i’m so tired. idk what is wrong with me but tbh I just couldn’t feel happy for whatever I do, dark thoughts just lingers in my mind throughout the day even when sometimes things are fine. I am always preparing myself to expect the worst of people and things that might possibly happen and dwell on it which kind of affects me alot. Recently, I also have the tendency to keep myself super busy even though I don’t truly enjoy it and I am not sure why. The only reason I could think of is maybe I just couldn’t sit with myself and feel those feelings because in some way maybe I shouldn’t be feeling like that. Like what am i sad for? what am I so stress about? Tbh deep inside i call it a “suicide mission” where I make myself super busy and so I could justify to others or even just to myself why I’m feeling this certain way, so if anything happens, it would make more sense to others and that whatever happened to me is valid? idk or maybe I just want to involve myself in alot of stuff just to show people that im living my life and doing good even when its not true. idk if this make any sense but yea. I also realized that I do tend to just think about suicide and self-harm whenever things are going wrong or when i feel useless or shitty, the scenario of me sitting on the ledge and all, it’s so tiring like…idk… I don’t feel normal anymore. I really want to share this thoughts and feelings that I have with my friends but I am sure they would be just stunned and speechless. Everyone is already stressed enough about their own life and studies that its selfish of me to just put or share this emotional burden on them. I just want a day where I don’t feel like falling apart and I really wanna disappear like I’ve never existed.
Hi anonymous394
Thank you for coming forward and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings so courageously and openly. I am sad to hear about how much you are struggling and I want to acknowledge that your current heavy and overwhelming feelings are fully understandable and valid.
Sadly, it has been a difficult period for you. However, please do not feel alone. Many among us have struggled with similar thoughts and feelings and shown that these can be overcome by taking small daily steps towards a better future ahead. 
May I share some insights I gather from what you shared? It sounds like you’re carrying a significant emotional burden, and the persistent dark thoughts have been incredibly exhausting. Here are some key points that may help you to increase awareness of the current experiences and patterns:
- Constant Vigilance: Preparing for the worst can create a cycle of anxiety and negativity. This mindset can prevent you from enjoying positive experiences and can lead to feelings of hopelessness.
- Busyness as a Coping Mechanism: Keeping yourself busy can serve as a distraction from your emotions, but it can also lead to burnout and a sense of emptiness. It’s common to feel like you need to justify your feelings by staying active, but this can prevent you from addressing the root causes of your distress.
- Suicidal Thoughts: The recurring thoughts of self-harm and suicide are serious and indicate that you’re in a lot of pain. It’s crucial to take these thoughts seriously and seek help to navigate through them.
You mentioned wanting to share your feelings with friends but feeling hesitant to burden them. It’s understandable to worry about others, but it’s also important to remember that true friends often want to support you. Sharing your struggles can foster deeper connections and may even encourage others to open up about their own challenges.
To find a path forward, I encourage you to :
a)Show yourself self compassion
It’s essential to be kind to yourself. Recognize that it’s okay to feel sad, overwhelmed, or lost. You don’t need to justify your feelings or compare them to others’ struggles.
b)Journaling
Writing down your thoughts can help you process your emotions. It can also serve as a safe space to explore your feelings without judgment.
c)Seeking Support
Talking to a mental health professional can provide you with a safe environment to express your feelings and develop coping strategies. Therapists can help you explore the underlying causes of your emotions and work with you to find healthier ways to cope.
d)Reach out if you feel comfortable and consider sharing your feelings with a trusted friend. You might be surprised by their willingness to listen and support you. You can frame it as needing someone to talk to rather than placing a burden on them.
e)Practicing mindfulness or relaxation techniques can help you stay grounded and reduce anxiety. Simple practices like deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can be beneficial.
f)While staying busy can be a distraction, it’s important to find a balance. Allow yourself time to rest and reflect without feeling guilty.
g) Even if it feels challenging, try to engage in activities that bring you joy or relaxation. This could be anything from reading, drawing, or spending time in nature.
h)Creating a daily routine that includes time for self-care, relaxation, and social interaction can help provide structure and stability.
I believe you are navigating a complex emotional landscape, and it’s important to take your feelings seriously. Remember that you deserve support and understanding, and there are people and resources available to help you through this challenging time. You are not alone in your struggles, and reaching out for help is a brave and positive step toward healing. If you ever feel overwhelmed or in crisis, please consider contacting a mental health professional or a crisis hotline such as the SOS hotline at 1767. Your life is precious, anonymous394, and there is hope for your brighter future. Keep going, take small steps towards recovery.
Hey @anonymous394 , thanks for sharing this and I’m sorry you constantly feel that way…Must feel so stressful and frustrating ugh. I can imagine the struggle you have deep inside but yet you can’t or maybe don’t want to show it out, just not to worry others, which shows a caring side of you as well 
I can relate a bit on the keeping yourself busy to not think about things, as I have the constant need to keep on being busy, yet always finding excuses or complaining how tired or not enough time to do things etc. At one point, I find it to be an escape mechanism for myself to face my own feelings… On another point of view, I can see you are working so hard in life and I admire you for that 
But at the same time, I can hear that it is draining you so much that it leads you to feel complete exhaustion. Just wanted to say that your tiredness, your feelings, your dedication, all are valid and if you ever feel like venting out, I’m at all ears here. Thanks for being caring towards others and I hope you can give the same love towards yourself too!
Hi! Thank you for sharing. It is very tough to struggle daily with dark thoughts.
In the post, you mentioned that you don’t think it is right to think/feel in a certain way. Just want to send some virtual hugs. It is okay to be not okay. In fact, many people also struggled with mental health. Thus, you are not alone in this. It is normal to feel negatively.
You also mentioned that you are afraid to share this emotional burden. In the past, I used to be have similar mindset. However, after I opened up, I realised that some of my friends also felt a form of connection. It eventually reduced all our stress by venting out how we felt.
However, I also understood your concerns. Feel free to reach out to us. We are always here for you. It is also okay to be not okay.