Getting through it alone

Hangouts Rants
1

I’ve always had this sort of hyperindependence where I can’t work up the courage to fully share my struggles with others, or when I do its usually calculated and I’ve already thought about the issue over and over in my head and already coming to a conclusion before asking others. I think this sort of mindset comes from being the older sibling who was the so called “more mature” one or the one that was easier to handle compared to my younger sibling.

When I was younger I used to be proud of how I wasn’t being a burden to my parents by adding more problems on top of my sibling with attitude issues, but I’ve come to realise how repressing my emotions has made me unable to be vulnerable with anyone, and it makes me jealous seeing others do it so effortlessly. Its made me feel bitter and resentful whenever I see my sibling receive the support and attention I never got to receive, and its just so unfair.

My parents have always painted me as the more understanding and the one who needed less guidance, but in reality I’ve always been struggling but somehow managed to barely push through my issues alone. Now as I’m older, I see how many problems in various areas of my life all tie in to my lack of self-esteem and lack of a strong emotional support system around me.

I’ve come a long way since then, in terms of my confidence and self-worth, but a few months ago, my grandma, who i was very close to suddenly passed away and I still feel extremely hurt when I recall how everyone comforted my sibling instead of me, saying how I was the “older and stronger one.” And I’ve never felt more lonely in my life than that point. I still don’t know how I managed to juggle the grief, the self-loathing, family arguments and my A level all at the same time, but I somehow made it and I feel much better after my exams, but keeping it all inside for so long has definitely taken a huge toll on my mental health, and so I’m writing this post now to rant about it.

Ranting about my personal life is really difficult for me and I feel like this might be the first and last time I’m able to work up the courage to share my feelings​:sweat_smile: so I would really appreciate it if people could share their thoughts and tips on how to open up more and boost my confidence more easily!

2

Hey @user867012 . I’m really glad you shared this, especially since you said how difficult it was to do so. That already shows a lot of courage. Also, the fact that you’re here shows that part of you still hoping for connection and support, and let’s take a moment to acknowledge that :yellow_heart:

Being the “older and stronger one” can be a such a complicated role like on the outside it looks like strength, but inside it can feel like you weren’t given the space or permission to struggle. It sounds like you learned really early to carry and handle things alone and when becomes familiar, opening up later can feel uncomfortable, or even unsafe.

Losing someone you were close to and then not being comforted the way you needed sounds incredibly lonely and painful, and that makes sense that those moments stayed with you.

Confidence and openness usually don’t come from forcing yourself to suddenly share everything. They often grow from small experiences of feeling accepted when you let others see a little more of what you’re going through.

Opening up doesn’t have to mean sharing everything all at once. Sometimes some people start by sharing their thoughts or feelings after the situation is over or writing messages instead of saying things out loud or even choosing one safe, trusted person and being honest with them in small steps.

You’ve already shown you can reflect deeply, push through difficult seasons, and still work toward growth, and those are really meaningful strengths to have.

I’m really wishing you gentleness with yourself as you continue figuring this out. You deserve support, understanding, and spaces where you don’t have to carry everything alone, okie? Wishing you courage as you take small, safe steps toward opening up :sunflower:

3

Hi! Thanks for ur reply! :blush:

I’ll try to be kinder towards myself, but I still feel really jealous and self-depracating when I see my mom show my younger brother more affection and attention and meanwhile I sometimes feel like I have to beg just to have a conversation with her. I’m wondering if I should confront her about it? Or if I should seek external help from a counsellor or something