"Just let it go" "Don't think about it too much"

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Let’s say my father is not the best at communication and would lash out when he’s in a bad mood or say hurtful things (at least it hurts to me) to his immediate family (my mom, me and my brother).
The most recent one would be at October last year. Me and my brother have been living abroad and they came to visit us. And he said “I didn’t even want to come here in the first place, it’s costly. Even for this five day stay, the price is -----. I came bc you two are here.” The way he said it and the tone, like it was a bother to come see us (at least it seemed that way to me). I wanted to scream back at him. Tell him that if he doesn’t want to come then don’t come. I never asked him to come see me. But of course, I didn’t do that. Like why was his focus on the price and how costly it was. He’s already here with us. Why can’t he focus on how happy he was to see us? (Was he even happy to see us?)
My mother told me that he didn’t mean it that way. He just meant that he would not normally take this costly trip if not for us. And just I should just let it go. I talked about this to my brother and he told me not to think about it too much. This is just one example. And for some reason, every time I think about one event similar events that happened a long time ago like four/five years or so came rushing back to me (snowball effect I assume). I tried, still trying to let those go and not think about it but how can I?
I understand that miscommunications happen but every time it was always my mom saying “Oh, he just doesn’t know how to choose his words, just let it go, it will pass” and my brother saying “Just dont think about it too much”. And him, still the same with no hint of changing that aspect about him (He doesn’t see that as a problem at all). At times, I think I am overreacting and being too emotional. Since it seems like I’m the only one who’s frustrated with him. He doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble. I am where I am now because of his support in my education both local and abroad.
On one hand I am grateful but on the other, I am angry that he is not trying to be better and people around him need to fill in the gaps. And the scary part is, when I ask myself do I love dad? It’s not a “Yes!!!”. It’s not even a “Maybe” anymore. I want to talk to him but at the same time, I don’t feel safe. I am scared of what he might say and the new kinds of hurts his words might bring me.

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Hi @MissPudding

Thank you for sharing your pain and struggles, I hear you and I can sense the deep emotional impact these interactions with your father have had on you, and it’s completely valid to feel hurt and frustrated. It’s difficult when communication becomes a source of distress within the family.

Here are a couple of suggestions to work around this situation:

  1. Express Your Feelings through Writing: I highly encourage you to consider writing a letter to your father expressing your emotions and concerns. This can be a therapeutic way to articulate your thoughts without the immediate fear of his immediate reaction. You could start by sharing specific instances that have hurt you (like this recent event) and how it has affected your perception of the relationship. This can provide him with a deeper understanding of the impact his words have on you.

  2. Empathise with him too: I can imagine if your father is not willing to accept or empathise your feelings, and I can imagine must be difficult for him too. It’s important to recognise that he is also trying to be a parent, and perhaps he may not have the skills to manage this lack of communication properly. However, I encourage you to prepare yourself emotionally and empathise with him, understanding that he is also trying to figure things out. The truth is, we are all imperfect and there is no perfect parent. It is important for both parent and child to have mutual empathy and respect for the different phases in their lives too.

  3. Seek Professional Mediation: Considering the complexity of your emotions and the dynamics within your family, seeking the help of a family therapist or counselor might be helpful. A neutral third party can facilitate a safe space for communication, helping all family members express their feelings and concerns. Professional guidance can also provide tools and strategies to improve communication and understanding within the family.

Last but not least, remember, it’s okay to seek support when needed. We are here for you and we will continue to support you. Please let us know if you’ve managed to try out any of the suggestions or anything else. Hear from you soon.

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