Hey @lcb89 ,
You talked about wanting to tell your parents you love them, and at the same time feeling yourself pull back. It reads almost like you’re scared that saying anything too emotional might worry them, especially now that they’re getting older.
It felt like you grew up in a home where keeping the peace was a way of showing love, not adding stress, not troubling them. If that was the model, then it makes sense why affection feels harder than silence. Silence probably felt like the safest way to show gratitude.
And with the bullying you went through… if you handled most of that alone, or felt like home wasn’t the place to bring such pain, your body might have learned early that protecting others from your feelings was part of being “good.”
Even now, trying to express something warm or vulnerable may trigger that old reflex , don’t burden them, keep harmony, hold it inside.
Can I ask gently:
When you try to say something affectionate, does it feel like you’re about to trouble them, or that you might bring up feelings they cannot hold because they’re older now?
And did anyone at home know what happened during those bullying years, or was that something you quietly carried on your own?
You’re not cold. You’re someone who empathises so much with your parents that you would rather suffer inside than risk adding weight to their shoulders. And that says something about your heart, not your lack of it.
Perhaps the step right now, is to give yourself the permission to use this space as means of letting your system know that small moments of connection don’t harm your parents. You don’t need to choose between love and harmony. They can happen together, slowly.
A gentle suggestion, in families like yours, affection can grow through small acts; a drink, a few minutes of sitting together, checking if they’ve eaten. These gentle moments let you care for them without overwhelming yourself or worrying them.
I’m also wondering if part of the block comes from believing your parents are too old to hold anything heavy from you now. But age doesn’t take away a parent’s capacity to support their child. The love you already know they have for you… that doesn’t disappear just because they look more tired or quieter these days. They may not protect you the way they did when you were small, but it doesn’t mean they’ve stopped wanting to back you up emotionally. Sometimes parents want nothing more than to see their child lean on them just a little, because it tells them they still matter.
And about the bullying… dealing with bullies never meant you had to confront them alone. It also meant having a place at home where you could land, be comforted, and slowly find the courage to stand straighter. Bullies often act from their own smallness, low self-worth hiding behind loud behaviour, and they target people who won’t hit back.
Learning to reduce their impact on you doesn’t mean shutting yourself off. Since you already have this level of self-awareness, it tells me there are more resources in you, and in your family, than you might realise. Both you and the people who love you have the capacity to help you heal from what happened.
