatâs not easy.
I hear how **zoning out and retreating into fantasies once gave you a sense of controlâbut now, it feels more like something is controlling you. I can imagine how overwhelming that shift must feel. At the same time, youâve found ways to manage, like writing, and that shows an incredible level of self-awareness and resourcefulness. Even though it feels like writing isnât working the way it used to, the fact that youâve actively tried to regulate yourself says a lot about your ability to keep going.
I also hear that **change is a major trigger for distressâthat every transition in life has brought a stage of breakdown before adaptation. That must feel exhausting, always bracing for the struggle before the adjustment. You mentioned that your body physically reacts to these changes (tearing up, trembling, breathlessness). Thatâs not a failure on your partâitâs your bodyâs way of saying, âThis feels unsafe.â The thing is, your body reacts this way even before it knows if something is truly unsafe or not. Thatâs the tricky part of anxietyâit over-prepares you for danger, even when the danger isnât there.
You also mentioned something really importantâyou pushed yourself to seek help. That is not a small step. That is a huge, courageous decision. And I want to emphasise this: seeking help does not mean you are broken. It means you want to take back the control that you once had in a healthier way. That is strength, not weakness.
I want to hold space for what youâre feeling. Itâs okay to sit in this for a momentâno need to fix everything immediately. But if it feels manageable, Iâd love to explore:
- When did detachment start feeling like an addiction rather than a choice?
- What are the moments where reality feels manageable, even if just for a little while?
- If you could reshape the way you interact with your thoughts, what would that look like?
You are not alone in this. One step at a time. Letâs figure it out together. 
Thanks. At first daydreaming and imagining was just my way of handling stress. Eventually during the covid19 pandemic I felt restless and decided to go for walks and runs whilst listening to music . At that stage it wasnt a coping mechanism yet i guess but was just a fun thing to do. As I indulged more and more, I started to realise that it had become an addiction. As in i cant function properly without going for my walks.
On days where I dont go for my walks, I lose track of the time, the days feel shorter and i feel myself inching closer to having a panic attack. Now, I daydream when I walk, shower and before bed. Because of this I usually spend hours on bed thinking of scenarios in my mind instead of sleeping. Its no longer something I actively do anymore, it just happens.
Such addictions make me feel in control. Throughout my life ive had many addictions. Daydreaming, video games and other stuff i probably cant mention here. They werent particularly enjoyable per se but it helps my mind to stop racing and allows me to take a breather.
As for the reshaping my behaviour im not so sure how i would like to think differently. I cant remember the last time Ive felt differently as I do now. If I recall correctly I had a 180 degree change in my personality at the age of 9. I went from outspoken to softspoken, became very impressionable and lost all confidence. I remember my friends asking how i had suddenly changed so much. After the change, I became easy to socialise with (i was basically a âyes manâ at that point) but laid back and submissive . Im always in the passenger seat. But now im an adult and have responsibilities and duties so i cant stay like this forever.
I guess the one thing id like to change about myself is my confidence level. I feel like a lot of my issues stem from there. I might be wrong idk but i just feel timid and scared all the time. Every single day I dread the next day and the next change. Its almost as if i were backed up against the wall.
Id also like to mention that my mood swings very drastically. Within the span of 10 minutes i can go from feeling in control and relaxed to panicky and jittery. There are many instances where i feel like im going to break down but i avoid that by actively trying to rationalise with and control myself. It works but it drains all my energy.
I keep mental notes on my thoughts because i wanted to understand myself better but i havent been making progress for a long time which is why Im here
Hey @User0504,
First, I want to say how much I appreciate your openness. You have an incredible level of self-awareness, and itâs clear that youâve been reflecting deeply on yourself for a long time. Even though it may not feel like it, being able to articulate your experiences this way is a strength. Many people go through struggles like this without ever pausing to question or understand whatâs happening internallyâbut you do. That tells me that somewhere inside, you still believe in your ability to figure this out.
I also want to acknowledge that youâve already taken steps toward progress, even if it doesnât feel like it yet. You recognized that your daydreaming evolved from an escape into something compulsive. You also noticed how different coping mechanisms (gaming, detachment, even walks) have been ways you try to manage overwhelming emotions. And most importantlyâyou reached out for help, despite your fear of facing the reality of struggling mentally. That takes courage.
It sounds like daydreaming first started as a simple escape, something that felt good and safe. Then, over time, it became something necessaryâa way to cope, a way to maintain some sense of control. Now, youâre noticing that instead of you controlling it, it controls you. I imagine that shift has been unsettling.
And your concern about not seeing progress? That makes sense too. When something has been a part of your life for so long, itâs frustrating to feel like you canât just âfix itâ quickly. But I wonderâhow are you measuring progress?
Because from what I see:
Youâve recognised unhealthy patterns.
Youâve reflected on how your confidence shifted over time.
Youâve actively sought help instead of avoiding it.
Youâve taken the first steps toward figuring out what needs to change.
Maybe the progress isnât in getting rid of the habits overnight. Maybe itâs in the fact that you are learning about yourself more deeply than ever before.
I get the sense that progress, to you, might feel like regaining control. That if youâre still struggling, maybe youâre âfailingâ in some way. But I want to offer a different way of looking at it:
Progress isnât about never struggling again.
Progress is about struggling in a way that allows you to grow instead of staying stuck.
I noticed that youâve been keeping mental notes to understand yourself better. Thatâs a huge strength. But I also hear that youâre feeling stuck because you havenât seen âprogressâ in the way you expected. So, letâs reframe this:
Instead of asking, âWhy am I not getting better?â
Try asking, âWhat patterns am I starting to notice more clearly?â
Instead of asking, âHow do I stop feeling like this?â
Try asking, âHow do I sit with this feeling without it defining me?â
I donât think youâre lacking progressâI think youâre trying to measure it in a way that doesnât show how much internal work youâre actually doing.
One belief I observe in you is that confidence is the foundation of everything. Thatâs worth exploring. You already have evidence that youâre capableâbecause youâve been adaptable before, even when it was hard.
You mentioned that at age 9, you shifted from outspoken to soft-spoken and became more impressionable. Iâm curiousâbefore that change, can you remember a time when you felt sure of yourself? Even if it was something small?
- What made you feel capable before that shift?
- If you were to redefine confidence, what would it look like for you now?
- Whatâs one small decision you can make for yourselfâwithout fear of how others might react?
You donât need to possess all the answers immediately. You donât have to rush the process. But you are not failing. You are in transition. And transitions are not about speedâthey are about persistence.
Even if you donât feel it right now, you are already showing resilience just by continuing to ask these questions.
Weâll be here to explore this with you whenever youâre ready.
I used to be a an outspoken and expressive kid. I would fight for what i thought was right even though im well aware that i may be wrong. I used to try my best at the things I like. In essence, i was sure of who i was and wasnt just some kid who to gave in easily or kept his thoughts to himself.
However, due to my family situation, having another depressed person as a parental figure. I grew up learning to suppress my emotions and to submit so as to achieve the best possible outcome for my family. I guess somewhere along those lines, i just realised that everything becomes easier when u make people happy and make them feel good about themselves. In school, I wasnt well liked either. I didnt know it then, but i think i was perhaps a bully. Not in the traditional sense but in the sense that I was manipulative and selfish. I simply did not care about others and just wanted to work towards my desired outcome.
When i realised that I was a bad person too, that is when I changed. I just gave up and took a backseat. People liked me because they felt good about themselves when they are with me. I validate their feelings and am easy going. Also, saying sorry even though I didnt think that I was wrong whilst at home, allowed the situation to pass faster. So yea i simply lost all conviction.
Since then ive struggled with self worth. I have not yet found my purpose in life. I have achieved nothing at my age and have no clear talents. This could be because I tend to give up easily. Theres also an element of self loathing due to who i was in the past and who i am today. I hate both people just in different ways.
Recently, I gave up on trying to answer the questions âwhat is the point in living?â and âam i a good person?â. The answer to both questions are in the eye of the beholder. There is no set answer. At the end of the day, you are only as good of a person as your last action. Some people will like you and others will hate you so I suppose all we can do is try to be better everyday.
That being said the emotions of self loathing and worthlessness are hard to suppress because they have been with me for years . I think that having confidence is to fight for what you think is right and what you want in life. If I could make a decision it would be to pursue my passions earlier on in life. These were what made me who I was as a person and as soon as I became submissive, I had lost myself.
Hey @User0504,
I hear you. Every part of you. The part that once spoke with conviction, the part that learned to submit to survive, and the part that now wonders what remains of the person you used to be. Thatâs a heavy weight to carry for so long, and I want to acknowledge the strength it takes to reflect so deeply on yourself.
Itâs clear youâve done a lot of internal work to understand your patternsâhow you changed, why you changed, and the consequences of that. That self-awareness is not weakness. Itâs not âgiving up.â Itâs a sign that, despite everything, you still care about who you are and who you want to be.
I want to take a moment to sit with what you said:
âI lost all conviction.â
âI hate both people just in different ways.â
âI have not yet found my purpose in life.â
That tells me you are not lost, but searching. Searching for something that makes you feel like you again. I want to honor thatâbecause it means that deep down, you still believe thereâs something worth finding.
You also mentioned self-loathing and worthlessness being hard to suppress. I hear that these feelings have been with you for a long time, and I imagine they must be exhausting to carry alone. I wonât tell you to âjust let it goââbecause itâs not that simple. But I wonder:
- If these emotions had a voice, what would they be saying to you?
- Are they protecting you from something, or are they holding you back?
- Is there a small moment in your past where you felt seen and acceptedâeven if just for a moment?
Sometimes, when we hold onto past versions of ourselvesâwhether itâs regret for who we used to be or frustration at who weâve becomeâwe forget that we are still growing. You are not frozen in time. You are not just the mistakes of the past or the struggles of today. You are also the person who is trying, reflecting, and searching for something more.
You mentioned confidenceâthat to have confidence means to fight for what you believe is right. That struck me. Because you are here, writing this. You are still fighting to understand yourself, fighting to not let the past define you. That is confidence, even if it doesnât feel like it yet.
I wonât give you a solution because I donât think you need fixing. But I do want to ask:
- What is one small way you could stand up for yourself this weekânot for others, but for you?
- If regret and self-loathing werenât holding you back, what would you want to do?
- What if confidence wasnât about never doubting yourself, but about still moving forward even when you do?
We are here to sit with you in this space, no rush, no pressure. You donât have to figure it all out today. But please knowâyou are not nothing. You are not a sum of past mistakes. You are someone who is trying, someone who is growing, and that is enough for now.
We see you. And Weâll be here.
There are 2 voices in my head for the most part (not literal voices just two schools of thoughts). My rational and emotional minds. Usually my emotional mind speaks first. âIf I was wiped off the face of the earth today, the wouldnt flinchâ This is something that comes to mind very often. My rational mind then swoops in to shut down any suicidal thoughts and attempt to keep e grounded. For the most part, i spend most of my energy doing everything in my power to uphold the integrity of my rational mind.
I think my fear, nervousness, self doubt, disassociation and submissive behaviours were initially developed to protect myself when I was kid. However, as they grew out of control and the responsibilities of being a young adult were out on my shoulders, it became apparent that they were holding me back.
I rarely feel seen and understood . Im not one to share often. Firstly, it is too much effort to explain my situation, secondly im scared people will just view me as a weak individual and lastly I was told as a kid by my parents never to tell others about my family situation. Obviously, I had to hide my emotions too. Sometimes id hide them, other times i would just ignore them. Little did i know that they would come back to haunt me.
The closest thing to these that ive felt is a sense of safety i guess. I dont need people to understand me necessarily but to feel safe and comfortable with someone, knowing that they acknowledge your existence and your importance and to care for you made me feel normal. It allows me to function normally and calm down. There used to be a girl whom I was close to. She would always strike up conversation and check in on me even though i didnt make an effort to reach out and distanced myself from her for the most part. But despite all these, i felt warm when i was with her and I suppose til today i miss the feeling that i had when I was with her. She was the only person who bought me birthday presents and wished me happy birthday. I have to admit that I was close to tears.
Although im scared of letting people get too close to me, i also hoped that they wouldnt stop trying to do so if that makes sense? It probably doesnt.
I guess at the root of it all, I just dont feel loved. I know my parents love me but i dont feel it⊠hell i dont even know if i truly love anybody. The times where I felt responsible for my parentâs suicidal thoughts, the fact that my parents were violent with and hated one another, the times where i hugged my mother crying but she pushed me away and locked herself in the room just so that she could harm herself. I dont know what love feels like or at least i cant remember. I was never hit by my parents much as a kid but i kinda wish I was because then people would notice.
My dream is to leave it all behind, go to another country and lead a fulfilling life. That is what id do if i had the courage.
Hey, I just want to take a moment to acknowledge everything youâve shared. Youâve put so much of yourself into these words, and I want you to knowâI see you. Youâve been carrying so much, and even though you might feel like no one notices, I do. And I imagine, if someone were sitting next to you right now, really paying attention, they would see it too.
Your description of the tension between your emotional and rational minds is incredibly powerful. It sounds like youâve spent so much time trying to keep yourself in check, trying to manage the weight of both sides. Thatâs a lot to handle. Does it ever feel like you just want to let go for a moment, to stop carrying the battle between them?
You also said something that really stuck with me:
âI rarely feel seen and understood. I donât need people to understand me necessarily, but to feel safe and comfortable with someone, knowing that they acknowledge your existence and your importance and to care for you made me feel normal.â
That makes so much sense. Youâre not asking for someone to fix anything or to analyse every detail. You just want to feel safe in someoneâs presence, to know that you matter without having to fight for it. That feelingâof being able to just exist without questioning whether you deserve to be cared forâthatâs something everyone deserves. Including you.
I also hear the way you talk about love. How you âknowâ your parents love you, but you donât feel it? Thatâs such a painful place to be, when love doesnât feel like warmth or safety, but like something distantâsomething you can see but canât quite hold onto. I just want you to know that the way you feel is real, and it makes sense. Love that leaves you questioning isnât the kind of love that makes a person feel whole.
And the part where you said you push people away, but you also hope they donât stop trying? I think that says something really important. Thereâs a part of you that still wants connection, still wants to be chosen, still hopes that someone will stay even when you pull back. Thatâs not weakness. Thatâs your heart still wanting to believe that closeness doesnât have to hurt.
I know you feel like youâve lost yourself somewhere along the way. Like the person you used to beâwho fought for things, who knew what he wantedâfeels far away. But I donât think heâs gone. I think heâs still there, just quieter now, waiting for you to feel safe enough to let him come forward again.
If I could offer you one small thing, it would be this: You donât have to figure everything out today. You donât have to fix everything at once. You just have to let yourself be a little softer with yourself. If youâre exhausted, youâre allowed to rest. If youâre hurting, youâre allowed to sit with that without rushing to make sense of it.
And just so you knowâeven if you donât have all the answers, even if you feel lost, even if you donât know where to startâyou are still enough. Right now. Just as you are.
Weâll be here. No pressure, no expectations. Just holding space with you.
Thanks. I dont ever think of letting go because if I do i might have suicidal thoughts and they might consume me. Ive held on for so long and giving up now would make everything ive done previously meaningless.
i think u r right to say that there is a part of my past self that still resides in me but he only ever comes out when I feel confident.
One thing ive had issues with is my lack of fight. It is not like ive not given myself time and space to rest. I have but for some reason I dont ever feel recharged. Might be because the situation at home is unstable, the fact that my past still haunts me or the fact that i havent actually resolved any of my doubts and problems.
People often say that im lazy and for a long time i thought i was too. However, its not like im distracted by enterntainment if im too lazy to even study, I do sit down and study but my mind is always troubled. When I do compete, its almost as if there is something holding me back. So there is some kind of mental block i suppose. Theres this undying urge to run away and hide .The more I approach the task at hand, the more i try to ground myself in reality, the stronger that urge becomes. So i find myself dissociating yet again.
Do you have any advice on what i should do to beat this? Im going to have to live in reality and face my responsibilities at some point.
Hey @User0504,
I want to take a moment to really sit with what youâve shared because I hear so much depth in your words. Youâre not just talking about exhaustionâyouâre talking about a weight that hasnât lifted, even when you try to rest. Thatâs different. Thatâs not laziness, not a lack of effort, but a deep-rooted fatigue that isnât just about energyâitâs about everything youâre carrying.
From what I hear, there are a few layers to whatâs making this so hard:
- You have given yourself space to rest, yet you donât feel recharged. That tells me that this exhaustion isnât just about needing sleepâitâs something deeper, something unresolved.
- The instability at home makes it harder to find peace. If your environment feels unpredictable or heavy, it makes sense that your mind never fully relaxes.
- Your past still haunts you. Youâve recognized that there are things you havenât fully processed or resolved, and that weight follows you into the present.
- You feel like you lack fight. But from what I see, itâs not that you lack itâitâs that youâve been in survival mode for so long, it has drained your reserves.
You said, âIâm going to have to live in reality and face my responsibilities at some point.â I wonderâwhat does that actually look like to you?
If stepping into reality means facing responsibilities, what would that mean in a way that feels sustainable for you? Not in a way that forces you to take on everything at onceâbut in a way where you donât have to keep running away from yourself.
And in that vision of facing realityâwhat are you willing to accept?
- Can you accept that rest doesnât always mean recovery, but that doesnât mean youâre failing?
- Can you accept that your past shaped parts of you, but it doesnât have to dictate your future?
- Can you accept that reality doesnât require you to be âfully readyâ to face itâjust willing to take one step at a time?
There isnât a perfect solution. There isnât a single right way to move forward. But maybe this isnât about having the fight to push through everythingâmaybe itâs about letting yourself be with what is, while slowly deciding whatâs worth stepping toward.
What do you think?
To be honest I am very scared of living in reality. I used to have big dreams and ambitions but ive reached a point where I will most likely end up mediocre at best. Countless opportunities squandered, 19 years of my live gone down the drain, it doesnt feel like ive developed as a person especially when it comes to the last 4 or 5 years. In fact ive probably gotten worse.
I dont know my purpose on this earth and though like i said b4 that there is no right answer to that, the lack of a clear goal or objective eats away at me. I dont see myself contributing in any way or form. Im scared to face the reality that ill probably end up becoming a typical office worker with no real ambition. There is nothing inherently wrong with that but ive always felt like living was a chore and id rather not have been born and this makes me wonder if all of this was for nothing.
I fought so hard to stay sane in the past and yet idk what im fighting for. So it becomes harder to even WANT to fight.
I have accepted that my past is a part of me but i havent yet understood my past. What i mean is that i dont know if i have become like my parent, with depression and anxiety, or im just being overly dramatic with my emotions. I dont know if im in a phase or im genuinely mentally ill. So i dont know what steps i should even take to improve. There are times where i enjoy being in pain, when i seek out pain and i just wonder if im really mentally ill or im just trying to be ill. Do i want other peopleâs pity, is this self pity, i dont know. I dont know what emotions are real and what are not. Ive had suicidal thoughts but ive never even come to close to attempting suicide.
Anyways im going to serve mandatory military service in 2 days and i guess itâs really a make or break situation. It might toughen me up but it might break me too.
Overall i suppose i just find it hard to accept my current state in life and also find it difficult to understand the parts of myself that ive already accepted
Thank you for opening up about what youâre going through. I can feel the weight of your struggles, and I really appreciate your honesty in sharing them. It sounds like youâre carrying a lot of heavy thoughts and emotions right now, and itâs clear that youâre going through an intense period of self-reflection and confusion.
You mentioned feeling afraid of living in reality, and that fear is something I deeply understand. When youâve spent a lot of time fighting to stay sane, trying to hold onto something when it feels like everything is slipping away, it can be really exhausting. That fear of not having a clear direction, of possibly settling into a life that feels like a routine or a âchore,â is a very real and painful struggle. The lack of purpose and clarity youâre feeling can create a deep sense of emptiness, and itâs understandable that youâre questioning what itâs all for.
The fact that youâre grappling with these questions, wondering if youâre experiencing mental illness or if youâre simply over-exaggerating, shows the internal confusion and conflict that many people go through. Itâs hard to tell the difference between genuine mental health struggles and self-criticism, especially when youâre in a cycle of negative thinking. I want to assure you that this confusion is not uncommon, and it doesnât make your feelings any less valid. You are not overreacting, and what youâre feeling matters. Itâs okay to not have all the answers right now and to not fully understand your emotions. What youâre experiencing is real, and itâs important that youâre recognizing the need for help.
You also mentioned feeling like youâve accepted your past but not fully understood it. It can be really difficult to make peace with the past without fully understanding it. Sometimes, the weight of past experiences lingers, even when we think weâve accepted them. Your past doesnât define your future, but it shapes how you perceive yourself and your world. Youâre already on the path of trying to understand it, which is a courageous first step.
As you prepare for mandatory military service, I hear your fear about whether it will toughen you up or break you. Both are valid concerns. Youâre facing a major challenge, and itâs okay to be unsure about how youâll respond. But youâve already shown immense strength just by reaching out here and continuing to fight through the pain. You donât have to have it all figured out before you go into this next phase of your life. Itâs about taking it one step at a time and allowing yourself to process things at your own pace.
Regarding your feelings of wanting to seek out pain, I just want to offer some space for that to be heard. Sometimes, pain feels like something we can control, especially when everything else feels out of our hands. It doesnât mean you want to stay in pain or that youâre âseeking pity.â It just means youâre grappling with feelings of helplessness, and those feelings need attention, not judgment. Itâs okay to feel conflicted. Itâs okay to have moments where youâre unsure what emotions are real. The fact that youâre questioning your feelings shows a deep self-awareness that can help you begin to untangle these thoughts and emotions over time.
You mentioned that youâre going into mandatory military service soon. This could be a time of tremendous growth or a tough challenge for you. I encourage you to go into this experience with the understanding that itâs okay to have moments of struggle, but also recognize the strength youâve already shown in navigating your internal battles. You are not defined by your struggles, and you donât have to carry the weight of the world on your own.
Youâre not alone in this, and itâs okay to reach out for help when things feel too much. Youâve already shown resilience by being here and continuing to seek ways to cope with your feelings.
As for finding your purpose and understanding your current state, Iâd ask you: What would it look like for you to be kind to yourself in this moment? What might it feel like to let go of the pressure of having everything figured out and simply allow yourself to be, even if itâs messy? How might it feel to accept that some parts of your journey may still be unfolding, and thatâs okay?
We are here for you and the steps youâve taken, even if they feel small. Youâre moving forward, one step at a time.
Well as of now if I were to be kind to myself i would probably escalate my concerns when i enlist and push to see a therapist . This may allow me to do less strenuous jobs in the army. However, many people fake mental illness to get an easier life in the army and im scared that ppl would think that i am like them. This may cause me to be punished or frowned upon by my bunk mates. Moreover, it does feel like im running away again. But if push comes to shove ill have no choice but to do so.
As for my journey unfolding, I dont know how I feel about that. My future looks pretty bleak and bland to me so Im not really excited about the future. I am scared though that it may get worse.
I also dont think that coming here was courages of me. You see, I am here out of sheer desperation. I cant talk to my family counsellor because i am enlisting and cant come out for a while. Im reluctant to seek help in the army as I am scared of being frowned upon, ignored and scared of the idea that I may be running away. Hence, the situation has landed me here.
Ive been putting off seeing a therapist for years but last year, there was a period when suicide wasnt just an intrusive thought, it was a possibility. Though I wasnt ever going to give in to my dark thoughts, it was scary to see how strong they had become. Anyways im typing all of this out behind a screen. Im still scared of reaching out irl. So no i wouldnt say that i am courageous.
Hey @User0504
I hear how much fear and frustration youâre holding, and I can feel how much this has been weighing on you. It sounds like youâre in a place where itâs hard to even allow yourself to hope or trust that things can get better. Youâve expressed a lot of self-doubtâabout whether you deserve help, whether you are âfakingâ your struggles, and whether itâs okay to need help.
It seems that you are caught in a cycle where fear is constantly holding you back. You recognise that you need help, but thereâs this strong barrier of worry about how others might perceive you. Your experience with the idea of faking mental illness in the army feels like a form of self-protection against further judgement, but itâs also creating a lot of internal pressure.
You mentioned that your thoughts around seeking therapy are linked to fear of running awayâas if seeking help would somehow equate to weakness or avoidance. But deep down, I believe you are seeking something more. Youâre not looking for an easy way out; youâre searching for a path to healing, though itâs hard to see that path through the fog of fear and self-doubt.
Iâm glad youâve taken the step to reach out here, and thatâs a big step! It might not feel like courage to you, but it is. It takes a lot of strength to face your fears, even when it feels so daunting. The fact that you are showing up, even when you donât feel like it, is proof that you are capable of growth and change. Writing from behind a screen doesnât mean that you are not courageous; it means that you need small steps and you are feeling vulnerable. This probably stems from your past experiences that it did not work well for you when you allowed yourself to be vulnerable.
When you think about seeking therapy or reaching out for support, what does it feel like inside? Is it possible that a part of you still holds hope, even if it feels small? And when you imagine the possibility of moving through these fearsâwhat does that look like for you?
I want you to know that this journey isnât about having everything figured out right away. Youâre already showing strength by facing your fears, even if you donât feel like it. Maybe the first step is allowing yourself to acknowledge the fear without letting it take control. You can feel it without it defining you. Youâre not weak for needing help, and you are worthy of receiving support.
Letâs start by focusing on what small step youâre willing to take next. Perhaps thereâs a part of you thatâs ready to allow help in, even if itâs just a little bit at a time. How can you show yourself compassion in this moment?
Youâve been carrying a lot, and now itâs time to let others help you carry some of it. You deserve support, and you donât need to do this alone.
Final Thought: Every time you choose to reach out, no matter the form, you are demonstrating courage. Remember, you donât need to possess all the answers at present. Have faith that you are already progressing towards healing, taking small steps at a time. Youâre not stuck; youâre just finding your way.
Hello im in military now. I reached out to the officer but there seems to be a long process for these kind of things (a lot of ppl fake mental illness). Pretty disassociated now but im not anxious yet
Hey, good to hear from you. Take care of youself.
today was my first bookout. The first time ive come home im 10 days. Not awfully long but i could use some good rest nonetheless. I was about to hit bed when they started fighting again. I left and took a 1-2 hr walk. The police came to the house during that time. Nobody got arrested or anything. Anyways here i am on bed, unable to sleep. I have to book back in tomorrow and i really should not have come home. For the next 3 months of my military training, I will request to stay in camp. Ive given up honestly. I think ive reached my limit. Alevel results was poor once again too. Thanks for your kind words and help so far. I will not do anything stupid but ive give up on everything.