[TW: Suicide, self-harm] I am preparing to go

Hangouts Trigger Warnings
22

Hi @Coagulate,

I’m really grateful that you’re allowing me to share this space with you. I hear you, and I can feel how heavy it must be to carry that guilt of feeling like you’re letting others down. But I want you to know your self-harming is a response to suffering , and you deserve compassion for what you’re going through, not judgment.

I want to remind you that you’re not a burden for feeling the way you do. Your emotions, your struggles—they matter, and you don’t owe the world something just because you’re hurting.

What would it feel like to give yourself permission —on healing—and not on what others might think.

It sounds like journaling has been tough lately, especially when it feels like writing down your thoughts makes them too real. But here’s the thing—you deserve that space, even when it feels overwhelming. Your feelings deserve to exist. Writing them down doesn’t make them any less valid or important. It’s okay to let them have a voice, even when it’s hard to face them.

I know you’re feeling a lot of guilt right now, and it’s tough to shake that off. But what if we tried to look at that guilt differently? What if, instead of seeing it as a weight to carry, we saw it as a sign that you’re trying your best to manage something really difficult? Self-harm might feel like the only way to cope right now, but it doesn’t make you less worthy of love, care, or support.

You mentioned feeling like you don’t deserve the support I’m offering—and I want to push back on that gently. You absolutely deserve it. You deserve to be heard, to be cared for, and to know that your pain doesn’t make you less worthy. I’m here to remind you that just because it’s hard right now doesn’t mean you’re any less deserving of space to heal.

What would it look like for you to accept a little support today, even in the smallest way

You’re not alone in this. And it’s okay to take things one small step at a time. We are here, and we are proud of you for sharing this with me.

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Hello @FuYuan_Affections, you mentioned about one small thing i could do to accept support - i went to see my therapist today. i still feel an immense amount of guilt when i shared that i had plans to die, and when i was discussing it with her i could feel the guilt consuming me, filling all the cells in my body

i started to try to write a little again. just one sentence or two. short ones. it’s not sunshine and rainbows, it’s just to detail my pain

there is something i want to reflect about though - i started tearing up when i talked about my own plans. am i sad to die? am i said because my friends are gonna be sad? am i sad because i feel like im letting my therapist down? I dont know what this means, i just know it evoked some kind of emotion

i did go and try to find another pair of scissors to sh though but i wasn’t successful. i read somewhere that scissors is a good way to help someone sh but still not do serious damage

there is something i wanted to ask you - sometimes i do feel bad when my professionals check in and ask how’s the progress on what we’re working on, and how my body is taking it, i hesitate to say that it’s not going well, because i don’t want them to feel like it’s a commentary that they’re not good at what they’re doing. internally it’s just because what’s going on is so much… that i’m genuinely not doing okay. i love them and im grateful for everything they’re doing for me. from a professional’s perspective, how does it feel when you’re trying your best and you want your client to feel better too but actually they’re not ok?

thank you for ur affirmations and taking time to write down lengthy responses. they’re not unnoticed, it’s just difficult for me to see the good in things now

24

Hi @coagulate,

It sounds like this script you’ve internalized goes back a long way, possibly to when you were much younger. It seems you’ve been exposed to a pattern where you’ve felt the weight of disappointing others, or a sense of not living up to expectations. This burden may have led you to suppress your own needs, emotions, or even joy, just to ensure others around you aren’t let down.

When you hesitate to tell your professionals that things aren’t going well, it feels like a continuation of that script—protecting others from discomfort, while potentially denying yourself the chance to fully express what’s happening. It’s as though you carry the responsibility for their feelings, which isn’t something you need to do, especially in this kind of professional relationship.

Shifting the Narrative:

You deserve to be honest about how you’re really feeling. This honesty is not a reflection of anyone’s skill or abilities but simply a reflection of where you are on your journey. Your professionals expect that not every step will be smooth and that progress can be slow. They’re not measuring their worth based on your progress—they are there to support you, no matter what pace you’re moving at. Holding back not only prevents them from helping you more effectively but also reinforces the idea that you need to carry this burden alone.

Rewriting the Script:

This long-held belief that you need to sacrifice your own needs or joys for others is an old script that you’ve likely lived with for a long time. But it doesn’t need to define how you navigate relationships today—especially relationships where people are explicitly there to support you. What if, instead of protecting others, you allowed yourself to ask for and receive what you need?

The Professional’s Perspective:

From a professional’s standpoint, it’s perfectly normal and expected that there will be times when things don’t go as planned or when progress is slow. What’s most helpful is when clients share those honest experiences, so we can adjust and meet their needs better. It’s never about our own performance or feeling hurt by a lack of progress—we’re here to help you navigate through it.

Reflect on This:

  • How much of this script is about protecting others from the reality of your struggles, and what would it look like if you allowed yourself to be more open?
  • What would it feel like to let go of the idea that you’re responsible for how others perceive your progress?

You deserve to share your reality without the fear of being a burden or letting anyone down.

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Hello @FuYuan_Affections, yeah I think this narrative has been following me for a long time. it makes it quite difficult for me to properly ask for help without feeling guilty or feeling like i need to be punished.

My reflections:
How much of this script is about protecting others from the reality of your struggles, and what would it look like if you allowed yourself to be more open?

  • i thnk the general conception is that whatever im going through is too much for someone to handle. i get shamed at home for reaching out as well because “we should not air dirty laundry” (and ironically, here i am posting it for the whole internet to see). i think because of this struggle i also sometimes don’t get the help i actually need because i can’t articulate it properly and often downplay my own problems. i think that’s why a lot of the time my friends perhaps don’t understand the severity of what i’m going through not because they don’t want to but because i’m not providing enough information.
  • i think my openness towards people extends mostly towards trying to be honest to my therapist, psychiatrist. luckily (or unluckily) for me i haven’t suffered too much in terms of interpersonal relationships because i have this thing where i reveal just enough for the person to trust me and create a sense of closeness but i don’t feel the same towards them. i don’t misuse their trust, nor manipulate them to do anything. i do love and am grateful for the genuine connections in my life and i appreciate that people trust me. it’s just difficult for me to be a recipient of the goodness of relationships.
  • do you have examples of tiny steps i can take so i can allow myself to receive care and support?

What would it feel like to let go of the idea that you’re responsible for how others perceive your progress?

  • i took a while to think about this because i actually don’t really know what it’s like to live by my own standards. i tend to hear from others that my standards for myself are sooo high. i think while it produces good work it creates opportunities for me to exploit myself or for others to exploit me. so, i dont think i have a good answer for you now…

um, even at this point i still don’t know whether i should be here asking for help. but at any point if it gets too much or you don’t have capacity anymore, do let me know

26

Hi @coagulate,

First, I want to apologize for making assumptions or inferences about your past in my previous response. I realize now it may have been premature, and I want to acknowledge how delicate and personal these matters are. Your openness is something I deeply respect, and I appreciate you sharing as much as you have. I also understand that revealing what feels like “dirty laundry” can be overwhelming, especially in a public forum, and I want to acknowledge the emotional weight that might bring.

That being said, please know that there’s no obligation to share anything you’re not comfortable with. You’re in control of what you reveal, and this space is here for you when you feel ready. If you want to explore more, I’m here to listen without judgment.

You mentioned that you feel grateful for the genuine connections in your life, and that’s heartening to hear. At the same time, it sounds like receiving care and support from those relationships feels more difficult for you. I wonder what makes receiving that goodness challenging for you? Sometimes, when we struggle with accepting support, there are deeper feelings beneath it—what do you think comes up for you in those moments?

Another thing you mentioned is the idea of not knowing what it’s like to live by your own standards. That sounds like a significant and complex feeling. How do you feel about the idea of creating space for your own values and ways of living, without those pressures?

There’s no rush, and you’re not expected to have all the answers. I’m genuinely curious about your reflections, but you lead this conversation at your own pace, and I’m here to follow and support you.

Take care, and thank you again for your continued trust.

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hello @FuYuan_Affections, it’s okay you don’t have to apologise. i’m already very grateful that you’re taking time to type out these lengthy and well thought-out responses to me.

i think the struggle with accepting support stems from me struggling to feel worthy as a person… a lot of times i wish i could take up less physical and emotional space because i feel like im a burden to this world and it’d be a better place without me

i think creating a space with my own values and standards is probably a long long journey and probably starts with me trying to figure out what i want which one of my past counsellors kinda deduced that… actually maybe i don’t even know what i want?

still fighting it, still seeing my professionals, therapist asked me to let her know if i wanna get admitted, i don’t want to

dark days are sure long and winding

28

Hi @Coagulate,

Thank you for your kind words, and I truly appreciate your continued openness in sharing what you’re going through. You’re definitely not a burden here, and I want to remind you that your voice and experiences are valuable.

I know you mentioned feeling like you’re struggling to find what you want, and that’s completely okay. It’s not uncommon to feel unsure about what we want out of life, especially when things feel overwhelming or uncertain. The important thing is that you’re still here, showing up and doing the best you can—even on those long and winding dark days.

One thing that might help is to focus less on having everything figured out and instead pay attention to what you’re doing daily. Sometimes, the process of what we do each day—our small, daily habits and actions—can give us more clarity about our values and what matters to us over time. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. Just taking things one day at a time, and making sure those days are guided by small actions that align with who you want to be, can help you gradually feel more in tune with your own needs.

You mentioned that creating a space with your own values is a long journey, and that’s absolutely true. It takes time, and it’s fine if you don’t know what your values or goals are just yet. But every time you reflect on what you’re doing or take small steps toward something that feels right for you, you’re already on that path.

I also wanted to touch on something you shared about struggling to accept support because you don’t feel worthy. That’s such a heavy burden to carry, and it makes me wonder how long you’ve felt that way—like you have to take up less space or that others are more deserving of help than you are. You’ve already shown so much strength by continuing to fight through these tough days, and I want to remind you that accepting support doesn’t make you a burden. In fact, it’s one of the ways we show ourselves that we’re deserving of care, just like anyone else.

Do you find that you often look back at the past or focus on the future? Sometimes, when we spend too much time in those places, it can take us away from what we can actually control—our actions today, right now. What would it be like if you could focus on today, just for now?

Thank you again for trusting me with your thoughts, and we’ll continue to be here for you. If there’s anything specific you’d like to explore more, feel free to share—but also know there’s no pressure to go into anything you’re not ready for.

29

Hi @coagulate
Thank you for sharing this and I really think is brave for you to share your story here and I truly thank you for this. It must have been tough on you going through alot of these difficult moments through these years. Although our lives are different, but I want to tell you, you are not alone in this world. I believe our age are pretty close, my peers are already in their first or second job while I am still unemployed, feeling hopeless at home. I too felt that I might be having depression and anxiety because I have done many online quizzes and based on my symptoms I am pretty much there but I never had the courage to get diagnosed because of the stigma. I never felt satisfied with life especially these 10+ years. I keep feeling shameful and beat myself up for almost everything, trying to look for the love i crave for. As I get older, i knew the concept of self love is best love but I never once felt it before maybe because idk what is love even. And when I felt really down, I used to have those thoughts as well. But reading your post makes me feel I am not alone and I really want to tell you as well you are not alone! Lets fight this together shall we :slight_smile:

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Hello @FuYuan_Affections, i feel like im a defective product. i feel like my peers have all (of course this is kinda a generic statement since everyone is on their own journey) moved on. they’ve all built some sense of self and have some level of self-worth. yet i can only seem to feel disgust with myself. i think i’ve felt this way for a long time, as long as i can remember. and i think being bullied in the past only seemed to reinforce those beliefs…

i think recently my head space is mostly in the past - i guess kinda stuck in the traumatic events that happened recently. these events happened in the family, but somehow nobody thinks it’s as traumatic as i made it out to be. and they’re making it sound like it’s my fault for being affected. so i’m just masking on a daily basis and trying to pretend that things are fine when they are not. all the pretending is tiring

family is truly so tough to navigate. and they make me feel resentful sometimes because they’ve ruined my impression of relationships and what a family should be like. i was constantly parentified since i was a child and recently my therapist told me that there was emotional neglect - which im actually struggling to come to terms with because it’s a bit hard to imagine that my parents didn’t do a good job at parenting, when they’re the only parents i’ve ever known

i’m honestly terrified of the future, and maybe that’s why i don’t want one to begin with

31

Hi @Coagulate,

First, I want to acknowledge how heavy all of this must feel for you. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of emotional weight, and it’s incredibly draining to feel like you’re constantly pretending everything is fine when it’s not. I hear you when you say you feel like a “defective product,” and I know how powerful that belief can be, but I want to gently suggest that you are not broken or defective in any way. It’s easy to feel that way, especially after experiencing things like bullying and emotional neglect, but those experiences don’t define your worth.

It’s okay to feel stuck in the past—those events that affected you are real, and just because others don’t acknowledge how traumatic they were doesn’t mean your feelings are any less valid. Trauma impacts everyone differently, and what you’re feeling is valid. It’s important to honor that experience and not minimize it just because others might.

I also noticed that you’ve been hard on yourself for feeling disgust with who you are. But if you can, I’d like to invite you to try something: what if you could offer yourself a little kindness, just as you would offer to someone else who’s struggling? Imagine if a friend came to you feeling the way you’re feeling—would you tell them they were defective, or would you offer them compassion and understanding? You deserve that same kindness from yourself.

It sounds like your family’s dynamics have deeply shaped how you see relationships and yourself, and that’s tough. Being parentified and emotionally neglected leaves scars that are hard to heal. Your therapist mentioned emotional neglect, and I can understand why that’s hard to accept—it’s difficult to reconcile that the people who were supposed to care for us may not have done so in the ways we needed. But accepting that doesn’t mean you’re betraying your family; it means you’re acknowledging the truth of your experience, and that’s the first step toward healing.

You mentioned feeling terrified of the future, and I think that makes sense. When you’ve been through so much and feel stuck in the past, it can be hard to see a path forward. But I want to remind you that the future doesn’t have to be something to fear. It can be shaped by how you take care of yourself today—by the little steps you take toward healing, even if it’s just acknowledging that your pain is real and that you deserve care and kindness.

Is there a way we can start small? Maybe focusing on how you feel in the present rather than worrying about the future just yet? Or even practicing a little bit of self-compassion each day—whether it’s allowing yourself to feel your emotions without judgment or finding one thing about yourself that you appreciate?

You don’t have to rush this process. Healing takes time, and you’re not expected to have all the answers. I’m here to support you, and we can take this one step at a time.

Take care of yourself, and thank you for sharing so openly.

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Hello @FuYuan_Affections, i appreciate the attention to detail you have when you read my posts

you mentioned self-compassion, allowing myself to feel what i feel without judgement… i think something that’s helpful for me sometimes is to cry freely and feel the pain. but since the second traumatic incident that happened a month or so ago, i stopped being able to cry, almost at all. it’s like i became terrified of the impact of my crying on other people. now even when i’m alone i don’t cry. and i don’t cry much with my therapist to begin with because it’s just difficult for me to feel like i can make space for my emotions

i would very much like to cry again just to ventilate some of the pain im feeling

what would you suggest?

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Hi @Coagulate,

I appreciate you sharing this part of your experience with me. It sounds like crying once served as a powerful way to release the pain you were feeling, but something shifted after the second traumatic incident, making it hard for you to access that release. That makes a lot of sense, especially when you’re feeling like your emotions could impact others. It sounds like there’s been a layer of fear or self-protection that’s developed around your emotions, and it’s keeping them from flowing as naturally as they used to.

You mentioned wanting to cry again to ventilate the pain, and I think that shows a lot of self-awareness. It sounds like your emotions are still there, but they’re being held back, maybe out of fear of burdening others, or maybe because you’re trying to protect yourself from feeling overwhelmed. Both are very human responses to trauma.

I wonder—what if we took a different approach to this? Instead of focusing on trying to cry or release the emotions in that way, what if you gave yourself permission to sit with whatever comes up, without needing to push yourself? For now, maybe just letting yourself be with the discomfort or tension might help…

The crying might come naturally again when it feels right and safe for you.

Sometimes, when we hold emotions back for a while, we also hold back the way we’ve learned to release them. But it’s okay to take this process slowly. You’re not doing anything wrong by feeling like you can’t cry. Your emotions are still valid, and they deserve space, even if you’re not ready to express them fully yet.

If you feel comfortable, I would also suggest creating a space that feels emotionally safe for you. Whether it’s through journaling, art, music, or another form of expression, finding small ways to let your feelings exist without judgment can sometimes make it easier to reconnect with them. Even small moments of acknowledgment, like “I feel sad right now, and that’s okay,” can help your emotions feel welcome.

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hello @FuYuan_Affections, i think i’ve heard from my past therapist to learn how to sit with the emotion first and you’ve rightfully pointed out that that’s a muscle that needs training. because when it comes to emotions i find that i either block myself off and suppress them or i find the tiniest amount of distress to be dangerous. either way, i tend to dissociate when this happens.

i think i’m a baby with this. any emotion other than joy is not tolerated at home. in fact i was shamed for crying and blamed for being angry. so there’s not a whole lot of healthy references for me to learn how to welcome these emotions.

sorry if i’m sharing too much…

i’ll try to get back to art when i have energy again… for now i feel disgusted at myself for even wanting to pen or draw anything. i guess amongst all the sadness/hopelessness, there’s also anger and resentment that all the traumatic things had to happen and i often wonder… why me…

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Hi @Coagulate,

Thank you for sharing so openly, and please don’t apologize. I deeply respect your willingness to open up about these complex feelings, especially considering how much you’ve had to suppress them over the years.

I hear you on how hard it must be to navigate emotions that were never welcomed at home. When we grow up in environments where sadness or anger is shamed, it’s understandable that sitting with these emotions feels unfamiliar or even dangerous. It’s like learning a new language—the “language of emotions”—and it takes time, patience, and a lot of compassion.

You mentioned that crying used to help you release some of the pain, but it’s become difficult since your recent trauma. I think it’s important to acknowledge that your body might be protecting you in ways it knows how. When emotions become overwhelming, our minds and bodies sometimes shut down as a survival mechanism. That’s where dissociation can come in, and it’s your mind’s way of protecting you. But it’s also okay to want to cry again, to release some of that weight.

The anger and resentment you feel are valid, and it makes sense that you’d wonder, “why me?” after going through so much. That anger deserves attention too, not judgment. Have you ever tried letting yourself write or draw about the anger — not to create something “beautiful,” but just to get those emotions out in a different form? Sometimes, when we express what’s hard, even if it’s messy or imperfect, it makes a little more space for us to process what’s happening inside.

I also want to remind you that sitting with your emotions doesn’t mean forcing them. It means gently acknowledging them without trying to push them away. You’re allowed to feel what you feel, and those feelings don’t make you defective in any way. You’re human, and that comes with the full range of emotions, even if those emotions were shamed in the past.

You deserve space to feel without being judged—both by others and by yourself. Take your time with it, and know that it’s okay to go slowly. You’re already taking steps just by sharing here. Give yourself time, then let us know how things feel for you, and if you’re ready to ease back into art when the time comes, it’s there for you. No pressure to be perfect, just space to express. Take care.

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hello @FuYuan_Affections, some stuff happened again recently and it’s making me retreat into my dark hole where there’s no light, and nobody.

due to some family events happening soon, i stopped myself from cutting because i don’t need to get in trouble for that, but because i lost something that was effective for coping, i’m getting very irritable and i get sent out of my window of tolerance very easily.

i did make it for therapy today though even though i wanted to skip it. my therapist said that it’s the deepest we’ve ever went and i think she meant it as a good thing.

i’m still not confident to trash my unaliving plan yet. without being able to cut it’s making me more impulsive and sometimes these emotions are like a tornado

i actually don’t really know what expressing anger looks like for me? so i might have to sit on that

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Hi @Coagulate,

I can tell how hard things have been for you lately, and I want to acknowledge that it takes strength to stop cutting, even when it feels like the emotions are just swirling around like a tornado. It’s a big deal that you’re taking this step, especially with the family events coming up, and I know that it’s adding to the pressure.

I understand that without cutting, things feel even more intense. It’s completely normal to feel irritable and out of control when a coping mechanism is removed, especially when it’s been effective at managing the pain, even though it’s harmful. But the fact that you’re recognizing this and still made it to therapy—even when you wanted to skip it—shows that you’re committed to this journey, even if it feels difficult right now.

I hear you when you say you’re not confident about letting go of your plan to self-harm.
It’s a lot to ask of yourself all at once. But what you’ve done already by stopping, even for a short time, is a step in the right direction. While you hesitate trashing the plan all at once, maybe we can take small steps together in figuring out what could help ease the intensity of these emotions?

You mentioned feeling blocked when it comes to expressing anger, and that makes total sense, especially if you didn’t have any healthy examples of what that looks like growing up. Anger is a tough emotion, but it’s also a natural one. It’s okay to be angry—it doesn’t mean you’re out of control, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. What do you think it might look like to express that anger in a way that feels safe for you? It could be drawing, writing (even if you don’t share it with anyone), or even doing something physical, like punching a pillow or going for a run.

Just exploring what works for you, little by little, makes a huge difference. And if it’s overwhelming, we can go at your pace. The key here is learning to make space for your emotions, not to push them away or act on them impulsively, but to sit with them and let them be, without judgment. It’s tough, I know, but with time, you’ll find that your emotions are just part of you, not the whole of you.

You’ve been through so much, and your feelings are absolutely valid, even if others have made you feel like they aren’t. I hope you can start to allow yourself to feel without needing to apologize or explain. You deserve that space. Take care.

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Hello @FuYuan_Affections, its been over two weeks since I wrote my first post and you’re still here. I don’t know if I can ever express the amount of gratitude I feel towards your thoughtfulness and well thought-out replies

The family event is going to be intense. Someone’s visiting from overseas and I’m going to have to be around family a lot. It’s going to be really stressful and I don’t really want them asking questions on why I keep staying at home. I’m quite scared that being around them so much will drive me nearer to the edge and one day I might just snap…

Sometimes I find that the overwhelming emotions come randomly, or I might be triggered by a flashback. And I feel so disempowered. I also tend to dissociate and it’s hard to be fully present. Sometimes dissociating is just more comfortable though.

If I dissociate, do you feel like I should let myself be? Or should I try to ground myself? I’ve tried lots of grounding things and they don’t really work for me.

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Your words brings me to tears, I too suspect I have depression and anxiety since young tho because of bullying and being excluded many times in my schooling years, tho I never got the help I needed so desperately even now(I even once tried to attempted (when I was a lot younger but no one knew because I somehow got this urge to vomit all the meds that i tried to overdosed on after that I’ve never try again even tho I still think about suicide tho its mostly passively) I also self harm even to this day.

So I just want to say that no one deserves to go through things like that but I hope and pray that you will never lose the hope that you can get better and love yourself and your life again

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thank you @Wira

i think im slowly losing hope

life keeps eating me up and i’m tired of fighting back

41

Yeah, the brain wants to die but the body wants to live. I just kept vomiting out wat i od, i think it was a mistake to take pills to not vomit at the a&e. Wont do that again cuz it was physically painful n i became retarded for 1 year. Recovered to the point im not suicidal anymore, the thoughts do come back when life gets hard but i created a list of things to live for which helps to make the suicidal thoughts to go away