Problems with my mom…

[user6757]

This is a rambling post…

But I used to be in a civil service post and the difference between my expectations, actual work, being under people with selfish ambitions, brought a serious toil on my confidence and sense of purpose. I quitted my job last August, and took very long to find my purpose again. I was doing nothing at all for a few months, feeling out of touch with my friends, and eventually turning to arts. All these while, I did not contribute to house chores and such as in my mind, it seems that I finally had time for myself. I didn’t realise the effect I was having on my mother, who needed help with the house and also wanted time for herself.

Everything eventually came to a boil. First it was a difficult marriage process where we had a lot of monetary issues and character clashes with the mother-in-law and a quiet son, where I felt that the husband and MIL did not truly understood my sadness of not having a happy marriage process. The MIL kept blaming my character for many issues. My mom was also very hurt from this process. She was very disappointed with how the husband handled the situation.

Afterwards, we recently had a bed bug situation at home. Initially, all I felt was a constant crazy itch when sleeping. I told my mom but as she didn’t feel the itch, she told me it was all in my mind. I was constantly on edge all day and took it out on her when I needed her help but she couldn’t keep up with my demands. I didn’t see it as disrespectful as I was almost going crazy with the itch and anxiety. But it hurted her a lot. We are slowly overcoming the bed bugs situation (pest control and such) but the distress from turning the house upside and the home not looking like a home anymore really built up. I am still constantly stressed out, especially when the cleaner suddenly somehow dragged the dead bugs around the house. My mom couldn’t really understand my fear towards those bugs and was constantly rushing to do things to bring the house back to normal, leading to many clashes. She wanted action, normalcy, while I’m still struggling with the effect of anxiety from the bed bugs.

Our recent clashes usually centre around me getting angry at her for not understanding my reactions, my anxiety, my words to her, her becoming angry in turn as I was being highly disrespectful to her as a child (”骂妈妈会天打雷劈”), me still trying to explain my reactions to her, and her not understanding and escalating her anger to the point of saying this house belongs to her, I can only stay if I tolerate her. It turned my world upside down as I could not believe that she actually thinks that I’m just someone she kept around but this isn’t my home. She mentioned that since I have married, I’m no longer her problem. This is also not my home. She only keeps me around but this isn’t my home. It’s hers. Occasionally she will show that she still cares for me, worries for me, but her words and thinking hurt me so much. Even if she may say that it’s 气话, or in retaliation for the disrespect I showed her, I can’t believe that she actually manage to think all these stuff.

How can I improve my relationship with my mom? I can’t seem to make her understand my feelings, my reactions. I try to understand her but she does not express her exact emotions. It seems like we are constantly going in circles.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Dear user6757

Thank you for taking the time to write in great details about how things are unfolding at home. What you mentioned about, “this isn’t my home”, I sense the sadness, loneliness and vulnerability of it all and it hits deep. It is as if when you’re yearning for belonging it itself feels suspended. Underneath it all, it isn’t just anger; it’s grief about a love that both of you have but can’t seem to show in the same way anymore.

Reading your post, it felt like you’re someone who needs to understand the why behind what you do. you don’t just want to complete things, you need the process to carry meaning. That’s what used to drive you at work, and probably what keeps you turning to art now. But when that same authenticity met the mess of real life, money strain, a cold marriage process, bed bugs invading your space, it became exhausting to keep meaning alive.

The guilt lingers, doesn’t it? For not helping your mum when she needed you, for turning inward to heal while she was still carrying the house. Your body needed rest, but it came with this undercurrent of shame, that by tending to yourself, you had neglected her.

What’s so clear here is that both you and your mother are trying to love each other through service. Her way is through doing: cleaning, fixing, keeping life moving. Yours is through understanding: explaining, processing, wanting things to make sense. When both of you are drained, the love language becomes self-sacrifice and when that sacrifice isn’t noticed, it turns into hurt, then blame.

So the fights aren’t just about chores or tone, they’re two different survival patterns clashing. She regulates through action, you through reflection. She feels unseen when you withdraw; you feel unseen when she rushes to fix. And in that loop, both hearts are still reaching for each other.

For now, maybe start with something small, a 4-step practice that could ease both of you back:

1. Pay Attention: before speaking, slow down and really see her. notice her hands cleaning, her sighs, her silence. she might be showing care through action, not words. “mom, I see you’ve been cleaning non-stop. you look tired.”

2. Raise Awareness: be aware of what’s happening inside you — the anxiety from the bugs, the guilt, the fear of losing her love. just noticing this helps you speak, not react. “I realise when I see the bugs, I panic. it’s not about you; it’s my fear taking over.”

3. Acknowledge: acknowledge what exists for both of you without judgment. her anger, your guilt; they’re both valid. “we’re both frustrated and scared in different ways. you want the home back; I want my calm back.”

4. Alignment: let your tone, words, and body match what you truly feel. no forced smiles, no defensive tone; just honest presence. “I do want to help, mom. I just need to go slower so my body doesn’t go into panic again

These are small but powerful ways to restore both yourself and your mother’s yearnings without needing to fix the entire relationship at once. If you find the anxiety, guilt, or exhaustion overwhelming again, it might really help to bring in a counsellor, to help hold space for both of you to speak without fear. the Mindline counsellors (1771) can help you start that safely. For now, i want you to know this, that both you and your mother are aching for the same thing: to be understood, to rest, and to feel like home still exists between you.

[lilac]

Hi @user6757 I just want to start by saying how it sounds like it’s been such a turbulent time for you? It hasn’t just been your mum, but also your work, home, marriage, and in-laws — that’s a lot going on for you all this time.

I hear that your mum has been hurt by some of the emotions or reactions that came up during this process. It’s normal to have conflicts, and it’s a part of any good relationship. That said, when the conflicts happen at a bad time (like now when there’s so much going on), and when the conflicts go around in circles, it can be really distressing. Your feelings and reactions are understandable given this situation. Not just the conflicts, but that it’s been happening within the bigger picture that it’s been such a big change for you while you try to find purpose and meaning, and that process is messy.

You mentioned about wanting your mum to understand your feelins and reactions. What does making her understand your feelings/reactions look like for you?

And I’m also wondering about what you understand about her emotions and behaviours as well that you’ve learnt from what has been happening.

Hope we can make sense of this together!