Hi, everything im about to say is probably really stupid I came here to talk about this because i’ve been feeling these feelings for a while and was wondering if it was normal. Ever since I was around 12 and up until now, I don’t really get along with my mom. I love her so much and I know I do but for some reason I always have this lingering feeling that I don’t. I started to realise that my family and I have issues with communication and tend to have very heated arguments. I obviously love them and we have our bonding and silly moments. When the fights do happen though, it gets heated that I cry and get so frustrated and for some reason the only thoughts that fill my head are anger and what life will be like if I was just gone. I have thought of self harm before but I am terrified of it and I think back about if I really do want my life to end. I mean, I made it this far in life and have a loving family and that’s everything I could’ve asked for. I hate myself for being so sensitive and having all these horrible thoughts. I can’t help but feel like im not being appreciative of my life and family. The worse part is that when I know that I can be happy. I can be deemed a normal healthy human being. I only feel these intense emotions when I am extremely upset and that’s so stupid. Im so selfish and I hate myself for it. Nowadays, I just feel like im living just to get through life. I don’t know what my goal is anymore and I can’t help but notice that what once used to excite me and make me happy are slowly no longer doing those things. I just sometimes feel like I want to lie in bed and stay there forever. I don’t know if these feelings are normal but every time I get concerned with myself I ask myself if im just being over dramatic and a sensitive idiot. I cry over the smallest of things and I noticed that ive been more agitated and annoyed. It just feels so wrong to me that I have these thoughts and emotions when I know im very lucky to be healthy and in a wonderful family I can come home to. I used to always vent these feelings out in my phones notes app and they have been going for a few years now. I struggle with how I look aswell. I can’t go a long time without checking a mirror or being anxious with the way I look. I get persistent and intrusive thoughts about perceived flaws or defects in my body.I often disengage myself in social activities because of concerns about my appearance. I also feel like my personality is changing and I just can’t help but feel sad about it. I lack empathy now and i get so annoyed at people for absolutely no reason. I can smile, laugh, feel happy, and talk to people normally so I really don’t get why I feel this so strongly when im hurt deeply emotionally.
Dear user3071
Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and intense feelings with me. It takes a huge dose of courage to be honest and open about your struggles.
Firstly, please know that your feelings are fully valid and not stupid at all. It’s 100% normal to have complex emotions, especially during difficult times.
I believe the following could help you as you navigate the challenges and struggles you are facing 
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Most families comprise of members with different temperaments and personalities - and this adds to the complexity present in families. You have articulated it very well - there are both good and bad times. While the good times are the best and everyone is bonded and united, the challenging times understandably deeply affect you especially when there are heated arguments which fill you with doubt and hurt. Understandably this family dynamics is taking a toll on your well-being. Consider seeking family therapy to address these issues.
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You’re experiencing intense emotions, which can be overwhelming. To achieve emotional regulation, practise self-compassion, and explore healthy coping mechanisms like mindfulness, exercise, or creative activities. Speak to a counsellor who can help you regulate emotions.
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Your struggles with appearance and perceived flaws are common. Please do consider seeking help from a therapist or counsellor to address these issues.
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As for personality changes, it is normal for personalities to evolve. In fact everyday, you are learning new things and thus adjusting how you see yourself and the world. I suggest you can write down some of your strengths, what you want to achieve and and areas of development. Also, with daily mindfulness and reflection, you can achieve greater self awareness. Again, speaking with a counsellor who can facilitate this processing could prove useful.
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Take small steps to inculcate the practice of empathy and understanding towards yourself and others. Slow down and choose to be empathetic, optimistic and nurturing.
Remember, you’re not alone in your struggles. Be kind to yourself, and don’t hesitate to seek help when needed. Keep in mind that you’re strong and capable, and there’s certainly hope for growth and improvement. Take small steps towards healing, and celebrate your tiny victories along the way!