Hello, thanks for making the effort to read this message! It’s quite long, though! (IM NOT TARGETING ANYONE!! Pls msg me if u feel like I am. Tks! :3 )
Depression is nothing new to me. Come to think of it, I feel like Ive already had depression since I was 4 as I was already self-harming since then. But what caused that was something that happened when I was 4, which had really traumatised me. And yes, I still think about it. I just can’t get it off my mind, especially since I feel like it was all my fault.
The days that followed were absolute hell. I was self-harming, having anxiety and random mental breakdowns, and crying all the time. Suicide was constantly on my mind. But at that time I was only 4, so there was nothing I could do. But as I grew up, suicide was nearing. I was just THIS close to just doing so. Now, I I try to keep away from suicide, but I can never keep away from self-harm, for some reason.
One morning I woke up, feeling dizzy and light headed because I only slept for 2 hours, as I spent the whole night crying. I could barely stand up and walk because I was so weak and tired. I even still felt like crying. Although I couldn’t walk, I forced myself to. Because I didn’t want anyone to know. I couldn’t let anyone know.
I was many days clean from self-harm because life was slowly getting better and I was a little more happier, but then for some reason, I went back. And now, I just can’t stop it. It’s like a habit now.
There were some good and relaxing nights where i just laid in bed and smiled, thinking about all the good things in my life, knowing that despite all the bad there was some good, which I am really grateful for. I am really very thankful for the people around me who have tried so hard to love me and care for me, but yet I didn’t love myself, because I never thought that I deserved to do so. It’s not because I didn’t know HOW to love myself, but because I don’t think I deserve to. And of course, there were MANY MANY nights where I just laid in bed, unable to sleep, crying and apologising for simply just living, and for everything I’ve done.
I don’t even have therapy, or meds/pills, because no one knows about my depression. Not my parents, nor my friends, nor my teachers. Well, maybe only my closest friends whom I REALLY REALLY trust with my entire being. (which isn’t really a lot now.)
Now my anxiety is slowly getting better. I still get panic attacks, but it is quite rare for it to happen now. I guess that’s a good thing, right? Only when something happens to me that gives me flashbacks, that’s where my anxiety kicks in. And I get depression when something…well, depressing happens. And when I get depression, I just suddenly break down into tears immediately, not being able to stop it. I eat two meals a day. But the nightmares… I’ve had chronic nightmare issues for at least 7 years now but seriously they’re relentless.
When I get depression, its either I break down into tears suddenly without getting to stop it, or I get light-headed. I don’t faint, because the light-headed symptom usually happens when I’m at home, so I just lay down and I fall asleep for about 3-4 hours. I guess the nap helps. A little. But none of my family members know about my depression, so when they see me sleeping they just think that i’m tired. My mum has depression, and its getting better. But when hers happens, she’d stay in her room the whole day, sleeping. I don’t blame her, though. Because from what I’ve experienced, it kind of helps.
I have 3 siblings, one older brother and two younger-sister and brother. And unlike my older brother who bullies me because he hates me, I bully my younger siblings not because I hate them, no. It’s because I’m jealous and scared. I’m scared that my parents will not love me anymore. I have a step-dad, and he doesn’t even have photos of me or anything that regards to me. And I keep thinking: Is it because I’m not his biological daughter and he hates me? And now my (biological) mom has more photos of my little siblings, but not me. And she participates in activities that happens in their school, but not mine. She just keeps saying shes busy. So I just let her be. And everything they do, its always my fault. And I cant even put the blame on anyone.
My mom keeps telling me that there are people that love me, but its just that I don’t love myself. I know, but after everything I’ve done, I don’t think I deserve to love myself. Its just like no one understands anymore.
Why am I here? I guess I feel like I want to end my life, and I’m just hoping that there are people here that can help me. Well, at least comfort me. Okay uh, maybe this sound KINDDD of selfish, but I think I need it. Hopefully it can help me. So far, this has helped me quite a lot. And I’m really thankful. And dear whoever is reading this now, thank you so much for doing so. Thank you for making the effort to read through this LONNGGGGGG message. :3
Only my close friends have heard my story. I get close to people quite easily as I’m an extrovert, so um, quite a lot of people know as I’ve had quite a lot of close friends.
But even some of my closest friends are slowly fading away, but I don’t blame them. I know its my fault that they’re doing so.
I have something I wanna say to my friends: I’m sorry, I know its my fault. Sorry for all that I’ve done, and thank you for being there for me through good times and bad.
-d.