I just don't know what to do anymore

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i feel so tired and overwhelmed everyday that sometimes i just wish i didn’t wake up. every single time the end of the trimester comes, i just feel all the project work and exams pile up and it just triggers something in me to feel this devastating existential dread. something about this causes my executive dysfunction to kick in and i physically can’t bring myself to do work no matter how hard i try. even when i try to break it into smaller parts and work at one thing at a time, i just automatically dissociate and it practically feels like my body isn’t mine because i genuinely can’t control myself.

what’s worse is that i’m not even slacking off or doing other tasks, i just physically and mentally cannot do anything which makes me feel so guilty. it feels like i’m betraying people’s expectations of me, and when factoring in that these people i’m doing group projects with are my classmates, it almost feels daunting to think of them having the impression of me not being able to do work or just in general being “dumb”. it just makes me feel so pathetic considering it takes me so much effort even for simple tasks which they could do easily.

i often wonder what’s the point of me studying or struggling so much when i’m lagging behind compared to them. it genuinely makes me feel like a part of me is flawed for not being able to keep up or being able to cope. this has basically caused me to lose all interest in my course and i just feel so uncertain about how to go from here. it just feels horrible thinking about my peers who are pursuing their dream careers or enjoying themselves, while i’m here completely unsure of what i even what to do, what to be and what my purpose in life is. it feels as though i’m worthless, and i’m just a burden to my parents who are spending money to fund for my education when i’m probably not going to be able to find a job if i even manage to survive til graduation.

the stress from not being able to produce results or being productive keeps eating away at my conscience that i just have this constant lethargy. i’m just permanently tired yet i can barely sleep, which ends in constant body aches and just feeling awful. it feels so painful to be alive and everyday just feels like a struggle to be normal. i don’t want my parents to know about what i’m going through considering the last time i had a breakdown they said “there is no way my child can be mentally sick” and i also don’t want to worry my close friends because they already have enough on their plates. it feels like i need to keep up a facade whenever i go to school to pretend that everything is okay while i’m rotting away on the inside.

i really don’t know what to do at this point. i don’t know how to be normal. i don’t know what i’m even alive for and it just makes me feel so useless. some of my relationships with friends or group mates have already deteriorated because of my lack of/slow work, and sometimes the words they say to me really hurt my feelings even though they’re right. although they’re not wrong for being upset, i just feel like its also unfair to me because i really am trying my best but i just am unable to. someone i previously regarded as a friend cursed at me and i felt that although justified, there’s still time left before our project was due. i often feel like the texts from some of the others are also said with deeper intentions and are often hurtful, but i’m not sure if i’m reading into it too much. these aggressions that i feel from them just add on to the impression i think others have of me and sometimes in the heat of the moment i consider telling them i’m suicidal to reduce their judgement of my slow work. but at the same time i also don’t want to reveal that when i’m no longer close to them, for the fear that they would spread it about me to the other people in my course.

i really don’t know what to do, it feels as though i’m spiralling everyday and my thoughts have only gotten more negative. i’ve never thought of myself as impulsive or that i would hurt myself, but as the days pass, the pain just feels unbearable that it almost sounds like a relief if i were to end it all. but i know that i can’t because i know just how much pain that would bring to the people who care about me and i don’t want to put them through that. i just don’t know how to make all of this stop and i really need advice on how to pull myself together before i collapse.

5

Hi @duckindistress,

Noticed this is your first post on the forum - just wanted to start off by welcoming you to our community. I hope you find some comfort and support in being here :slight_smile:

I also wanted to thank you for taking a courageous first step of sharing these with us. Reading your post, I can hear how deeply exhausted you’ve been feeling, and I can sense how hard you’ve been trying to keep up with everything you mentioned in spite of the exhaustion - your studies, group projects, friendships, and everyone’s expectations. Honestly, that sounds like a lot for anyone to carry on their own.

There’s one thing that really stood out to me. Throughout your post, I don’t see someone who doesn’t care or who isn’t trying their best. Sometimes, when people become overwhelmed for a long period of time, they may start to believe the problem is that they’re not disciplined enough, not trying hard enough, or simply not good enough. But burnout often looks exactly like what you’ve described, feeling constantly lethargic, struggling to concentrate, finding it difficult to start seemingly simple tasks, losing interest in things that you once enjoyed or valued, feeling detached from yourself, and becoming trapped in a cycle of guilt and shame whenever work doesn’t get done.

Like you pointed out, the constant stress and pressure seem to be feeding into some really painful thoughts about yourself. When projects pile up, it sounds like thoughts like “I’m flawed”, “I’m falling behind”, or “people must think I’m dumb” start to show up. Understandably, those thoughts bring up feelings of shame, anxiety, and dread. And when those emotions become overwhelming, it can become even harder to focus or get started, which then reinforces the belief that you’re failing. Over time, it can become a very exhausting cycle to be stuck in.

If i may, could I gently suggest for us to shift the goal from “pulling yourself together” to reducing the amount of pressure your mind and body are carrying right now? When we’re already overwhelmed, it can feel intuitive to push even harder, but in reality, when we’re already running on empty, this often ends up leaving us feeling even more drained.

Instead, it may help to return to some of the basics. Things like sleep, food, hydration, movement, and rest. I know these may sound simple, but they can have a surprisingly large impact on our energy, concentration and mood. Are there any forms of movement that you usually enjoy? What helps you feel rested? Making a little space for these activities can sometimes help regulate both our energy levels and sleep.

It also sounds like the stress has started to spill over into how you see your relationships. When we’re already exhausted and feeling badly about ourselves, it can become much harder to tell the difference between what others are actually thinking and what our minds fear they might be thinking. That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real or valid. Being cursed at by someone you considered a friend would hurt most people, and that’s very much valid.

At the same time, I wonder if some of the other texts you mentioned may be landing harder because you’re already carrying such a heavy sense of guilt and self-criticism about your work. When we’re hurting, it’s often easier for criticism (whether real or perceived) to confirm the worst things we may already believe about ourselves.

You also mentioned sometimes wanting to tell your groupmates that you’re suicidal so they might better understand why you’re struggling. To me, it sounds like you’ve been carrying so much pain that a part of you wishes others could truly understand how difficult things have been. At the same time, I want you to know that your struggles are valid regardless. You don’t need to disclose something that personal in order for your pain to be real or deserving of support.

I’m also concerned by how often thoughts about not wanting to wake up and ending your life have been appearing. Given how overwhelmed you’ve been feeling, I really don’t think this is something you should have to manage alone. Would you consider reaching out to a counsellor or a trusted adult at school? They may be able to help you navigate both the burnout and the suicidal thoughts you’ve been carrying, while also finding practical ways to manage your workload and access additional support if needed.

While you’re navigating this journey, please know that our community is also here to support you. At any point, if you’d like to speak to a counsellor in real-time, you can also reach out to 1771 or WhatsApp 6669 1771 (available 24-hours).

In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’ve been carrying far more than the people around you can see.

Take care :cherry_blossom:

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thank you for the support, it really means a lot to me :heart_hands: i’ve been trying to shift my focus to improving my current physical wellbeing but due to the deadlines coming in a few weeks it feels extremely daunting to. unfortunately i’ve had chronic insomnia since i was a child so there aren’t much things i’ve noticed help with my rest, but i’ll try my best to allocate more time to.
i have reached out to the school counselling office, however i am not sure how much help can be provided as i’ve heard from others that oftentimes they did not provide much guidance to them. i’m also unaware if they are able to liaise with my course itself for any additional support but i will keep it in mind when i receive a response or have the opportunity to. i have considered talking to my professors as well, however i have not been formally diagnosed nor have any record of prior history of poor mental health so i’m unsure if i can file for an appeal. plus, i’m not sure if my appeal would be disclosed to my team members as well, which i’m slightly afraid of.
additionally, i’m also scared of the counsellors informing my parents about my condition, as i’ve never told them or shown signs that i’m struggling. i don’t want them to worry and also fear that they might not understand what i’m going through.
thank you for your response and for making me feel seen. its extremely comforting to receive support from others in these times :heart: i really appreciate your help and what you do for the community here. wishing you well

7

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I’m really glad to hear from you. :slight_smile:

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the steps you’ve already taken! Reaching out to your school counselling office isn’t easy, especially when you’re already feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Even with all the uncertainty around whether they can really be of help, you reached out anyway, and that takes courage. Sometimes the hardest part is taking that first step, and you’ve already done that :raising_hands:

It’s understandable that you’re feeling hesitant. If you’ve heard mixed experiences from others, I can see why you would be wondering whether the support will be helpful or whether they’ll be able to assist with things like academic accommodation and liaising with your course. The good news is that these are all very reasonable questions to ask them directly. Even if they may not be able to provide every form of support you may be looking for, they may still be able to help you explore what options are available and advocate for you where appropriate.

I hear you on feeling concerned that your parents would be informed. Many students share similar worries when seeking support for the first time. While there are limits to confidentiality in situations where there are serious concerns about someone’s safety, counsellors generally aim to respect the student’s privacy and will often discuss these boundaries with you. You may find it helpful to bring up this concern with them during your first conversation so that you’ll have a clearer understanding of what information would and would not be shared. It’s completely okay to ask about this.

I also noticed that you’ve been thinking about whether to speak with your professors. It sounds like you’re trying to navigate a lot of unknowns at the moment, trying to figure out whether support can be provided, whether an appeal is possible, and what kind of information is needed in such situations. That’s a lot to figure out when you’re already carrying so much.

At the same time, I do want to acknowledge that the challenges you’ve described (the exhaustion, insomnia, having trouble concentrating and starting tasks, and the impact on your work) are very real experiences, regardless of whether there’s a formal diagnosis attached to them.

On what you shared about having lived with insomnia for a long time, that sounds incredibly frustrating, especially when sleep is often suggested as a solution when sleep itself has been difficult for years. I’m wondering if you’ve had the chance to speak to a doctor or a healthcare professional about your sleep before? Since it has been present since childhood, I wonder if it might be helpful to explore it more thoroughly with a professional, if you haven’t already done so.

Most of all, it’s heartening to read that you’ve reached out for support despite how difficult things have been. I know it may not feel like much when deadlines are looming and there may be many unanswered questions still, but from where I am, I see someone who is trying their best to take care of themselves even while carrying a lot.

Please continue to be gentle with yourself in the meantime, and feel free to keep us updated on how things go with your school Counsellor. We’ll be here to listen :white_heart: