Reading what you shared, I want to slow this down with you for a moment.
One thing that feels important to name is that how your mum reacts is not something you can control. Her reactions seem to come from a very different life experience shaped by how her younger self had to survive, what she feared, and what she learned about control and responsibility. That doesn’t make her responses easier to live with, but it does help explain why her reactions can be immediate, intense, and hard to reason with.
What also stands out is how much pressure you place on yourself not to become like her. That constant self-monitoring, watching your thoughts, your emotions, your reactions can become very heavy. When you’re afraid of becoming someone you don’t want to be, even small misunderstandings can turn into self-blame, shame, or guilt. It’s as if you’re carrying an unspoken rule that you must always behave correctly, or something bad will happen.
You also noticed something important about your dad. You saw that your mum’s demands, like asking for money in ways that didn’t seem reasonable, put him in a difficult position. And it looks like you understand, at least in part, that he may not actually have much choice. I wonder what that made you feel. Did it give you a sense that someone has to carry responsibility quietly, even when things don’t feel fair?
It also seems like your expectations of how your mum should behave have been growing heavier over time. The more you fear becoming like her, the more your mind may be trying to control the situation by deciding how she should act. Almost as if, if you can get the rules right if you understand everything and respond “correctly” then things might feel safer. But that’s a lot to carry, especially when you’re the child in the family.
There’s another meaning I want to gently put into words, and you can tell me if it fits or not. It sounds like part of the fear here might not just be “What if I become like my mum,” but also “What if I become an adult who can’t take care of others properly?” Or even, “What if being responsible means carrying everyone else’s emotions?” That’s a real fear, and it makes sense, especially when it feels like the adults around you are struggling.
I want to pause here and say this clearly: it’s okay to sit with that fear for a bit. You don’t need to solve it right now. I can see it, and I’m willing to hold that space with you if you’re okay with that. Many people worry that they will become what they see in front of them. Awareness doesn’t mean inevitability. In fact, being aware often means you get more choice, not less.
It’s also important to give yourself permission to be human. If you believe you are not allowed to make mistakes that you must always be calm, reasonable, and responsible, the burden becomes unbearable. Learning that you are allowed to fail, to misjudge, to feel confused, actually gives you more room to live and grow normally. It’s often when we allow ourselves that permission that we stop repeating patterns, rather than reinforcing them.
For now, we don’t need to decide who your mum is, or what she should be. We can stay with what you are feeling, and the meaning you’re making, one step at a time. And if you’re open to it, we can keep returning to this question gently:
“What am I afraid of carrying alone right now?”
You don’t have to answer it all at once.