i was SA-ed when i was a minor. it was really traumatic, so i only managed to recover the memories years later and only filed a police report then
i think i was filled with a lot of regret? because i didn’t report it earlier, and by not reporting it, i created other opportunities for the perp to do the same to others
the reporting process itself was also quite traumatic, i ended up self-harming myself while giving my statement
its been a few years since i made the report, radio silence
i guess there’s always a part of me who will always blame myself for putting myself in that situation in the first place, and that i didn’t have good intentions so i should not have expected a good outcome (though i did not expect myself to be SA-ed)
when i had really serious flashbacks i developed rashes in the area i was SA-ed and i just felt so defective, guilty and terrible
and because it’s SA, idk if i can have intimate relations with someone else because it’ll definitely get in touch with where i was SA-ed
i am so ashamed, i really want to crawl into a hole
can i ever feel normal again?
Hi, Coagulate,
I am sorry to learn about the SA that happened to you when you was a minor. You were so traumatised to the point that you actually lost some part of the memories, until years later. And not able to make a police report earlier brought you intense regret as it allowed the perpetrator to continue similar offences and hurt others. What made it worse was during the reporting process, which caused you to relive the trauma experience again. You were not prepared for that, and the overwhelming experiences caused you to harm yourself then. Thankfully, you survived both traumatising experiences. However, the trauma left you with a load of negative emotions (guilt, regret, shame, self-blame, anger, worries, anxiety), which you are still carrying with you.
Whatever happened back then, you might have made some error moves that subjected you to a vulnerable position, no one should commit SA to retaliate to your “wrong moves”. It is definitely the perpetrator’s fault, not yours, and that’s why he has brought to justice.
From your sharing, I can see that you are actually a courageous and kind person. Courageous as in you were able to stand up and report the perpetrator the minute you gained full conscious awareness of the SA. It must be really hard to persist through the reporting process but your thoughts about how others might have hurt by the perpetrator made you feel regretful for not able to do it earlier - this is indeed a very very kind thought.
I hope you can gradually stop the self-blaming and self-disparaging acts and try to show some compassion to yourself by seeing yourself from another perspective.
With regards to the bodily reactions (such as rashes at the SA-ed area), this might have connections to the negative emotions and the beliefs you have formed about the SA and yourself. Studies show that many SA-ed survivors might develop bodily reactions, emotional and psychological issues, and relationship difficulties, which can have a long term effect on their life.
Your worries are real and should not be ignored. If you are concerned about your emotional and psychological health, and relationship with others, you may want to consider seeking support from a specialist who is experienced in SA cases. I know that Aware Singapore work closely with women who are abused (physically and sexually) and they have a rich resources that you can tap on to help yourself to heal from the SA trauma.
Hope my sharing helps.
Stay hopeful and take care !
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