Looking for help understanding my thought patterns and whether if its normal

[user4171]

Hello everyone!

I kinda do have an urgent need to get this out because I have been bottling this for a long time. I will terribly apologize in advance because theres multiple reasons, my English is not very good so yeah it might not make sense sometimes or it might even sound gibberish im sorry, and I am making this post to show my entire thought process because it has been very overwhelming and I want to get this out because my family environment doesnt seem to understand me, and also this post can be quite long… So yeah sorry in advance again and I terribly apologize if I sound rude or offensive or arrogant or anything. Seeing a counsellor might be much more better but I cant handle the wait anymore because my mind is full of stuff that I want to say . I am making this post as I want to know if my I am not normal or not or rather if it make sense that I reached to this point of thinking process.

A general background of my family from my point of view so that it wont get confusing later on. My mother has been diagnosed with GAD roughly around 2 years ago. I dont remember her situation well but then I heard she was given a medicine to treat her anxiety 2 years ago, but then she stopped taking after 3 months because she mentioned having symptoms of having headaches and restlessness when going out, so she stayed at home almost all the time until now. Again from my pov, I think her usual routine is usually do chores → cook → doomscroll → do chores → cook → sleep until now. Next, my father has a job and works on weekdays but his personality is not very talkative and tends to explode suddenly if my family members tend to give an opinion that he really doesnt like. My parents have a history of arguments and it mostly consists of me hearing from my mom that my father just wants to see her sad and suffer but currently the family dynamic is managing without problems due to being highly aware of what actions and words to avoid provoking. Whats weird is that they do still have conversations sometimes and sometimes do laugh but out of nowhere my mom will say she is very fearful of the father. I do have an older brother and he does not talk to my father most of the time because of his anger tendencies and talk to mom alot. My brother and mom tends to confront my dad together because apparently my mom said that my brother emphathized with her that shes in pain because of my dad. And then, as for me, Im currently studying and recently I holed up in my room because I dont want to talk to my mom and dad because Im mostly scared of my mom and also my dad.

What has been troubling very recently is between my mom and me. The reason why I dont talk to my mom because if both of us have differing opinions we will fight most of the time. This is the part that drove me to the point that I really want to seek help today. I am quite introspective and very self aware, any interactions with anyone, I tend to anticipate what the other person will say and also think about what sentences to say beforehand. This thinking process gets worse when it comes to arguments, because after arguments I have thoughts like “What did I do wrong?” “Was my tone bad?” “Maybe I shouldnt have think that way” “Is there something wrong with me?” “What if Im the problem?”, “Im the worst”. One embarassing example I can give was like 1 year ago, I wanted to try some protein powder, I bought it in secret (I forgot the reason), and I showed it to my mom with extreme fear, and then she say alot of sentences like “Have you checked expiry? Have you checked if its fake? Have you checked with your friends? Why are you taking this!? I have a friend that took supplements given by a doctor and she got diabetes”. Then if I reason that I have checked that it is from reliable source and my friends do took it, she will circle it back to her friend that got diabetes from a supplement that I have no idea what it is. She will reason that she is doing it out of love and that whatever she is doing will not harm me. There was situation at a car with just me and her and shes the driver, before she start driving, I said I want to have a proper chat and discussion with her. I said “Do you understand why your child feels this way?”, then she replied “Are you talking about this matter again!?”, then I tested her (quite a bad approach), I replied with the same sentence, “Do you understand why your child feels this way?”, then she replied “I already told you my friend got diabetes-”, then I did it again and said “Do you understand why your child feels this way?”, then she replied with “I am doing out of love for you” and then I repeated the same sentence again and then she said that shes having a huge headache and then drive off together with me inside the car. We then managed to get home safely after all the dangerous driving because of her headache, I questioned her “Do you understand what your child is feeling now?”, she replied with “Then do you understand mine?”, then thats it, conversation over and I dont remember what really happened after that. I felt sad because its almost as if whatever stuff I want, I need to go through this pain.

And then point to now, is when I want to go for a solo trip to Japan for few weeks because I love the country and abit of a soul searching purpose and was tired of my family environment. For extra info my brother went for a solo trip there 2 months ago for 1 week. At that time before he went for the trip, my mom tends to assist in his packing like bringing 10 small packets of tissue out of nowhere, and saying stuff like “Have you done this?” “Have you done that?” “Did you forgot this?”, sometimes my brother will say in abit of a loud and slight of a funny tone like “Let me do it myself!”. And then yeah he went for the trip nothing happened and it went well for him.

Then now my turn, for me to pack for my solo trip (which is in like a few days), and then my mom is doing the same thing that was done to my brother, which is asking “Have you done this?” “Have you done that?” “Did you forgot this?”. I will go in depth for this part, I didn’t react well from my pov, I sometimes will reflexively say no. Whenever my mom ask this way, I felt that I am incapable of handling myself. In the past, almost all the time when it comes to situations, I will cry on the spot and have huge suicidal tendencies when my mother said these, “I am so worried if you ever gonna live alone”, “How are you going to handle yourself!?” or “If you cant even do such a simple thing, I am gonna be so worried when you become independent”. So when my mom assist me in my packing for the trip, I feel so weak and incompetent because my mom dont see me as capable myself.

3 days ago we had an argument, and this is the conversation I could have remembered.

Me: “Im scared of you guys"

Mom: “Why? Im not using any angry tone, Im not throwing stuff at you, you do not need to be scared"

Me: “So that means that whoever in the world not shouting or throwing or using violence are not scary?"

Mom: “The reason why we say all these stuff for you is because we care for you"

Me: “Im saying that your care is way too much"

Mom: “You should be grateful that you have people caring in the first place, back in my early adulthood, I had no one cared for me, and I have made so many failures in life, thats why we all need to have someone to care"

Me: “Then how about everyday, I do the same as you, everyday I say have you bought this? have you shower? have you cooked? have you done your chores?"

Mom: “Those are not important stuff, when I asked you to checked whether if you bought done any of those stuff was for the sake of you, I dont want to talk to you anymore, I cant breathe properly"

Me: “Then thats it, I will not talk to you"

Mom: “Why is it that when I used the exact same tone to you and your brother, you will give such a response? Your brother will just say “Oh okay"

Mom: “Why did you become like this?" (in a frustrated tone)

Mom: “You are always in your room, I barely even talked to you"

Me: “How about this, Im the one that doesnt want to talk to you guys, whatever I say, you guys will always have more sentences to say back”

Mom: “Then at this rate, if just even one thing I said already makes you unhappy, then we might as well dont even have any conversation from now on!"

Me: “What I am saying is that there are some things that are excessive"

and then after that I felt this way “You know what, im done, im the worse, I might be fabricating false memories, I might be even thinking in a way to make it look like im justified or whatever, screw this”

And then at night, I went to bed, I slightly happened to overheard about what they said about how they were so worried about me. And then suddenly I have suicidal thoughts, thinking that it is way more better to die but I dont want to because I have a dream of moving out in the future. And then I analyzed myself like “Why am I this way?”, “I might as well not want anything at this point”, “Maybe I should just nod to everything my mom says, I do not need to prove independence, I do not need to prove that I can handle myself”, “After all these years of trying to prove that i can handle myself, this is the result?”. I then called the crisis hotline and managed to calm down after that.

Then just yesterday, we had another argument, literally about the same topic about how my mom find it blasphemous and abnormal that I am rejecting her manner of caring for me. At this rate I might as well cancel the whole entire trip so that I do not need to feel pain anymore, I will just go with the flow, I dont need anymore desires, I will follow whatever my mom desires, I dont want to suffer anymore. But of course deep down, I really dont want to cancel my trip… and then I spiral down again thinking “Maybe I should accept her assistance and not think so much about my autonomy”, “Why am I like this?”, “Why am I making things so hard for myself?”, “I should just not say anything anymore”. Then my brother saw how me and my mom are arguing, my brother just tell me “I know it hurts alot for you, but just accomodate her for now, youngsters can heal from mental health more easily as compared to older people, so even though you are having anxiety, just pull through this, and heal later”. And then I accommodated her, listened to her complaints about how I dont understand her, about how I rejected care from her and then I nod and nod and nod and nod. After that once it simmered down, I said I am gonna go outside for a walk and then suddenly she said “Fine, you win, you win, everything is my fault!” and then I also felt overwhelmed but I just left the house.

Then that brings to now and I am writing this post because I feel very isolated and I really want to know if everything is all in my head or maybe this whole thing is a normal environment.

Thank you so much for reading this entire posts and I am sorry if this is too long or anything sound gibberish. I am quite scared and tired of rereading the entire post so I am gonna stop here. Im safe right now, but just very tired and emotionally overwhelmed.

Thank you for reading

[tobs]

Hey @user4171 !! Thank you so much for the sharing, really appreciate that you took the time to write everything down!!

Whatever is happening at home does sound like a lot - it’s overwhelming and confusing without a consistent “mood”, and there seems to be a need to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering any conflict. All this isn’t easy to navigate and I’m glad you are trying to keep yourself feeling safe in your room to focus on your studies. Your safety is important - is there anything else that happens home that might not be so safe for you at the moment? And if so, do you have other trusted adults that you can reach out to for help? i.e. in school/relatives

Thank you for describing your relationship with your mum in depth and being vulnerable with the emotional turmoil and struggles with your thoughts - I can sense a lot of pain and yet also a strong desire to one day connect with your mum in a way where she can truly see you. It seems like it’s difficult to have fruitful conversations with your mum about your feelings as it triggers her defensive behaviours, yet, I hope you know that her responses do not invalidate your feelings and experiences. It’s completely normal to feel hurt when we reach out vulnerably to our loved ones and yet be met with dismissive comments. In these instances, it can be useful to notice that the other party is unable to meet us on the same page momentarily and we can take a step back to ground and regulate ourselves first so we don’t get drawn into the emotional spiral

A solo trip to Japan sounds absolutely lovely! It sounds like great self-care for you at this point. I am so sorry that an exciting prospect like this is mixed with such difficult emotions and exchanges at home! Again, your safety is important, and I’m so glad that you were resourceful and contacted the crisis hotline. Should you need further support, here are some other emergency resources:

• SOS 24-hour Hotline: 1-767

• SOS 24-hour WhatsApp Chat: 9151 1767

• IMH ​24-hour Mental Health Helpline: 6389 2222

• mindline.sg 24-hour Helpline: 6389-2222

• mindline.sg 24-hour Online Chat: Find Free Mental Health Awareness & Wellness Resources in Singapore | mindline.sg

Again, it sounds really difficult receiving these comments doubting your abilities to take care of yourself from someone whose opinions you value so much. I would like to encourage you to continue to believe in your own strengths - something that can help is looking back at the times you’ve overcome struggles and obstacles on your own! Every little thing counts. Your attempts at self-regulation by going for walks, by providing yourself with a safe space in your room, they all matter and demonstrate your efforts in caring for yourself.

I hope the above makes sense to you, otherwise, I’d love to hear what you think and we can keep talking. Stay safe and sending love

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hey @user4171,

I’m really glad you shared this. I want to say this clearly first: nothing you wrote sounds made-up, dramatic, or “abnormal.” What you’re describing makes sense, especially given how much tension, uncertainty, and emotional intensity you’re living with at home.

Reading your post, it felt like watching someone who has been holding their breath for a very long time, trying very hard to be fair, careful, rational, not dramatic, while something inside keeps saying, “Please, someone understand what this is like for me.” You explained everything in such detail, almost as if you needed to make sure no one misunderstands you or thinks you’re being unfair. That alone tells me how much self-doubt you’ve been carrying, and how exhausting this has been.

I noticed how often you step outside yourself to explain everyone else, your mum’s anxiety, your dad’s temper, your brother’s position, as if you’re trying to keep the whole system balanced and intact. You seem very attuned to the tension in the family, and at the same time very careful not to paint anyone as “bad.” And yet, in all of that careful explaining, your own fear doesn’t really get a place to land.

When things get hard, your mind seems to turn inward quickly: “What did I do wrong?” “Am I overreacting?” “Maybe I’m fabricating things.” That kind of thinking isn’t because you’re weak or overly sensitive. It often develops when emotions at home are intense, but there hasn’t been much guidance on how to feel safe inside yourself. So your mind steps in to do the job instead, it rationalises, analyses, explains. That’s been a way of coping and trying to survive, even though it leaves you feeling worn down.

What stood out strongly was how much you want your mum to understand, not to stop caring, not even to agree with you, but to actually see how her way of caring lands on you. Situations like the protein supplement, or the repeated “have you checked this, have you checked that,” aren’t really about the item itself. They’re about you wanting to feel trusted, capable, and supported as you learn how to make your own decisions.

From what you described, your mum’s language of love seems to be protection through constant vigilance and control, likely shaped by her own history of fear, lack of safety, or not feeling cared for. When change happens, like you travelling alone, becoming more independent, or individuating, her anxiety spikes, and the only tool she has is more reminders, more warnings, more care. But for you, that same care feels suffocating. It cuts straight into your sense of worth and competence.

That gap, between intention and impact, is where so much of the pain sits.

I also noticed something important: when your needs don’t get met, the distress doesn’t turn outward. It turns inward. You withdraw to your room. You tell yourself you shouldn’t want anything. You start thinking it might be easier to disappear just to stop the pain, even though another part of you still dreams of moving out, of living your own life more freely. The fact that you reached out to a crisis hotline when things became overwhelming matters a lot. It tells me there’s a part of you that wants to stay alive and wants things to be different, even when everything feels too much.

What you’re struggling with isn’t abnormal, and it’s not “all in your head.” It looks very much like someone in the middle of individuation trying to become their own person while still being deeply entangled in a family system that finds change very hard. When that happens, guilt, confusion, loneliness, and exhaustion are very common, even though they’re rarely talked about.

I’m also hearing how isolating this feels. Even when people say they’re worried about you, it doesn’t feel like emotional safety, it feels like pressure. And that’s a painful thing to experience, especially when love is supposed to feel comforting.

For now, it might help to hold just one gentle idea, not as something you need to act on immediately, but simply to sit with:
Your need for autonomy does not mean you don’t love your mum. And her fear does not mean you are incapable. Both can exist at the same time, even if the family system doesn’t yet know how to hold that.

If the thoughts about not wanting to be here come back strongly, please do reach out again, to a hotline, a counsellor, or a trusted adult outside your family. You don’t have to carry this alone, and you don’t have to resolve everything right now.

Maybe, when things feel a little steadier, you can gently ask yourself, not “what should I do”, but:
What is the one small thing I wish my mum could understand about me, if safety wasn’t an issue?
You don’t have to answer it yet. Just noticing it is enough for now.

It makes sense that you’re tired. And it also makes sense that you’re growing. Growth often feels like this before it feels freeing and you don’t have to walk through it by yourself.

[douggydoug]

Hi OP,

It’s rather amusing to say that I’ve experienced similar mismatch with me and my mother. My mother is a housewife who has a similar routine as yours. We don’t really see eye-to-eye, and during my time living with her, I’ve gotten into arguments that really hurt both of us. I suppose it’s the classic Asian mother-daughter dynamic. Both wanting for the others to see from the point of view and feeling misunderstood.

I wouldn’t say that it’s a “normal” environment, I do wish my relationship with my mother were better; however, I will say that conflicts between family members is not uncommon. I’ve heard stories about my friends’ parents and the dysfunctional dynamic. Not all families are sunshine and rainbows.

And I would say that you are valid for feeling emotionally overwhelmed. You want to be heard, but you are not being listened to. For a relationship to work, both parties must work on it together; it cannot be held up by just one person alone. Also, emotions are signals from your brain to tell you about something. You are feeling frustrated, and when you’re feeling like such, it means that something is not fulfilled, something is not given to you–there’s something important that needs to be addressed.

For me personally, after having moved out of my family home and have my own place, I felt so relieved. It was only then that I realised I felt so caged when I live with my mum. Distance helped to give me some space to breathe, and to process my own feelings in a safe environment where I didn’t have to mask it. I would suggest that if you have the means to, having your own place would benefit you a lot in the long run. Of course, this may not be feasible if you don’t have the means to, so I understand if you are unable to move out.