At this point I think there is something wrong with my mom

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I have this very bad feeling that my mom has some undiagnosed mental issue.

That sentence would catch most people off guard but seriously, I can’t take it anymore. Enough is enough. I will just summarise why I think this way.

Firstly, she has very drastic mood swings. She can be so kind and happy one moment but then narcissistic and egotistical the next moment. Secondly, she talks to herself, and in the worst case scenario, she talks very bad about others to herself, perhaps thinking no one will care to listen. Thirdly, my mom sometimes not only treats me poorly, but also my dad. Today she called my dad “a useless husband” because of financial issues, which is weird because she also calls me “useless” a lot too, mostly when she thinks I’m lacking at doing something, etc.

That’s only the beginning. She can be rude and loud unnecessarily to others, which makes people think she’s angry although she claims she isn’t. (This one’s based on a true story where she accidentally walked into my tuition class about the fees and one classmate thought she’s angry.) There are times she actually curses (not like verbally curse, I mean religious cursing) people, like hoping they get into a car accident or just die soon, something like that. Worst of all, our religion is BUDDHISM, a religion that promotes peace and being righteous. We can’t curse, we’re not supposed to do that, and there’s actually no such thing as cursing, as far as I know. For someone who is a very devout Buddhist, my mom would go so far to do this, and thinks it’s “in the name of the Buddha”.

I know it doesn’t sound so likely that my mom has some mental issue, but I’ll also mention this: my aunt has very similar attributes, but far worse. She’s not a parent so she doesn’t really call others useless, but she also has those mood swings and has the narcissistic and egotistical personality that is on a very inhumane level. So I’m starting to believe the mental issue in question, assuming there is one, is on the maternal side of my family.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I can’t and won’t ever be able to check if my mom has some actual mental issue, if it’s BPD or something else. I’m not really asking for diagnosis, even though I wish that’s possible but my mom will definitely deny it and say she’s fine and happy. I’m asking how I should cope, or how my mom should cope, or just anything that will make life better for people around my mom.

I need help. Really.

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Hi @undying_sun

I want to slow this down with you first. The fear in your message is very real. When someone lives with unpredictable behaviour for a long time, it is common for the mind to start searching for explanations just to feel some stability. It means you are trying to cope.

I want to gently say this. We do not need to decide whether your mum has any mental condition in order to support you. Trying to label or diagnose often makes fear and rumination stronger, especially when you have no control over the situation.

What matters right now is that the behaviour you are experiencing feels overwhelming and distressing to you. That alone is enough reason to ask for help.
Before going further, I want to check something important with you.

Do you feel physically unsafe at home right now?

Are you worried that your mum might seriously harm herself, you, or anyone else in the family?

You do not need to explain everything. A simple answer is enough. This is only to understand your safety.

I also want to ask whether there is any adult outside your family you could speak to. This could be a teacher, a school counsellor, a relative, or a trusted parent of a friend.

You do not have to share everything at once. Even having one safe adult who knows you are struggling can make a difference.

For additional support, it would really help to speak with a trained professional who can guide you calmly through what to do next. You can contact Mindline at 1771. You do not need to diagnose anyone or have the right words. You can simply say that you are feeling overwhelmed at home and do not know how to cope. They can help you think through next steps and support your safety.

Once again, for now, the priority is you, your safety, and having someone help you in your current situation.

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Hi @undying_sun,

I hear how exhausted and overwhelmed you are by this situation. Living with someone whose moods and behaviour are so unpredictable, swinging between kindness and harshness and directing hurtful words at you and your dad, must be incredibly draining and confusing. It sounds like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing which version of your mom you’ll encounter. The fact that you’re reaching out shows how much you’re struggling to make sense of this and find a way forward, especially when you feel trapped between wanting to help and not being able to address what might be happening with her.

I understand you’re trying to make sense of your mother’s behaviour, but figuring out what might be causing it isn’t something you need to solve on your own. Only a qualified professional can properly assess what’s happening, and that’s not your burden to carry. What matters most right now is your safety and well-being.

If the situation at home feels unsafe or the emotional toll is becoming too much to bear, you can reach out for support through Mindline’s First Stop for Mental Health (mindline.sg | First Stop for Mental Health Support in Singapore) to connect with a professional. They can help you navigate this situation, develop coping strategies for yourself, and explore what options might be available to you. These strategies may include

  • finding ways to set boundaries
  • processing your own feelings about what’s happening
  • understanding when and how to seek additional help for your family situation

Please take care of yourself meanwhile. As @FuYuan_Affections has mentioned, if you need to speak to a counsellor urgently, you may do so by calling 1771, or contacting 6669 1771 on WhatsApp.

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I am currently in the process of starting post-secondary education, which means I don’t have school support now. My father could have stepped in to help me since his experience is somewhat similar to mine, but there are times he is forced to side with my mom. I do sometimes talk to my friends about these problems, and that’s that. I’m alright at home, but ever since my mom bought a shelf for my room she has a tendency to be a busy body and go into my room without my notice (probably out of pride for that shelf idk why) so now I can rarely and truly have time to myself. Whenever I felt too uncomfortable and start calling her out for that, she scolds me and just say she “just want to know”.

Given her very strained relationship with her sister, my aunt, there are times my mother considered su!c!de because she’s so fed up with her calling her multiple times (in the worst case my aunt calls her 30 times a day)

@Obi_Wan_Kenobi I think I’ll just chat the hotlines you and @FuYuan_Affections mentioned because calling when my mom is always around will make her suspicious. Thank you so much for all the help.

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