I can't take it anymore

Hangouts Rants
1

I’ve been feeling really messed up lately. This is my first time writing here, so please don’t judge me or anything.

Over the past few days, I’m getting close to wanting to die because of how my family is.
My mom (she has a mental condition) has been getting worse as she has been rejecting offers from me and my family to seek help. I made out the words she was saying.

“I’ll slap your cousin because she wants you to quit playing the piano, don’t listen to her because she sucks at piano, don’t listen to all your relatives because they manipulate you into bullying me, I want to kill them” (Wanting to kill her whole family and manipulating me into believing that all my relatives aren’t nice)

“You don’t need to have friends because friends are not real, I am your only friend” (forcefully making me believe that I don’t need friends or my boyfriend)

“Why do you even need to go counselling? our family is perfect, nothing wrong. I don’t see you feel depressed, but one thing, I want you to be happy no matter what” (manipulating me into believing the whole family is perfect but not so okay, but forcing me to stay happy)

Sometimes when she has these mental breakdowns, I tried playing the piano to shut her out, but she forces me to play the piano at a loud volume so that she can make me disturb the “people she hated” that “lives” next to our home.

Sometimes I wanted to tell her how I feel, but she’ll brush it off. She even remembers the day I was raped multiple times by my ex boyfriend, but the moment I told her, she wants me to like “act happy forever” no matter the cost.

I remembered the day that I looked up my disability (I have pragmatic language disorder, but it was undiagnosed I think, please don’t tell anyone) and realized the reason why my mom hates me going to the hospital. She already molded me into the perfect girl… which in reality, I am, but couldn’t take it anymore.

I abandoned all my interests because of her. From composing music, to sewing… I abandoned everything thanks to her. Sometimes I’ll see her acting calm and happy, but then she will switch to an angry mode (where her mental breakdown begins, rants, hallucinations and delusions starts to take place).

I don’t know how I feel.

I feel nothing.

I can’t feel anything.

I don’t know what I like anymore.

I wanted to get out of my home.
I wanted to be “saved.”
I’ll never.

I’ll forever be empty.
I dumped out all my feelings and interests because of my mom and my past.

I tried to wait for my next counselling appointment, but nobody took me in.

2

That sounds really difficult, and it is understandable to be feeling lost right now.
I just want to first recognize your strength today. It takes a lot of courage to share this, and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I don’t think it’s possible to be “happy forever”. We are human after all, and we do have our low moments. I don’t have much to offer but I hope you do keep finding the joy in music. If possible, take some time, maybe watch the phantom of the opera that’s happening rn. Keep at least one recreational activity alive, rest well ( meaning sleep early and not at this time right now :downcast_face_with_sweat: ) and don’t close up. Talk to someone you are comfortable with about your life.

If you want to share it online then do it at a level you are comfortable at.
Take care yeah?

5

Dear @kammy,
I hear you. Thank you for trusting this space with your truth - that took immense courage, especially when you’re carrying so much pain. You are not being judged here. What you’re describing is profoundly difficult, and your feelings are completely valid responses to an impossible situation.

What you’ve shared shows incredible strength, even if you feel broken right now. Surviving daily in an environment filled with manipulation, unpredictability, and emotional invalidation is exhausting. Your mother’s untreated mental illness is creating chaos, fear, and isolation for you. It’s not your fault, and you deserve safety and support.

A few things stand out clearly:

  1. You need a safe space urgently Your mother’s behavior—forcing isolation, denying reality, weaponizing your trauma, controlling your interests, and using you to harm others—is emotionally abusive. Her illness may explain it, but you will need help and support. Have you spoken to your teacher, counsellor or an adult for help? I have listed some numbers for your to speak to when you have a chance to do so.
  2. Your numbness makes sense. When we’re constantly overwhelmed, our minds shut down to protect us. “Feeling nothing” is a survival response when feeling everything is too dangerous.
  3. You are not alone in wanting escape. The longing to be “saved” or to leave is a healthy instinct telling you this environment is harming you. That instinct matters.
  4. Your interests weren’t abandoned—they were stolen. Composing, sewing… these parts of you were suppressed to survive your mother’s demands. They still exist within you, waiting to be reclaimed when it’s safe.

Your immediate safety is my deepest concern. You mentioned being close to wanting to die, and your counseling appointment fell through. Please reach out to a crisis service right now:

SOS 24-hour Hotline: 1767
SOS 24-hour CareText: 91511767
Call 1800-777-0000 or make an online report via the (https://go.gov.sg/navh)

These are confidential, free, and available 24/7. You don’t have to be actively suicidal to use them—they’re there for overwhelming pain too.

  • Prioritise escape planning: Do you have any safe person? A teacher, friend’s parent, or distant relative? Even if your mother poisoned their image, trust your gut. Domestic violence shelters can help you plan an exit.
  • Reclaim small moments of autonomy: Listen to music she hates, sketch a design, hum a melody—tiny acts of rebellion rebuild your sense of self.
  • Document everything: Write down threats, dates, or unsafe incidents. This helps validate your reality and may be needed later.
  • Your disability is valid: An undiagnosed disorder doesn’t make your struggles less real. Support exists when you’re ready.

Your mother’s words about “perfection” are a prison. You are allowed to be shattered, angry, and not okay. You are allowed to need help. You are allowed to want friends, love, and a life beyond her control.

This space holds you exactly as you are:

  • Not as the “perfect girl” she molded
  • Not as the emptiness you feel now
  • But as a person worthy of safety, joy, and peace.

Breathe. We’ll sit with this together. When you’re ready—what’s one small thing you need most today? :seedling:

(Note: If you’re under 18, please tell a trusted adult or teacher about your home situation. You deserve protection.)