I’m tired of my parents not communicating + I think my mom has some problems

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As the title says, my parents suck at communicating. They don’t get along very well and sometimes they tell me that the main reason why they’re still married is because of me. I have mixed feelings about it, but one thing that annoys me is when they always ask me to tell the other person something, like I’m their telephone line. It’s tiring and annoying, especially since they always end up nagging about the other person whenever I bring the problem up.

My mom is another thing. She’s a nice mom, and I love her, but when she gets angry, all hell breaks loose. She’s at that weird stage between menopause and no menopause where she has mood swings, and it doesn’t help that, according to my dad, she was already a little emotionally unstable, where the slightest thing can tick her off for like 5 days (slight exaggeration but also not really). I also feel like she thinks that “she’s the only one allowed to be angry”. Because whenever my dad or I show even an inkling of being angry (sighing loudly, stomping our feet when we walk, slamming a door, slamming things), she gets mad at us for being mad.

Sometimes when she’s mad, annoyed, sad or disappointed in me, she just talks to herself, complaining about her life, about what I did, says that she did something bad in a past life to deserve this (as in karma). If she spirals, she could start drinking. Not a lot, but she doesn’t really drink outside of social gatherings so you can just tell something is wrong when she starts drinking. She also likes to use her nails to poke at her thighs, leaving a lot of markings. Is that considered self harm?

Regarding that and everything else, is there anything I can do to stop her from being like this? For her sake and my family’s sake.

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Must been tough and it is truly heartwarming of you seeking help for your family and Mum @_bananakat your self compassion shows in how you clear mindedly point out how your Mum makes the anger, hurt and shame of all and one seem small and how Mum makes Mums anger, hurt and shame more about herself, than Mum herself offering Mum the self compassion which Mum needs, as well as the compassion youre seeking from your Mum herself,

While self blame (‘talks to herself’, ‘complaining about her life’, ‘says that she did something bad in her past life to deserve this’), self harm (‘(Mums) nails to poke at (Mums) thigh’), mood fluctuations (‘mood swings’, ‘a little emotionally unstable’), and mood irritability (‘(Mum) gets mad at us for being mad’) may spell signs and symptoms of something persistent your Mum has been undergoing or going through currently now,

I truly commend your laudable contribution to your family and yourself (‘for (your Mums) sake and (your family’s) sake’) and highly recommend your confiding in someone close you can trust who may be invested in your family and yourself, perhaps a close extended family member and if youve maxed out your options kindly advise you to seek subsidized counselling via Polyclinic referral which may be a multiplier effect not only for yourself in taking care of yourself, learning, investing and equipping yourself with self restraint, self control, anger management, conflict/ dispute resolution, and grounding practices of mindfulness and mental wellness, and also for your family in that where your Dad sees youre actively taking actionable steps to piece together your family fabric, your prioritizing yourself is influencing your Dad in the same way, to your Dad himself to self prioritize Dad himself, and almost as naturally as organically as humanely, to prioritize your family, as much as Dad himself self prioritizes Dad himself,

With all things, youve grown and learnt things yourself that your family, your parents (and maybe even yourself though surely youre yourself aware, leading to your posting and understanding a little, if ever, of yourself and your situation now, more than yourself youre aware of) may be unaware as of now, with yourself having to parent yourself, and hats off to making the most out of both yourself, as well as your situation, anyone in your situation may have opted otherwise yet youve proven your reliability, steadfastness and forthrightness, and relating to one another in as mature as reasonable as neutral, a way,

Keep going and surfing the wave of urge to fight or take flight, and it is being by yourself, learning and practising grounding yourself within, that one grows strength to strength,

Kindly update on your progress, growth and lessons youre learning, and kindly keep us on your current update

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Hey @_bananakat

Reading that, it sounds quite heavy. I am sorry that you had to hear those hurtful comments, especially when they came from your parents.

You seem quite aware of what is happening around you. You notice how your mum’s mood changes, how she talks to herself, and how conflict plays out at home. At the same time, being placed in the middle like this does not sit well with you. It makes sense that passing messages between them feels tiring and uncomfortable.

When parents ask a child to carry messages, it usually puts the child in a role that is not meant for them. It can create pressure and make you feel responsible for something that belongs to them to handle directly.

About your mum, the behaviours you described suggest she may have difficulty managing strong emotions at times. The poking at her thighs, even if it does not cause serious injury, can still be a way of coping with distress.

Here is the part that matters for you. You are noticing a lot, and you care about your family. At the same time, this can become too much for one person to manage alone.

It may help to speak to someone outside your family, such as a school counsellor, to sort through what you are experiencing and what your role should be. If things at home feel like they are getting out of control or unsafe, you can also contact Mindline at 1771 to speak to someone for support.

For now, you are not meant to carry all of this, please reach out for support when you get a chance to.