Feeling lost

[Len]

Had a small sob sesh because of my frustrations with some interior modelling for a module, and one the thing that it rattling around in my head rn is what my mom said to me then, something about how I don’t seem to be enjoying my course at all.

It made me feel a little bit awful. She’s not wrong, but somehow I felt like if I didn’t like what I’m doing, what else would I do?

I mainly chose my course because I scored the highest in the subject back in secondary school, and I felt like I relatively enjoyed it. But now when I look at myself, to a certain extent I have to drag myself to complete my work. I do have some moments where I feel that I’m having fun, but I might be feeling that way because I am surrounded by friends. The things that I’m interested in may not be things that I might have fun doing.

It’s hard to admit to myself, and it’s not like I didn’t have that revelation before, I probably just suppressed it and ignored it. Because truly, what am I other than what I’m doing right now? What else can I do other than what I’ve chosen to do? I’m aware that people can still pick things up and pivot away from what they’ve spent years learning, but that only works if you’re passionate about that something or if you’re really desperate (for what, idk).

I feel like I’ve spent most of my time trying to convince myself that I love design, and I wish I’d realised it sooner that maybe I only like it as a hobby. I should’ve been more into science or maths or business instead. I wish I could turn back time and tell my younger self that. I feel like I’ve wasted my time, and sanity on something I just “liked” but not enough.

My mom says that my strengths used to be writing, and my drawings, which is why I scored so high in that subject in the first place, not because I was good at design. So perhaps I should look at doing marketing or something like that as a pivot from my current course, if I were to make it to uni.

And something about how my personality and character doesn’t take too well with the workload and stress of the field if I were to continue. She’s not wrong.

But I don’t really care for marketing. I don’t really care for anything. Not that I hate it, but it feels like most things land on me feeling neutral about it, mostly slightly leaning towards the “I don’t like it” end of the spectrum.

For a period of time I used to want to work as an archivist, but with my subpar grades, and the path to becoming one being really hard, jobs are hard to find and the pay being kinda lame for the most part, I kinda gave up on it. That was the only time I felt the strongest about something I wanted to pursue. A very short and frivolous thought.

I only wanted to do so because it seemed cool, and I’d get to work in quiet environments. There wasn’t much to it.

I sometimes wish I were more STEM smart. Maybe it’ll be a bit more straightforward. But unfortunately I’m an idiot. I can’t even do the things I chose to do well.

Everytime I think of what I’d like to do, my memories of going to the ECG counsellor back then in secondary school start to surface which always makes me break into a chuckle. In the end the friend that I dragged to accompany me got more out of the ECG session than I did, the counsellor was at a loss when it came to me.

I remember we had to do something about sorting job cards into piles of I like this, I hate this, I’m neutral about it. Most of my options landed into I hate this, with a few in neutral. With some egging I put 2 cards into the I like it pile, although you could tell I wasn’t really feeling it. I’m sorry Ms counsellor, you tried your best. Even after 4 years, things remain the same haha.

My friend in the other hand is thriving with what they picked, so it’s definitely a me problem. I can’t help but feel a little jealous.

Even on the skillsfuture site where they do all those personality things to figure out job compatibility, my “scores” were terrible. The worst was when I had only 3 job suggestions, which all sucked, and that time I was being 100% honest with my responses. Feels a bit awful but whatever.

I just want to enjoy what I do, but I have no idea what it could be. I know what I hate, but not what I love. Or something that I can tolerate doing everyday into the future as a job at least.

I tell myself one step at a time, but the clock is ticking. Especially in today’s job market, I don’t really have much time to dally before fall behind.

I know I’m not the only one feeling this way, but how do people even get out of this. I don’t want to do something I apparently don’t find much enjoyment in.

The more I write the more depressed I get. Maybe internally I really don’t want to acknowledge these feelings. But Uni applications are closing soon, and I’m about to graduate. So it’s either I figure something out or I get stuck with something I don’t like for the next couple of years, or maybe even forever. Booo

[CharmingAnt]

I’m really glad you wrote all this out. It’s heavy, but it’s also very honest and nothing you said sounds silly, dramatic, or like a you problem. It sounds like someone who’s been trying very hard for a long time to make something fit… and is exhausted from forcing themselves to believe it does.

From what I’m hearing, you’re burnt out from the workload and pressure of your course, your mum’s comment touched a fear you already had: “What if I don’t actually enjoy this?” You’re realising that liking something a bit (or as a hobby) isn’t the same as wanting it as a career. And underneath all that is this scary question: “If I’m not this… then what am I?”

That’s a really destabilising place to be. Anyone would feel lost there.

I want to gently push back on a few harsh things you’re saying about yourself, because they sound more like exhaustion talking than truth.

Firstly, you didn’t waste your time.

You chose what made sense with the information and feelings you had then. You did well, you showed up, you built skills and even if you pivot later, those years don’t disappear. Writing, visual thinking, communicating ideas, working through briefs, collaborating under pressure, all those are transferable whether you go into design, marketing, comms, content, UX, archives, research, or something you haven’t even encountered yet.

Secondly, not having a passion is more common than you think.

A lot of people don’t love their field,they tolerate it, or like parts of it, or like the life it allows them to live. The whole “find what you love” narrative can be cruel sometimes to people like you, who are reflective and honest and don’t want to lie to themselves. There’s nothing broken about landing mostly in neutral.

Thirdly, comparing yourself to your friend is understandable, but unfair to you.

Some people lock onto a path early. Others take longer, zigzag, or only figure it out by discovering what they don’t want. That doesn’t mean you’re behind but it just means your process looks different.

About the archivist thing, I actually find that really telling.

You didn’t want it because of prestige or money. You liked the environment, the pace, the quiet, the nature of the work. That says something important about you, that you might value calm, depth, focus, and meaning over constant hustle and noise. That’s not frivolous, that’s self-knowledge, even if the exact role didn’t work out.

Right now, I don’t think the question is “what do I love?”

A gentler, more realistic question you can ask yourself might be

What drains me the least?

What kind of environment do I function better in?

What kind of stress can I tolerate, and what kind breaks me?

It’s also okay to choose a temporary direction, not a forever one. Uni doesn’t have to be the final answer, it can be a holding pattern while you learn more about yourself.

And one important thing, the numbness and “I don’t care about anything” feeling can also be a sign of burnout or low mood, not a permanent personality flaw. When you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, joy is often the first thing to go. That doesn’t mean it’s gone forever.

You don’t need to solve your entire life right now. You’re graduating, uni apps are closing, emotions are high, of course everything feels urgent and bleak.

You’re not stupid. You’re not failing at being a person. You’re someone at a crossroads, tired, grieving an idea of what you thought you’d be and that’s a painful but very human place to be.

We are here with you. You don’t have to figure this out alone, or all at once.

[user6942]

I think it is quite common that people do things they don’t like but at least tolerate. If you manage to find something you like and can make a living off(like your friend) good for you, but if not, just tolerating is something most people do.

I loved math and science which brought me to choose engineering in university, but at higher levels, the subject becomes too difficult it isn’t enjoyable anymore lol. But anyway I still did okay in it and surviving. Picked a job that is also somewhat related. Not doing extremely well, but not terrible either. We all just need some work(which your education help provide you qualifications to get) just to survive and pay the bills and that’s okay as long as you are at least tolerating. This is the experience of most people I believe. You can find happiness on the outside of your work after you earn your money and can do your own hobbies with the money you earn.

If you think tolerating isn’t good enough(and you have a strong desire to pivot to a somewhere else that you set your heart on), then just plan to pivot when you have the resources to do so.