Hi! I am 35F this year. Recent past 1 year plus has been rocky for me especially my relationship with my mom.
I am currently seeking therapist to guide me through my healing journey. As an oldest daughter at home, during my younger days I felt the pressure at home and unable to express myself freely at home. No one in our household practice communicating and whenever I am angry my family members will say things like “you are so hard to communicate” “had enough of you” – feels like i am unable to blend in my family.
and my mom is not the kind of mom that will give you emotions comfort when I share about my thoughts and daily happenings to her. I know that I have high expectations from my mom and not being able to receive the love from her makes me really upset.
I know that this is something I need to work on it. I’m still living with my parents and anyone can share how do you all work on lowing expectations from your mom/parents and how not to share too much of your stuff with them?
Hi OP!
Hugs all around, I also don’t really have the closest relationship with my mum. I can be on okay terms with her, but I will never share any troubles or deep thoughts I have because I won’t receive what I want from her. Moving out and living on my own has helped a lot with stabilizing my mental health, but I understand that you’re still living with your parents.
I would say that when I still lived with my parents, I tend to talk about my problems and feelings to my friends more than I do with my parents. These friends are people who I can fully trust to listen in to my vulnerabilities, and I know that they can comfort and push me to become better. I’ve rarely talked about my own life to my mum–usually it’s just surface-level talk like what I did at work, what I did with my friends, how I’m coping with work, etc. Luckily, she doesn’t really poke around for more and leaves me on my own.
I’ve also gone on medications as I was diagnosed with depression, and it also helped me to mellow my frustrations towards my mum’s past behavior. I still have my grievances, but I tell myself that it’s no use wasting my energy to be angry all the time. I just do what I can with the life I’m given now.
Hey @reassuredturnip9,
Thank you for sharing what you have been going through with your mom. I hear that your relationship with her since young hasn’t always been good, and that your efforts in trying to communicate with her seemed to have been brushed off. It certainly isn’t easy to grow up in a household where it is difficult to express yourself. And I don’t think it’s wrong to want to be able to receive the kind of support and love that you wanted from your mom. I’m also glad to hear that you’re seeing a therapist to guide you through this difficult period too.
I think for your parents, perhaps one reason that they’re unable to talk about their feelings or communicate about emotions could be because of how they’ve been brought up. I think for their generation, talking about emotions and feelings could be seen as a sign of weakness, and thus they may not have the habit of doing so. Though I agree too that when times change and that they should adapt, some of them may find it hard to do something foreign or new and stick to their old ways. That being said, I do not think it’s wrong for you to want to be heard, especially by your parents. And the thing is you’ve also tried opening up to them and didn’t really get the response you hoped to get. It’s out of our control if people do not want to change, and it isn’t your fault if that’s the case.
Moving on to you next query on how not to share too much with them, I think maybe you could look at other avenues to open up. For instance, talking to close and trusted friends could be one way to share with someone, or a close extended family member. I think for now, you could also talk to your therapist too. If it’s by yourself, journaling may help. And for me, sometimes if I feel overwhelmed by my emotions, I find singing helps me express myself. Others around me have also did painting to help express themselves. Perhaps you could look into trying some of these avenues? I think you could also try asking your therapist for other avenues to express yourself.
Hope this helps and know we’re here for you 
Dear @reassuredturnip9
Thank you reaching out. What you shared is relatable to many among us. I gather from your post that you feel emotionally disconnected from your mother. Understandably, it hurts that she cannot offer comfort you wished she could.
What could help would be to reframe expectations and accept her limitations while living your life guided by your own values.
Explore other ways of getting emotional support and turn to safer spaces like close friends. It’s a step in the right direction that you are seeing a therapist to process and heal from what you have gone through with your family.
It is only human to yearn for emotional support from a parent. But acknowledging her limitations in providing support, set boundaries for yourself to protect your own mental health. Practise being mindful and selective in what areas to share with her.
May I gently suggest to practise self compassion and know that you are not “too sensitive” or “hard to communicate with” for wanting to feel heard, seen and cared for. 
Hello! thank you for everyone that has left messages below really appreciate it!
The suggestions that has been brought up like talking to friends, I did tried before sadly I do not have a close friend that I can really pour out my heart to talk anything under the sun.
I do have friends that I can talk to but everyone has their own problems to deal with and they are not the kind will be very open to listen without limitations. Once or twice ranting the same problem is ok if its beyond that they will feel it’s too much.
Other avenues that you guys have shared also something that I have been doing like running, coloring, singing. But I find I am not very grounded on this, today I can do this next few days I get drifted. Maybe I can discuss with my therapist. Can I ask all of you, how do you keep yourself anchored?
I understand my relationship with my mom is something I have to go through (like a life lesson) so I hope I can slowly shift my emotional anchor and disperse to different places instead all on her.
At times, I feel like giving up some days I feel like I wanna stand up again. To be honest, it’s really hard. Nevertheless, thank u everyone who took your time to reply to me
Hi OP!
I also struggle with keeping a commitment to stuff I want to and should do. Perhaps one way you can work towards is to start small, like maybe run for 15 minutes, or colour for 15-30 minutes. Even if you only get things done just a little bit, at least you can say that you’ve done it instead of not doing it at all. Hopefully other commenters here have other suggestions they can give out 
Thank you so much for the suggestions!! I will try that out too! Really appreciate for taking your time to leave comment for me 
Hey @reassuredturnip9,
I’m glad to hear that you’ve tried some of these things before. I think like @douggydoug mentioned, taking small steps definitely will make something more manageable and doable. Reminding yourself why you started these avenues may also motivate you. And if some of them don’t work for you, that’s fine too. You can always explore other options that may work for you. Sometimes, even a combination of these avenues may work better for you. Be patient and find what works for you
And for your relationship with your mom and shifting the emotional anchor, be patient with yourself and work towards your goal. Even if you encounter setbacks, be kind to yourself. And if you feel like you’re making progress, don’t forget to celebrate the small achievements, no matter how small they may seem!
Wishing you all the best and I hope you get to where you want to be! And if you need someone to talk to, know that we’re here for you
Thank u so much for your kind words!! I hope I can get myself back on this. It’s really not easy and certain days I felt like giving up some days I felt like going through.