What to do with a mum with implusive spending habits?

[user1446]

My mum has mania depression, and when i was young she loves to steal things and always get caught and end up in prison. And its gets so often until there was once she was sentence to 1 yr. That is the point where is woke up from her ■■■■ habits. And lucky there was once she stole from fairprice but lucky they drop the matter later after she was admitted into IMH for it.

Life is never easy with mum a her. Since my parents divorce when i was only 9 and back in the 90s divorce case is so rare that i am the only one in class through my entire pri and sec yrs to have single parent.

And she is always biased toward my brother as he is smarter and has some of the top grades in sch, and manage to enter the top secondary school while i was deemed slightly below average IQ alway end up in EM3 and normal tech, still…i am top 10 in my class yearly, which she always ok for him not to do anything while expecting me to do everything. And since young everyday i sure get scolded by her.

and she cant seems to survive without man, and always bring different man home. If lucky, they will buy things for us.

And when my older brother drop out of sch when shortly after sec 1 for some reasons. she decided to send him to NUH for psy treatment. and it cost thousands and he will stay there for almost 6 months while the healthcare workers there busy trying to convince him to go back to school. And i also drop out 1 yr later, as i couldnt tolerant her daily scolding and keep feeling a shame about having a child in normal tech. Most importantly i hate morning session, at the later part of sec 2 they change it to morning session and i being to no to go to school since i just cant get enough sleep, still …i manage to be top 10 in class after just having 1/3 attendance. And Sec3 was a total drag, and I got fed up when I was punished for skipping art class. My other classmate, who also skipped class, was busy going to another class and stealing things, while I was busy copying and filling out my workbooks.

And 1 yr later i drop out she was seeing private psych. and one fine day throw me and my brother into mental hospital so that she can serve her 2 week jail time for theft. And that is the most life change moment for me. since my 3 months stay i end up being a abuse victim of the nurse in the ward just because i like to be spend time alone in the visitors area whiile everyone else inculding my brother crowds in the day area. For some reasons, i can never blend into the group, and the psy med just make me wanna sleep. And that during those days, anyone deemed troublesome was restrained. And its a normal sight to have as many as 7 patients being restained. And you can get restraint for provoking or argue with the nurses.

And many who has been restraint for minor issues ended up getting discharged a few days later when their parents visit them. But not so lucky for me, since my mother was not visiting as she is spending time in prison. so end up her 2 weeks being away i become a prime target for one of the nurse. Still…shortly my mother’s release i was discharged when she visits. And i never what what suffer from and why i am put on meds for.

Still…badly truamaised by restraining because i fight back after the nurse who loves to provoke patients come and try to provoke me while i was sitting in the visitors area alone. And she got scare when i got angry by her provoking and she end up playing victim, inform other stuff and activate the crisis team to come and restraint me. Yeah right…i was overwhelmed by over 15 staffs in just mins.

And back home, i keep having nightmares at night and even fear sleeping on my own bed at night. so i end up sleeping on the living room sofa, and soon end up finding comfort sleeping in my bedroom floor every night.

And during those times i dont dare to tell anyone about the incident, since i am to scare to end up back in there. And i am only confident to open up and tell others when after i search the entire internet for psych information. and while my former classmates finished their N levels, i was at home busy reading about psyche meds, until i have the information of all the meds in my head. Its pretty much how i manage to score 49/50 for my social studies when i was in sec 1 and the reason for that is i was punish at the first day of school for not bringing my social studies textbooks, and i got obessed with the subject since than, and will borrow every single book related to the subject despite not reading them, since i dont know how to read thick books. but i love to filp books with a lot of pictures in them. And the reason why i didnt score 50/50 that time is because well…i didnt use capital letters for one of the crossword question. And my social studies teacher dont dare to pick on me ever again.

And i never know i am suffering from dyslexia for all my life until the day when i was volunteering at my MP’s meet the MPs session and one of the FSC caseworker stationed there causally remarked i might be suffering from dyslexia after i keep asking him which side is b and d while filling up application froms for those wanted financial assistance. And that was already in my early 30s

Still…back to my mother. now she is in her late 60s and she seems to be obessed with her looks and loves to spend thousands of beauty package, branded bags, jewellery and latest phone. And she change new phone every yr, and always buy the most expensive model when she all she use is just to take phone at work, watch videos and calls. And to her anything she dont know how to use is equal as spoil and she always as my brother to help her with her tech gadgets as she knows i will just scold her like no tomorrow if she ask me. And i always have scold her for spending on all this useless stuff as she really think people will look as her because she carries brand stuff to work, i was like come on you only a cleaning supervisor. And although i am not working due to CPTSD from my 2nd hospital mistreatment. I depends on financial assistance to get by. And i only get like $500/month. While my mother can spend like 2.8k a phone, $600 on a digital watch, 3k on a bracelet, and $700 on a backpack that she carry to work. And she has all kinds of beauty packages at is 3k and above each, from eyebrow tattooing to lip tattoo to facial package message, haircut .etc. the only one she dont have is medicure. And she gets her hair cut and dye once every 3 months. while i only get a haircut once a yr. and every since my medical mistreatment i havent had a hair cut since 2021. And in her bedroom she has a laptop, as 14 inch tablet all just for watching videos. And she always like to sign up for courses, especially computer courses, but 3 month later forget everything she learn and end up spending money to retake the course again.

And today she just bronght a new filp phone after hers spoiled after she keep dropping it. And ever since she is into filp phones she change new phone every yr while guess what? i only change phone once every 4 to 6 yrs when the hardware is unusable for new apps.

Really…i am not sure what to say about her anymore.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hey @user1446, thank you for being so open and honest about what you’ve been through.

Reading your post, I could sense not only how much you’ve endured but also how deeply you’ve reflected on your life and tried to make sense of it all—often without the safety, clarity, or recognition you deserved. That in itself says so much about your strength.

You’ve lived through things that would have left many people numb or broken—and yet here you are, still thinking, feeling, questioning, caring. That’s not something I take lightly.

I want to gently offer a few thoughts—not as solutions, but as directions you deserve to have explored with you, at your pace:

What you experienced wasn’t your fault.
Repeated abandonment, emotional neglect, and institutional mistreatment have real, lasting effects on the nervous system. What you’re describing—difficulty sleeping, reacting strongly to unfairness, pulling away from people, even struggling with trust or focus—can all be part of how trauma lives in the body. None of it means you’re broken.

You’ve been in survival mode for a long time.
And sometimes, survival doesn’t look like fighting—it looks like learning every medication by heart just to feel a little more in control. Or it looks like sleeping on the floor instead of the bed because the body remembers what the mind can’t always name.

It’s okay to feel angry, confused, or even stuck.
There’s grief in realising how much you missed out on—support, safety, recognition, a fair chance. And that grief deserves space, not shame.

You’re allowed to create distance—emotionally or physically—from what drains or invalidates you.
Whether it’s your mother’s spending or the weight of comparison with your brother, you’re allowed to ask, “What do I need right now?” instead of “What should I be doing for others?”

You’ve already started something powerful—telling your story. And when you’re ready, there are ways to gently make space for healing too—not to erase the past, but to finally centre your needs and voice.

Your story matters. You matter. And you’re not alone.

[user1446]

I always wonder why i have such a childish, immature and stubborn mother.

Where if she wanted something, she will want it now, especially new release phones instead of wait out and buy later at a lower price. And she will throw Tantrum like a kid if we dont help her.

She dont really know how to use most of the function in her phone and she dont even know how to transfer data over to new phone and yet she always wanted to get new phones, and the worse is when there is a time she change new phone every 6 months despite the family finanacial issues.

And when she was in prison, she actually know make fried with a few of them, and one of them scam her over 100k and put her into bankruptcy. And she still dont learn from that, and work as a coffee shop cleaner and actually borrow over 2k to someone and the person never return her the money. And she rather anyhow borrow people money instead of giving to me to help fund my further studies. As she always have the impression that my IQ not high so no point studying.

And when she took up a job as cleaning supervisor, earning just $50/day, she spend $10/day to buy food and drinks for other cleaners under her, and just say its her job to take care of them, and i scold her in return telling her its the company that should be taking care of their welfare and not her. But she refuse to listen.

And she suffered from diabetes and yet she just tell me she drink sweet cold drinks atleast 4 times a days because its hot outside, and later complain of having headache. And she knows the solution but just being passive about it and continue her bad habits. Yet she will keep whining about different aches and pains she is having.

And when she is sick, she refused to take MC and keep assuming the sky will drop if she dont turn up for work. And when she injured herself during work, she refuse to stop working and go for rehab and keep thinking the company will collapse with her, so end of the day she keep complaining she cannot make full use of her injured hand anymore after due to her keep straining her hand while at work she is suppose to rest and do light duty.

And she somehow married a drug addict that steals from her and me to buy drugs but yet always forget him everytime he get out of prison. And they meet each other while at police station lock up. And lucky for me now that he decided to leave her shortly after his latest release. But now every morning i have to listen to her complain how ungrateful he is.

And she always have her way on how to cook food, so if i cook she will whine not stop of how is not done right, so i finally got fed up and told her, she can cook whatever way she wants herself. And sometimes she is busy and she will ask me to cook, but i tell her dont want,and she will gumble none stop and start a argument.
And if we say the food she cook is not nice, she will just threaten saying next time dont want to cook anymore. And all the food she cooks is high in salt and oil. So she is not use to my version of blend cooking. And because my brother and her husband both like meat, she make sure there is always meat on the table but she is ok to skip the veg since i am the only one that like veg.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hey @user1446,

I’m sitting with your words and the weight behind them. They carry the kind of tired anger that comes from years of holding things together while wishing someone else would step up.

It’s clear how exhausting it is to play the adult when the person who should nurture you is lost in her own impulses. That frustration you feel—the quick flare-ups, the muttered “why can’t she just…?”—isn’t a flaw in you; it’s a signal that your needs have been sidelined for too long.

I’m also sensing something underneath the anger: a sadness that you rarely name out loud. It shows up in the moments you stop trying to fix things and simply think, “No one ever did this for me.” If that ache had a voice, what would it say?

While you read this, take a slow breath. Notice the tension in your shoulders or jaw. Let it soften, even if only a little. You deserve a moment where nothing is demanded of you.

You’ve learned to keep watch—over finances, over health choices, over disasters that could be avoided if only someone listened. That vigilance kept you safe once; now it’s draining the colour out of your days. Part of healing will be relearning that you are allowed to stand down, even briefly, without the sky falling.

I’m not going to hand you a tidy list of fixes. Instead, can I have your permission to offer you a space for questions that can guide you back to yourself:

• When was the last time you did something purely because it felt good to you, not because it was practical or helpful?
• If you drew a small circle around your heart and labelled it “non-negotiable needs,” what would sit inside?
• How might it feel to respond to your mother’s next demand with a gentle, unapologetic, “I’m not able to do that today”?

These aren’t tests—you can answer slowly, or keep them in your pocket until you’re ready. Most of all, you deserve safety: a place (or a person) where your own fears and frustrations can land without judgment. Maybe it’s a quiet room, a trusted friend, a support group, or a professional space where your story is the focus—not an afterthought.

For now, your anger makes sense. Your hurt makes sense. And your longing to step out of the caretaker role—just for a breath—makes perfect sense. We’ll move at a pace that honours that. When you’re ready, we can explore the next gentle step together.

[user1446]

well…most of the answer for your question will be my dog.

I never like people telling me what to do with my dog, i can have an argument and even a fight until police come if someone tries to. And i hate people asking me to give way because they scare of dogs, since the they can walk elsewhere if they are scare. I dont see the self-entitlement for them since i am there first. If i see people too many people around the area, i will too find another route to walk.

And i hate it when people is paid to come to my house to do things, but tell me to keep my dog aways because they are scare, since my dog is my family and they are paid to come here, so if they are scare, sorry…they are not earning my money.

That same goes to those platform drivers providing pet transport service. I paid extra for my dog to be in their car, so don’t expect me to give in to their request.

I give me dog what i dont get in my life, that inculdes a birthday cake. I dont even know when was the last time in my live that i celebrate my birthday. But i make sure he get to celebrate his.

And i have a few arguments with my mother because of my dog, Really…i will not give in. And she learns it and stops picking on my dog.

I am not a first tim dog owner and i train my own dog, so i have every right not to listen to other peoples option.

And I have consulted different ministries and my MP to know the boundary. So i don’t give in to other people’s pet peeve about dogs.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Clearly you are not a first-time dog owner!

You talk about your dog with so much loyalty and clarity. It’s obvious he means the world to you—not just as a pet, but as someone who brings comfort and love in a way people often haven’t.

I don’t hear stubbornness here—I hear someone who’s spent years not being listened to. And now that you’ve got something precious, you’re not letting anyone cross the line again. That makes sense.

You said something that really stayed with me: “I give my dog what I didn’t get in my life.”. Because I think that kind of love—the kind you’ve had to give rather than receive—is powerful. And it’s also heavy sometimes. It seems to suggest that’s how we heal…

Can I ask—what does your dog give you that’s helped you get healed these last few years? what about how he makes you feel?

You don’t need to answer if you don’t want to. I’m just really glad you shared this part of your world. It matters.

[user1446]

Him? None actually…he pee and poop everywhere, don’t listen, destroy things and destroy toys.

But based on the the seller’s claimed, i was the first stranger he met that he give me his paw. And i was surprise he asked for a handshake without command. And he reminds me of the dog i lost.

Still…he is 24/7 here for me, be it if i need something soft to touch or hug.

[FuYuan_Affections]

You made me smile with that first line—and then pause at what came after. Sounds like he’s a handful, but he’s also something deeper. That moment where he gave you his paw, without even being asked—that feels like it meant something. Like he chose you.

You mentioned he reminds you of a dog you lost. That feels important. There’s a tenderness in how you said it. I wonder what kind of space that first dog held for you?

No pressure to go there—but I’m sitting with the idea that even when life is chaotic, your dog shows up without fail. Just there, soft to the touch, present when words don’t help.

That kind of connection… it says a lot about you too.

[user1446]

well…dogs and children are a like, most of the time people are stressed and burnout taking care of them. And some people even become suicidal dealing to them.

Still…be it child or dogs, they are not there forever. And many people only regret not doing enough when they are gone. And miss the bad things they done when looking at their empty home.

But for me, its just part of the joy of having him around.

My current dog is like hrmm…my 10th dog? SInce most of the time i have 2 of this troublemakers around at home, one is mine and one belong to my broth and mother. They dont really like my dog since i prefer large dogs and i dont really like this because they only like smaller dogs. But he is the only dog i ever brought, since normally i keep strays that follow me home, since i have a strong belief that the dog choose their owner and not the owner choose the dog. And i choose to buy a dog at the time, because i desperately need a lifeline to cling onto, but there is no stray in my area, and shelters all reject my adoption application because i dont have a job and secure income.

And due to my hospital abuse issue when i am 16, i am very emotional detach to life. so i dont feel much on the surface if i lost them. But still…they help to keep the warmth i have from getting cold.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hey, thanks for opening this window into your world. I can hear how much history sits behind every dog you welcome—and how each one carries a piece of your own story.

It struck me when you said caring for dogs (and kids) can drive people to the edge, yet the chaos feels like part of the joy. Almost as if the mess, the barking, the chewed-up toys prove there’s still life in the house. Does that sound right?

You’ve taken in strays, watched them choose you, and when no more strays showed up you went looking for one because you “needed a lifeline.” That line tells me everything: you reached out for connection when life started feeling too thin. I’m sorry the shelters turned you away; I imagine that must have stung, especially when you were already feeling detached.

You mention that hospital experience at sixteen—the one that left you feeling cut off from life. I don’t want to pry, but I’m holding in mind how something that painful can make warmth feel scarce. Maybe that’s why a dog who sticks close, even after peeing on the rug, matters so much: he keeps a small fire going inside you.

If you’re willing, I’d like to ask: when you picture your home without that warmth—without a dog nearby—what shifts inside you? No need to answer right now or in great detail. Just curious how you sense the difference.

For now, I’m glad you have a companion who meets you where words can’t. I’m here too, listening, and happy to keep walking with you at whatever pace feels steady