i’m really embarrassed, but i have no one who listens or really cares. so, i’m writing here. feel no need to reply unless you want to, because i know this is a lot.
who i am: a 16-year old high school sophomore girl in america. i am 99% sure i’m autistic based on experiences, multiple tests (e.g. RAADS-R), therapists’ notes. i won’t talk about that experience because it isn’t weighing on me as much as everything else. i’m in band (clarinets rule!), college courses, and i am well-behaved. i think i am depressed. i can’t get myself to care about anything or try, and i cry every single day. i have some friends and i guess they care, but nothing beyond the surface level and echoes of “i don’t know how to comfort people.” i know it isn’t their fault, but we’re at the age where we should all know at least a little.
topics mentioned/triggers: alcohol, medication (my mother’s doses, not me. no OD/abuse mentioned), self-harm, diet issues, dark/hopeless thoughts, death of a family member, complex family dynamics, and examples of dialogue involving degradation and vulgarity
context: i’ve lived with my grandparents for 7 years due to an accident my mother had with fentanyl when i was 9. i’ve progressed from supervised visits to months-long stays in that time. i went through 6 counselors (they kept giving me students for some reason) until i was 11, but then my grandfather didn’t think the gas money was worth it — insurance covered the therapy. i’ve grown reclusive and miserable over time with my grandparents, but i usually spent weekends with my mother. recently, i’ve spent four months with her. she used to have alcohol issues and an involvement in party culture, and she’s worked several bartending jobs over the years. she claims to have been sober for 3 years, but the number always grows every time i ask so i can’t trust her. she’s lied before about it.she’s really neurotic a lot of the time and i can never know her next mood.
mother (description and relationship): she’s really neurotic. she is anxious and depressed. she has been tested for bipolar disorder, bpd and more — she’s resulted negatively for those tests, but i see a lot of signs (i think. i’m no doctor). she never ever ever EVER stops talking. she constantly criticizes her appearance. she’s very critical of everyone and the way they do things — one of those people who says, “i’m not mean. i’m just honest, and a lot of people are too weak to handle it.” rough around the edges. her parents divorced when she was 12 and she started smoking at 15. she refuses to believe i’m even remotely autistic unless she gives herself the label too and i blame it on the covid vaccine, which i got when i was 11 (i was showing signs before then, but i’m a girl and we tend to start “masking”—hiding it, acting normal—a lot earlier than boys). she’s dramatic and loud. the house is never quiet because she’s always slamming doors, yelling, groaning, or talking somehow. it’s really overstimulating for me (auditory sensitivity) but i try to deal with it so i can stay out of the way. she created her own painting business in 2022, and she works very hard. she spends many days sleeping for 16 hours at a time, making herself feel guilty. her emotions are loud and explosive. when she feels like it, she is incredibly kind: cards and gifts for no reason, sweetness, making my favorite food, praise, and more. she goes above and beyond in everything, and i really do admire that side of her. i love her no matter what, but her personality can hurt a lot because she doesn’t listen to what i have to say and seems to “forget” the things she does in a rage.
our relationship
grandfather (description and relationship): 72 years old. stubborn, controlling, avoidant, quiet, intelligent, abrasive, strict, harsh, sentimental (rarely), forgetful, manipulative. he is set on routine, but more control than anything. “tough it out” sort of guy. will do anything to get people on his side. providing. cares about having a lot of money and material things.i know deep down he’s sweet. probably. bugged the phones in his house in 1996 to catch his wife, my mother’s mother, cheating on him. cameras all around his house. he has a history of hitting women, but he’s never ever hit me. i flinch in my sleep when he shakes me awake, though.
current events
theatre in theatre, there’s a girl that was with, for a short time, a guy that still liked/s me. he was talking to both of us at the same time and i told her, but he told her i was hitting on him (i wasn’t) so she resents me because she thinks i was just trying to ruin her chances. she’s copied my thick bangs in my hair and the way i do my eyeliner. she’s arrogant, but i really do feel bad for her. i can see where she’s coming from and, in a way, my understanding of others prevents the anger i ought to have. it’s tech week and it’s super clique-y. the only person who will hang out with me in rehearsal is the guy that likes me. no one else - like i’m a plague. i’m kind and helpful, i do my best, but they just don’t like me.
home my mother’s doctor prescribed abilify even though she doesn’t need antipsychotics, and it made her CRAZY. she took it last week but i think the effects are still happening. she’s super irritable, misremembering, cruel, hurtful, and stressed out. she tells me to “shut the ■■■■ up” when i cry, and “you don’t care about anything, you don’t try,” “all you care about is yourself,” “you’re spoiled as hell, you make me feel like i can’t do anything right,” “don’t cut yourself or i’ll send you to the psych ward,” “why can’t you be normal,” “you blame everyone else for your problems,” “i’m tired of you looking so sad,” “figure it the ■■■■ out,” “you can’t be scared of everything,” and worse. i hate it. i wish i could tune her out, but then she yells worse. i’ve tried emotionally dissociating. she becomes volatile and angry, but then she’s fine a little while later for a few minutes. i let my guard down at the first sign of kindness only for her to yell worse than before. she does a lot for others and complains about it all the time, even though i try to make it easy for her: i don’t wake her up until i need to go to school (1.5hr after i wake up), i don’t really eat, i don’t make many messes, and i don’t make much noise. living with my grandfather taught me how to be invisible. i go on walks a lot so she’s got space. if i had it my way, i’d be invisible. but that isn’t true, because i cry often about how invisible and unimportant i feel. the house is a mess, but she refuses to give any specific directions on what to do. however, she gets pissed at me if i do something without being asked because it’s never done as well as she does it. so i feel helpless, like it’s pointless if i do anything. she refuses, i mean deliberately says she won’t, be specific. i don’t speak her language. again, i think i’m autistic. i have for years. it would be so much easier if she would understand that and realize i’m not defiant but that i can’t do anything unless she gives direction. she says “it’s so messy,” which while yes, that’s true, it’s just an observation. she isn’t asking me to do anything, so how am i supposed to know if i am or not? and if i “do something,” what do i need to do? she creates secret plans in her head that she doesn’t tell anyone about. if i clean the bathroom or something, she’ll get mad because maybe she had something to do in there before i did that. but she didn’t tell me that. she refuses to listen when i cry because of sensory overload — she slams and yells, as i said, and even the sheer amount she talks (even if the tone is consistent and not as aggressive) is enough to overstimulate me. but that doesn’t mean anything to her and i need to “get over it.” but it’s perfectly fine for her to blame her ocd and anxiety for everything. i don’t deserve excuses. i want to help but it’s like i literally can’t. she makes me feel so ■■■■■■■ worthless. i feel like such a helpless, talentless, selfish coward around her. i don’t know why she makes me feel that way. it’s probably my fault. i’m too desperate for human connection — connection with her — to distance myself the way i should. and if i set a boundary, she won’t follow it. it’s backtalk. it’s an excuse. it’s bullshit. i won’t survive the real world, i cry too easily. i’m weak. i’m unobservant, socially inept, vain, selfish, lazy, incompetent, defiant, lying, forgetful, and worse for wear. no matter what, my very existence is a pain for her. i wish i could remind her that i don’t have to live here — i can leave — but i’d rather not be so insensitive. she’s begged me to come back ever since i was taken away.
general mood i’m plagued with this bodily weakness i can’t shake. i can’t move - not quickly - “you don’t have a fast bone in your body, you just don’t care.” i’m exhausted all the time, even after 10+ hours of sleep. i can’t getmyself to clean my room or care about much. one side of me really does care, but the other side gets frozen in place. i feel so worthless all the time. my friends hardly notice if i’m especially upset. i’m a jerk for expecting them to. i’m jealous, weak, and pathetic. i’m praised for my looks a lot, so i’m always terrified of looking bad. it’s like i’ve got nothing else to me. i’m in a bunch of college courses and while i understand them fine, i can’t care enough to do much work. i feel worthless and unfulfilled - but i don’t deserve to feel fulfilled, do i? all i want is to relapse, but my mother checks. i can’t do it anywhere or she’ll see the marks and get really really mad at me. when i’m not full of misery, i can force myself into a shallow, empty joy sometimes with 2000s pop, as funny as that is. i feel like i’m the problem. i’m the common denominator in all this misery. the only thing i can think of for fixing it would be for my mother to be more kind. because i don’t see that happening any time soon, i’m stuck. here i go blaming others i guess. i keep trying to distract myself. there’s a guy i’m kind of interested in - i mean, he makes me nervous and he impresses me, and i’d love to be loved by him - but i think i might actually be in love with my best friend. she’s miles away. anyway, i write a lot of poetry about her. if anyone says “no one yearns anymore,” i must be dead… enough of that. i hate my body one day and love it the next. for some reason, while i’ve been with my mother, my tendency for accidentally breaking and/or losing my own belongings has grown by about 3x. it’s a drag. there’s never much i can do. i just want to hurt myself and take up as little space as possible. i still shower and stuff, but sometimes i can’t get myself to brush my teeth. i know. gross. i chew mint gum so at least i don’t have terrible breath. i don’t want to make unpleasant experiences for others.
school isn’t that terrible, but i hate having to perform for other people. i’m always always always masking. i dress modestly, read a lot, mind my business, don’t go out or have sex or do drugs or anything, or talk bad about anyone. for some reason though, random people (mostly girls) talk badly about me all the time. their favorite word is ■■■■. i got raped in 9th grade 1st semester and i told my best friend. she told her boyfriend after i begged her not to. she’s bullied me since we met, but i’m desperate for her approval. she’s mentally weak, selfish, cruel, flimsy, and not very respectable. she isn’t pretty, so i can’t respect her superficially either – it isn’t an envy thing, i guess that’s what i’m saying. but her boyfriend was friends with the guy who did it, and he of course told everyone that i’m just a chronic liar. most people don’t like him, but she turned all my friends against me and used me for homework while i was unaware she was talking. she needs to GET A LIFE!
art no time to make art. i’m losing myself. i don’t know what to do anymore if not art or study. i don’t enjoy anything, not ever anymore. i feel so empty.
what i’d LOOOOVE please relate/”i’ve been there, here’s what i did”, advise me what to do, try to give me any self awareness i’m lacking, ask questions, etc. basically please don’t say mean mean mean things if it can be helped. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!