oh oh! thank you! hmm hmm mmn i can’t really remember that much but i know that there was a period of time where i’ve cried at least once, every single day.
and um i also forgot but i feel like i’ve been crying silently for so long i don’t know how people can cry loudly with the wah wah sounds. during that period of time, mm well i’m the kind of person where the more i think about the sad thing, the more sad i will be.
and i didnt have friends who knows how to listen to people. like, whenever i confide in them about my feelings on a certain matter, they’ll change the topic really quickly and yeah… i’ve realised that the friend was rather toxic and i didn’t like how she was treating me. for eg she told me once that she’s only cruel/rude to me because i’m close to her, and that she could only be herself around me. we were in the same school but she dropped out bc she couldn’t keep up with the syllabus (more like she just never studied and listened in class so… 
i’ve tried to help her and study together but it didn’t seem to help. i mean, she didn’t even seem like she wants to help herself on this so , i couldn’t help her too.) so yeah and bc we live so far away, we just talked over social media. and i told her that i would never block someone unless they are scammers/ someone i hate very very much. and she , she blocked me once for fun and when i wanted to say hi to her, she’s like “aHa, i wonder who this blocked message is from” or something, i can’t really remember. but she sounded so smug about it, i got a bit annoyed. nevertheless, i decided to give her a chance bc people aren’t perfect! just wanted to give her a chance to change but she blocked me again the second time because i told her i got new friends and she’s like, really jealous about it. she would literally ask me if she’s my top 1 in my heart and it’s annoying how she always need to find for someone else to tell me about what she felt instead. while blocking me at the same time. i just feel like she should just straight up tell me about what she felt instead of getting another person because i felt really bad. the other person is literally working and studying in uni at the same time i guess she don’t know how to express about her feelings straight up to the person ig. and she will always trash talk about herself even when i always tell her not to, that its not true. she just keeps on saying so much about her being trash that i cant even bother anymore. perhaps it sounds a bit harsh but i have my limits too o-o i just feel like… 3 years of talking trash of herself is too much… like, if she thinks she’s fat for like 3 years+, if she don’t like how she look like now, stop lamenting for 3 years!! start action. 
so yeah i’ve stopped finding for her for months now though i would still reply to her if she finds me o-o just not as enthusiastic as before anymore.
um right i got a bit off topic but yeah normally when i have time to think about sad things that has happened on that day, it’s normally at night when i can’t sleep (bc i normally take 30min to fall asleep and in the 30min, i would think about things that has happened and i will reflect on myself) so yeah… in the end i just cry myself to sleep. o-o
i think a need that has been taken away from me, well… i just think that, from sec 1 till now, i’ve just never heard my parents praising me before. they would always use pressure to push me to do better and would always compare me to the better kids in school. last time, when i did better than before, and i tell them about my marks happily, my mom would always be like “what’s the highest marks in the whole cohort?” or, “how much did your friend get?” meanwhile, my dad doesn’t care about my academics. i think one year ago, he said something like he’s just given up on me and um i am so sad.
i feel like, sure pressuring a kid to do better might be a good way, but too much just … i think i get anxious whenever exams come near and whenever results are out, my feelings are like, numbed. if i get relatively good marks, i wouldnt feel very happy and if i get marks below my expectation, i wouldnt feel disappointed too cause i suppose, i just expected that i would do terribly
thankfully currently i got like 2 good friends that i think are rather close to me!! i have someone to confide in and ummm well, he might not be the best but he’ll give suggestions and ways i can solve my issue. i appreciate it but i sometimes feel like words are so easy to say but actions are not as easy to do. lol. but maybe bc we came from diff families and had different experiences, he’ll find some things easy but i’ll find it hard instead. like for example, he says i should get a positive mindset and i also know i should, but i don’t know how to. and sometimes when i say things in a certain way, he’ll be like “instead of saying it like this, you should say it like that.” sometimes he does it so much i felt pressurised and that he’s expecting so much of me i don’t think i can live up to his expectations, . but i talked to him about it! other than that, he’s a really cool friend and yeah cares for me. my other friend! she’s so cool too! she’s very admirable and we’ll share about interesting things that has happened to us; she’ll also confide in me because she thinks i’m a safe person to talk to; she also supports me!!! i find for her whenever i need help w my studies. she also finds for me when she needs help too, like for chemistry.
i think these two friends are so good because both motivates me to study and good memories are being created because of them so i’m very grateful of them to be willing to be my friend 
i feel so lucky to have met the both of them.
yes, i feel like i should be kind to myself too but i don’t know how to do that. i’m struggling to do that but nowadays i suppose i’m not being as negative about myself than before already! i’m trying to improve myself (although i’m really really slow on this) in the future, i hope that i would be able to love myself and become an independent woman who’s charming and cool www , where i can pursuit a job that i’m interested in, where i can wear any pretty clothes i like and be confident in it, where i can finally stop caring so obsessively about other’s opinions on me, and focus more on my opinion on me.
on another side note, i’ve been thinking of being a psychologist when i grow up because i want to learn more about myself and maybe learn the ways of self healing if i still did not manage to do so. i also want to help others who have mental illnesses too because i don’t wish for them to be like me, getting troubled and not knowing how to help themselves. but apparently my friend says that taking a psychology major is really risky as some people might not even get a job after 1 year of graduation. mm… i’m not very sure on this and would like to see if anyone has comments on this? (tbh another good point he has made is the fact that i’m strong enough emotionally and mentally to accept patients who have serious mental illnesses because i’ve heard about psychologists getting depression after treating the patients…? mm…i’m not sure, all i know is that psychology fascinates me and i find it so interesting to know about how the mind works and all.)
thank you once again for the reply 
At the same time, it feels like you’ve developed a coping mechanism whereby it sounds like you dissociate or disconnect when you ‘forget’ as a way to manage your mood although at the expense of forgetting other things too. 
There are cases where the mind dissociates to cope with the overwhelming stress from an actual traumatic experience or even with distressing memories.
i wonder why brain alteration happens.