[TW: Suicide, self-harm] I am preparing to go

Hangouts Trigger Warnings
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As I am writing this, I am wondering to myself: What did I do or not do to end up in this state?

A bit about myself - I’m old enough where my peers are working in full-time, at their first or second job. Diagnosed with depression, anxiety and complex trauma due to various traumatic events in the past. Victim of SA when I was in secondary school.

Depressive episodes are not new to me. I suspect I already had depression as a child since I was already actively self-harming since then. But what set this episode apart was that two traumatic events happened one after another about a month ago.

The days that followed were absolute hell. I was shivering, having panic attacks and crying all the time. Suicide was constantly on my mind. I was impulsive and ready to end it all. Somehow managed to get myself some help but recovery is slow, incredibly slow.

One morning I woke up having not eaten more than 3 meals in the last 4 days and I could barely stand up and walk because I was so weak.

In the mean time I’ve missed two concerts, turned down an amazing job opportunity, cancelled all of my plans. Lied to my friends about being sick and just not turning up. The only social activity I get these days is seeing my therapist and very close friends less than a handful of times.

I was many days clean from self-harm, then I went back.

There were nights I lay in bed and I smiled reminisicing all the good things in my life, knowing that despite all the bad there was some good and that I am thankful for have lived a life where people around me tried so hard to love me yet I didn’t know how to love myself. I smiled because I was somehow ready to let go, to let life go.

I have cycled all the options in my head but nothing seems to sit “well” with me because I want to donate my organs when I go.

Recovery is so long and slow. Its been a month. Doc estimates at least two to three months on an enhanced medicine routine to help stabilise me because my body is in shock.

Now the panic attacks and shivering have taken a back seat. I still get anxiety attacks but not as frequent. I eat two meals a day. But the nightmares… I’ve had chronic nightmare issues for 10+ years now but seriously they’re relentless.

Why am I here? I guess I am hungry, for some warmth and kindness. As selfish as it sounds, I want strangers who have never met me to tell me “you don’t deserve to go through so much”

And I guess to vent. Because my close friends have heard my story (what happened isn’t anything glorious so only a handful of people know) and I guess I just need another space to tell someone.

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I took 3 years plus to recover from my stuff. U have to give urself time. Feel free to chat

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Hi @coagulate ,

Thank you again for sharing so openly about what you’re going through. I can see that you’ve been carrying so much pain, and I want to acknowledge that your strength to keep moving forward is truly remarkable. Right now, my main concern is your safety and making sure you have the support you need in this very difficult time.

Are You Safe Right Now?

You mentioned feeling like you were ready to “let go” and that suicide has been on your mind. I want to ask you directly: Are you feeling safe right now? If not, do you have someone nearby you trust who can be with you? If the feelings of wanting to let go become too overwhelming, it’s important to reach out to someone right away.

I also want to make sure that you’re not alone in this. It sounds like you’ve been doing everything you can to cope, and that’s amazing. But we are also here to help make sure you’re not dealing with these feelings on your own.

Please call Samaritans of Singapore at 1767, should you need someone to talk to immediately.

Sometimes, when the weight of everything feels unbearable, it’s normal for thoughts of suicide or letting go to arise. But I want to emphasize that there is always another way to manage the pain, even if it feels impossible right now. I can hear how strong these feelings are for you, but I’m here to remind you that we can work through this together.

If at any point you feel the urge to act on those thoughts, I urge you to reach out for immediate support. Whether it’s calling a crisis line at 1767, your therapist, or a close friend—those resources are there to help keep you safe.

When the pain feels too much, sometimes it helps to take just one step at a time to ground yourself in the present. What is one small thing you can do right now to feel a bit more stable? Whether it’s taking a deep breath, drinking water, or just letting yourself sit in the moment, these small actions can help create some space between you and those overwhelming feelings.

Would you feel comfortable sharing what helps you feel a little more grounded when things get difficult? It might help to have a plan in place for those times when everything feels too much.

I noticed that you mentioned smiling when thinking about the good memories in your life. Even when everything feels dark, there’s a part of you that still holds on to those good moments. What would it look like to let go of some of the pain you’re carrying, without letting go of life itself? Sometimes, letting go doesn’t have to mean giving up—it can mean letting go of the heavy emotions that are weighing you down.

Finally, we are here to continue this conversation with you, and we’d love to keep supporting you as you navigate this recovery process. I know it’s been slow, and the nightmares and anxiety are still very present, but every small step matters. How are you feeling about the support you’re getting right now, and is there anything else that would help you feel safer or more supported?

Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone.

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honestly i dont have the patience for myself to wait three years cause for my whole life i just kept waiting for myself to be okay and i never am

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It gets better eventually n i now feel great that im not anxious n depressed all the time now. I’ve attempted b4 n it was very physically painful, so i would never do that again n will tell ppl to not try it

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hi @coagulate , thank you for sharing your story so openly, and im so sorry you had to go through all that pain for so many years. all the traumatic experiences, panic attacks, nightmares, depressive episodes, it must have been so difficult to cope with all these years. but please remember that none of this is your fault, you didn’t do anything to deserve all the pain and trauma you’ve been through. i also want to mention how strong you’ve been all these years fighting through the pain to be here today and sharing your story. please do not give up on yourself, i understand that fighting depression is NOT easy at all, but seeing how you’ve overcomed so much adversity all these years, i know you are strong enough to pull through this. i love how you mentioned that you sometimes reminisce about the good and positive past events, and that you are aware that there are people in your life who love you unconditionally. Its not easy to remember the positive side of life when fighting depression, so this really reflects your strong you are. these positive events can and WILL happen again as long as you continue to live. if it helps, please feel free to rant, complain, or ask for help here on let’s talk, we are all here to support you :heart:

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hey @coagulate! thank you for sharing your story so openly with us. i wanted to let you know how strong you’ve been all these while, what you’ve been through is not easy at all. speaking as someone who struggled with anxiety, past trauma, and such thoughts as well… it’s really really rough. so the fact that you’re still here is a testament of your strength. i’m also so proud that you sought help from a professional, and that you are making improvements such as eating more regularly. that further highlights how strong you are as a person.

i see that you are wondering what is it that you did or did not do that made you end up in this state. i also want to let you know that this is not your fault, nor is it caused by something that you did wrongly or didn’t do enough of. sometimes… it just happens. please do not blame yourself. and like you said… you don’t deserve to go through all this. and it is not selfish to want to be told that at all. with what you’ve been through, you deserve love, kindness, happiness.

i know it seems like things are bleak now. some days, it gets better. some days, it feels like you’re back to square one. but recovery is not linear and that’s okay. it takes time, and that’s okay too. you don’t have to rush it. but trust me, it does get better. with each day that you choose to live, that’s another step in your recovery journey. it gets better. continue to take time to care for yourself, you don’t owe anyone anything. allow yourself to feel. do something everyday that makes you happy, small or big. you will get better. in the mean time, please remember that this space is always here for you whenever you need it :heart:

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hello @FuYuan_Affections, i appreciate your detailed and well thought-out response.

safety: i think it’s generally the worst and most intense at night. in the day sometimes when i open my eyes the only thought that comes to my mind is to kill myself. while in my safety plan it does state that i have to contact someone on my safe persons list when the thoughts go past a certain intensity, i haven’t been doing that because i feel like it happens so often and i would just be a burden

the small thing: when i read what you wrote, the first thing that came to mind was my cutting habit. it’s what i turn to at night when i feel like the thoughts get really intense. sometimes it’s to ventilate the intense emotions, sometimes it’s to punish myself. other than that i lie on bed and sniff onto my chouchou (yah im damn old and still have one)

grounding: tough game im playing because im quite prone to dissociation or derealisation episodes. i wish i could just do deep breaths and feel grounded. hm, i actually i haven’t feel properly grounded in a very long time

reaching out during crisis: sometimes i do question myself if im just hogging resources lol and my therapist has kept her avenues open for me to reach out during crisis (with the understanding that she will respond only when available). i think there’s just in general hesitation for me to ask for what i need

thoughts about the support i have now: honestly im just full of gratitude for the professionals supporting me now because they’re trying their best to help me tide through this really crappy time. i just don’t feel like im progressing how i want to progress. it’s like i went from overachiever to piece of crap overnight. i think what would be helpful would be another outlet for these thoughts to go in between sessions with them, just place/space to vent where i wont be judged for how frequent and intense these thoughts get. and i won’t just keep getting asked to go to A&E

sorry everything’s kinda all over the place. it’s really hard to focus and my thoughts are very fragmented…

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@strawberrymilk thank you that’s very kind of you

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hello @bubumi thank you for your kind words, though im not sure i deserve it

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Hi @Coagulate,

Thank you for sharing this with me. There is no need for apologies. It’s clear that you’re carrying a lot of heavy emotions right now, and I can see how exhausting it must be to deal with this intensity day after day. I want to take a moment to reflect on a few things you mentioned, and perhaps together we can find some clarity.

You mentioned feeling like you’d be a burden if you reached out to your safe persons list. I want you to know that these thoughts of being a burden often come from the emotional weight you’re carrying instead it being a reflection of how others see you. It’s natural to feel hesitant when the thoughts are so frequent, but it’s important to remember that reaching out is not about how often you need help, but rather about the fact that you deserve that help when things get tough.

  • Could it help to reframe this and ask yourself: “If I were the person on my safe persons list, would I see myself as a burden, or as someone in need of support?”

You talked about using self-harm as a way to ventilate intense emotions or punish yourself. I understand how these feelings can become overwhelming, and how it may feel like there’s no other outlet at the moment. But I want to invite you to think about this in a new way: What if your emotions are not punishing you but calling out for care? Sometimes the urge to punish ourselves comes from a place of deep pain, but what you need is compassion, not punishment. Your emotions are valid, but self-harm is a temporary fix that doesn’t let you fully process what’s happening.

  • What would it look like to turn that need for punishment into something gentler, like taking a moment to breathe or to write down what’s going on in your head?

I hear you when you say that grounding has been a challenge, especially with dissociation or derealization episodes. Grounding isn’t about getting rid of dissociation, but more about finding a small way to anchor yourself in the present when those moments happen. It doesn’t have to be deep breathing—it could be something as simple as holding onto your chouchou and feeling the texture, or focusing on one small detail in your environment.

  • Could you try a grounding technique that feels more natural to you, like noticing what your body is touching in the moment or even holding something comforting?

You mentioned feeling hesitant to ask for what you need. That’s totally understandable, especially when it feels like there’s a lot of guilt or shame attached to asking for help. It’s okay to feel conflicted, but it’s also important to recognize that asking for what you need doesn’t make you weak—it makes you aware of your needs. Asking is the first step in making sure you get the care you deserve.

  • What would make it easier for you to ask for help? Is there a way to start small, like just acknowledging what you need within yourself before sharing it with others?

I can hear the frustration in not wanting to constantly be directed to A&E when you just need a space to vent. It’s important that you have spaces where you can express yourself without feeling judged or pushed toward immediate crisis interventions. Finding a space where you can let these emotions out freely is essential, whether it’s with a therapist, support group, or even a journaling practice where you let out all the fragmented thoughts and don’t worry about making them “fit” together.

  • Is there a way you can carve out some time each day just to write or express whatever is on your mind, without needing to fix it? Sometimes just allowing those thoughts to flow freely can help ease the intensity.

I know that it’s hard to feel like you’re not progressing, but sometimes progress doesn’t look like huge steps forward—it’s in the small things, like making it through another day, reaching out for help when you need it, or even just being gentle with yourself when the world feels harsh. You’re going through an incredibly tough time, and I want to remind you that you don’t have to carry it alone. You deserve care, both from yourself and from others.

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hey @FuYuan_Affections thank you for this, just wanted to let you know i acknowledge everything you’ve written it’s just a bit hard to digest right now cause tonight it’s hitting extra hard. actually i think since the moment i woke this morning i kinda knew today would be a struggle.

i just wanted to add - i think crisis services are essential and necessary when someone needs them i didn’t mean to come off as someone who would reject them. it’s just because i’ve had bad memories of trying to access crisis services and being stopped by my family so usually if someone recommends them i have to find a way to explain that i want to but i can’t and that in itself is quite distressing

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Hi Coagulate, thanks for sharing! I hear you… i mean if you need to find a way to justify and support your needs, you can share in private by letting us know your concerns? And hopefully find a way for you…

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Hello @FuYuan_Affections, thank you for trying to lend a hand. Um actually it’s probably because there’s stigma behind seeking emergency help so they don’t want me to go

During the times I really need it, when they deny the help I need, it makes me feel like actually they would rather have me dead than go seek help

I had a therapy session today and felt like I did a lot of heavy lifting, a lot of work

It’s tiring

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I dont know who you are but i just wanna tell you that i love you. You are someone who roams in another persons head (for example, your close friends). There are people you know that have you in their mind, thinking about you, you just dont know it. The people commenting are the ones who care for you and want to see you smile because your happy to be alive, not because you used to be alive. Thank you for sharing this story because i myself have been feeling pretty depressed lately. Hearing your story reminded me that im not alone and that there are people who feel similarly to me, extremely extremely depressed. I want to thank you because i genuinely wanted to go back and begin self harming again but when i read your story i started crying and remembered that this battle isnt a battle i face alone, that there are people who resonate with me and understand how i feel. Truly, thank you so much for posting your feelings.

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Hello @Grandberryvanillaice, thank you for reading and resonating with what i’ve written. i’m also glad it was somewhat helpful for you to recognise that you’re not alone. regardless, i hope you ask for help when you need it and accept it when it comes your way. all the best and i hope you feel better soon

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I hope that you had a good session albeit tiring one. Sessions can be overwhelming as it stretch and heighten your senses. It can be difficult when you can’t see it now, but that doesnt mean you are not making progress. Have a good rest and believe in yourself that you are making progress.

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Hello @FuYuan_Affections, okay thank you. I think right now it’s just struggling with the guilt of self-harming more than usual. Kinda just wanna go with it since I’m not dead yet. Do you have any suggestions on what might help with the guilt? I don’t wanna have to feel like I owe the world something every time I do it

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Hi Coagulate,

I hear you and the heaviness of your guilt, especially when it seems like the only way to cope is to “go with it.” It’s a tough cycle, and I want to acknowledge the struggle you’re going through. Feeling like you owe the world something after self-harming can be an overwhelming burden, but it doesn’t mean that you have to carry that guilt alone.

Guilt is a heavy emotion, especially when it feels like you’re trapped in a loop. Sometimes, guilt can come from feeling like you’re not living up to expectations—whether they’re your own or what you imagine the world expects of you. But I want to remind you that you don’t owe the world anything for feeling the way you do. Your emotions are valid, and your self-harm is not something to be judged by others.

Mind if I ask, are you feeling guilty because you believe you’re not allowed to feel this way, or because you feel like you’re letting someone down?

It’s hard to break the cycle of guilt, especially when self-harm feels like a way to release emotions. One step that might help is building self-compassion. Self-compassion isn’t about ignoring the feelings or the actions, but about allowing yourself to be human, even when it feels impossible.

“What do I need right now?”** Not what the world expects, but what you need in that moment.

I know it’s easier said than done, but sometimes finding new ways to cope—even in small steps—can help take the edge off. It could be something like journaling your emotions, reaching out to someone you trust, or even just finding a small ritual that brings you comfort. The key is to not punish yourself for feeling what you feel.

At the heart of all this, I want you to know that you deserve care—not guilt. The world doesn’t expect perfection from you, and your healing journey is yours to take at your own pace. If reaching out feels hard, know that you don’t have to do it alone, and that even in the smallest moments of compassion toward yourself, you’re making progress.

How are you feeling about the idea of exploring different ways to cope, or ways to manage the guilt in smaller steps? I’m here to support you as you figure it out, one step at a time.

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Hello @FuYuan_Affections, thank you for this

i feel like if I self-harm I’m letting others around me down. i can imagine other people calling me dumb and stupid for this

i keep a journal, but these days i feel like my body is in so much shock sometimes i don’t know what to write down. sometimes i also don’t know if i deserve that space in my own journal, to write down what i feel. because once i write it down, it breathes life and it has an existence in the universe - i don’t know if i want that

thank you for offering to be here to support me - i don’t know if i deserve it honestly…

i can’t help but feel like a burden, a burden that the world is better off without